Thursday, January 31, 2008

Humans are Awesome

Ever wondered if Earth is really just a giant set for a reality show and we are all stupid pawns? We certainly are very entertaining. Reality television is pretty much just eavesdropping through a tv screen, if you take the time to eavesdrop on everyday conversations, its like living in an episode of The Real World or The Hills.

Awesome Eavesdropping Moment: The Domestic Argument

Walking home the other night I could hear the sounds of an argument emanating from the building ahead, usually I turn a blind eye to domestic arguments, but this one was fantastic.

Screaming Man: You're a f*cking selfish bitch is what you are!!
Muffled Woman: F*ck you.. mumble mumble
Screaming Man: You're always using my coathangers! They cost $2!!! Go out and buy your own coathangers you stupid selfish bitch
Muffled Woman: ~~mumbles something~~
Screaming Man: Just f*ck off and don't F*cking touch my coathangers again you bitch.

Hahha... granted, when you've been dating someone for awhile you do end up having totally ridiculous arguments, (like the way one person pronounces: Prosciutto) but this coathanger argument had me in tears. Especially seen as how it was the man who who losing his nut over it, do men even use coathangers? mostly they leave their things on the floor in a big pile of washed and unwashed free-for-all. Maybe this one had a Joan Crawford complex or something???

Keep it up! I'm sure the aliens are having an excellent laugh at our expense.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

My First Wedding Freakout

Well, everything is going swimmingly, no stresses, people often asking me "so hows the wedding planning going?" and i'm like "too easy, I dont know what all the fuss is about"... I have mocked bridezillas, and stressheads and thought that mental brides were just highly strung losers.

But alas - I am apparently now a highly strung loser bridezilla with only one thing on my mind.


I had all this booked months ago, and assumed everything would be fine, thank god for the trial because my god! the worst. They were fired and I now find myself exactly one month away from my weddind day and I have NOTHING BOOKED


I have not slept or eaten or done any work today. All I am doing is stalking and searching for hair and makeup artists.

I'm gonna come out and say that its pretty much the most important thing. I want to look like a fucking hot supermodel on my wedding day. Hair and Make-Up is essential. I want to look like Arwen from the Lord of the Rings (minus the elf-ears).. Is that too much to ask? How hard is that?? apparently too hard according to the idiots who attacked my face and hair on Sunday.

What if everyone is booked? I will literally have to try the 'just rolled out of bed' look, or Heroin Chic, finding the heroin at this stage seems a lot more likely than finding a hair and makeup stylist.

Maybe the place making my dress can get some extra material and make me a nice silk sack to wear over my head so I dont have to worry about any of this.

Monday, January 28, 2008

OMG OMG New Kids Tour

They said that the tickets for the spice girls sold out 23,000 tickets in something like 12 seconds..whack

Well I wonder how long it will take for the NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK to sell out tickets to their up-coming and yet unannounced tour?

Hopefully this is actually going to materialise, and this is not some 3am delusion cooked up out of the haze from the crackpipe.

Exciting! Maybe... are they too old now? am I too old? do they still hold the key to city? did we even give them a key to the city?

All's I know is I'd be first in line to be doing my synchronised dance moves to STEP BY STEP in the front row.

At anyrate - i'm sure I'd be able to get a NKOTB keychain, and that's what a world tour is all about.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Trannie Make-up

Is it a universal thing? or just me - that whenever you go to a "make-up artist" you end up looking like a blind person has drawn all over you, and made you look like the worlds tranniest transvestite.

Is it just me? Because I have NEVER walked away from a make-up artist without washing it off and doing it again myself.

Erghhh... Where are these girls training at?? I had an appointment booked today for some trial hair and make-up for the wedding, and yeah - if the make-up girl thinks for a second that I would wear what she put on me on the day she must be insane.

Blue eyeshadow? wtf?? is it 1984. REMOVE
Last time I checked "smokey eyes" don't have black eyeshadow going up to your eyebrows.. I want to look sexy - not like I escaped a housefire and rubbed charcoal all over my face.

Fucking Amateurs.

Luckily I had my trusty "smoky eyes" cutout that I take with me once the makeup artist has proven that she doesn't have a fucking clue, even so, I still had to come home and remove what she had done and do it all myself.

Ho Hum. I bet Reece Witherspoon doesn't have to put up with this shit.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Havin a Good Cry

I cannot believe how distraught I am about Heath Ledger. Did I know him? No.. What gives?? Stupid Emotions.

So what did I do last night? I got high and watched Brokeback Mountain. Wow. Three chords into the soundtrack and I was in tears. I pretty much cried for 2 hours straight. Just thinking about the soundtrack makes me want to cry again now. Damn manipulative sad guitar music.

If I was an actress and had to do a sad moment all they'd have to do is say "Ok Heath Ledger is dead and The Wings from the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack is on"

It's funny though how a man will balk at the suggestion of getting high and crying your eyes out. What is more refreshing than a good cry? I was looking forward to it. I prepared myself with cry-materials, and a pillow to cry into. But Mark would have none of it and went to bed early. What a loser. Way to suppress your emotions.

One thing that keeps going through my head at regular intervals is 28.


28 is Too Young. Too Soon.

Fucking Tragic

Ok, gonna go cry some more about someone I didn't know. Whack.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Wow. Sadness

I was in year 8 when River Phoenix died and a girl in my class brought a framed photo of River to school and walked around with it, when quizzed about her favourite film, she didn't have an answer, she had apparently never seen one of his films, being on the sadness bandwagon was enough for her. Call me crazy, but this irks me to no end.

But I am sad about Heath Ledger.

Just the other day, I was walking down Oxford St with Mark and we were commenting how cool Heath Ledger is and what an awesome dresser he is and that his daughter is the cutest. (Superficial, but like I said, I didnt know him, this is all I have to go on)

And 4 days later to find out that he died. Wow. Sadness. He was such a great actor. a fucking fantastic actor to be exact. I know everyone cried in Brokeback Mountain, but i bawled my eyes out and couldnt leave the cinema till the credits had ended. He was great.

Anyway, i'm not gonna harp on it about. Everyone is sad. What a huge loss. A fucking tragedy to be honest.

You were awesome!! Can't wait to see you in The Dark Knight.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Steve Johns or Daniel Martin

Today Daniel Johns unveiled this:

Which reminds me very much of this:

Conflicting Emotions Happening Right Now. "emotion sickness" if you will.

I mean who doesn't love Steve Martin, I've just never thought about him in the "cover myself in honey and have him lick it off me" sort of way. He is more the "he looks cool with the broken arrow pointing through his head" sort of hot.

Hmmm and now this, a cross mojination of Steve Martin's hair and Daniel Johns' body. Reminds me of that simpsons episode where Homer had a hair transplant from Snake. It didnt go down so well for Homer, and I wondering just how well it will go down for Old Man Johns...

I'd still do him though.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Dick in the Face

I had been trying my hardest to put together a suitable Hens Night invite, and alas, I could not find any pictures of suitable penis' to attach to my work of art. Where is all the cock?? I google searched "penis" "erect penis" and these were the useless pics it came up with:

Crappy Penis Art

Disgusting Echidna Penis. WTF! Who on earth wants to look at an Echidna Penis? And what the hell is wrong with that thing! No wonder they are an endangered species.. If I was a lady-echnidna and some echidna-dude tried to put that thing near me I'd run a mile *with my tiny nonexistant legs*. Hell No We Won't Blow.

What is up with Google?? Is it being run by some weird beastiality clan? The fruition of my searches were nothing but animal penis's and Axl Whitehead... (what a career achievement for him!!)

AHA! then I realised that my stupid google account was filtering out all the good stuff. turned the filter off and HELLOOOOOOO DOODLE

Big Doodle, Small Doodle, Infected Doodle, and My Favourite:

Softly Lit Porn Doodle... yesssssssssssssssssss (pumps fist in air)

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Humina Humina Magpie Hysteria

Woke up this morning, tried to leave the house.. Oh, that's not going to happen considering there is a freakin giant Magpie swooping in the staircase outside the front door. Magpies are scary enough when you're outside in the open, let alone when one is going mental and is clearly unstable and could do anything.

I considered calling into work and citing "magpie issues", but felt that it wasn't really a great excuse. Sorry, but having a fear of giant scary birds can be debilitating sometimes.. perhaps I could fashion a ladder out of some sheets and shimmy down the side of the building....

Alas with time ticking and Mark calling me a big pussy, I had to leave the house, whilst he distracted it with a towel, and I ran down 3 flights of stairs screaming my head off. Sorry neighbours if I woke you up and you thought someone was being murdered on the stairs this morning, but how else am I supposed to deal with this so early in the morning.

An hour later, and I was composed and at work.. when I open the Daily Telegraph and saw something that literally made me slide off my seat into a puddle of lust.

My New Boyfriend - Whale Man..... HUNK!!! Saves Whales, drives around in a tiny boat in -10degree weather. Num Num. What is hotter than a guy who works for Greenpeace saving whales?? not much in my opinion. Especially if after saving the whales he came home and cooked a nice pasta for the two of us before working on the engine of his 1950's Cadillac he keeps in the garage, and came inside all covered in oil and grime before showering off and walking around the rest of the night in just a towel.


Sunday, January 13, 2008

My First Car Accident

Reverse Parking. Something I can do in my driving instructors car, something I cannot do in my own car. When someone is screaming "BREAK BREAK BREAK" at you, many things fly through your brain, most of all are not "put foot on break".. foot aims for nearest pedal.. foot hits accelerator.
Who needs a drivers licence anyway? This is just a clear sign that I should not be driving. Maybe a fancy pushbike would be the way to go for me.
Who needs a car anyway? They are bad for the environment, they cost loads of money and do we really need another hopeless driver on road?
Anyway, I have my P's test this weekend. That will be an exercise in futility. Maybe I should just drive my car into another parked car and say "thanks for memories"... do they hand out FAILURE certificates? It would look good on my fridge next to my signed photo of Napoleon Dynamite.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

NEWS in Brief

well well well , apparently Christina Aguillera and Nicole Ritchie have had their babies, the question is WHY aren't any news sources running these stories?? Do I care about politics? the environment? interest rate rises?? No. I care about celebrity wombs. Why is there not a website when you need one??

Caught the train to Newcastle today, the trip made slightly more bareable when I was able to fantasise about running into Daniel Johns and dazzling him with my wits... oops, I meant tits. Alas, this did not happen, and wow, was the trip back a punish or what! There is a huge diff between the Inner-City Train Lines and the Regional Train Lines.. that being the pitch that people yack their stupid heads off. When I am in travelling in the city during the week, there is an unspoken "talk in hushed tones" code amongst us. I dont think people from the Central Coast have heard of this code. Shut Up Bogans, the sounds of Metallica bursting my eardrums throught my headphones is hardly enough to keep you out of my throbbing head.

Have been working in Bondi Beach all week. That is one Doggy Poop covered suburb. Do people in Bondi love dodging dogshit as a sport or something? I walked through a curtain of flies one afternoon. Awesome. Listen peeps, Dogpoo comes out, Human cleans up after it, They are our masters and we are their pets. Sad But True.

I am so white. I mean white. I never before realised how practically see-thru my skin is before standing at the busstop every afternoon with people who are tanned beyond the natural pigment of tanning for their skin. Mauve is not a natural skin colour.

Also, had really bad sinus problems this week, steamed my face and got a nosebleed. Think I might have a tumor ("It's not a Tumor" - Arnold Shwarnzegger Voice.. seriously, is that the greatest line he ever said in a film?? I think so)


Monday, January 07, 2008


You know how after having some time off after Christmas and New Years its really freakin hard to get the energy and pep levels up to go to work?? well imagine how much harder it is to go back to work after THREE MONTHS off.

That's right. Three Months!! And what did I do with my time off? sweet fuck all. I hate doing things, people who do things bug me. If I had a million dollars I would still sit around in my underpants doing nothing all day. Maybe spend a day here or there on a yacht or swimming through my vault of $1 coins, but yeah, pretty much just zoning out and reading and napping is what I do best.

Wow. Today was harrrrrrrd. I am so unsocialised. I pretty much spent the past 3 months talking to the same 3 people. and the cat is one of those people. I forget how to interact normally in social situations.

Also how hard is it using a pen!! I think I forgot how to do handwriting. Answering a phone call? gross. Talking to people is freaking me out. What I wouldn't give to be back on the sweet sweet couch again.

I am now part of the elite socialite scene in hippy happening Bondi Beach. Only a travelling frenchmen would have the balls to go out in the surf I saw today. If the water has more than 1 wave in it, it's too rough for me. Also when did wearing giant baggy mustard coloured shirts with high heels and no pants become trendy?? I am learning many things in my new digs.

And if you, like me, enjoy showering in peace and quiet. Don't come to visit. Because this pervert will surely be watching with his beady little eyes, and jackin off with his 6 thousand legs of his.

well he would have. He's dead now. RIP scary bathroom spider. (NOT. You deserved to die)

Friday, January 04, 2008

Mystery Popcorn

1. Britney Spears is awesome. Hope we all agree on this.
2. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo happy to hear that Daniel Johns is getting divorced. My commiserations, but wooo hoooo all ladies rejoice. Its been 4 long tiresome years.
It's great to hear New News in the New Year.

Sean Kingston is so overrated. Hope he chokes on his microphone.