Friday, December 28, 2007

Sharks n Snakes n Santa

My Christmas Adventure in the Whitsundays...

They should really warn you that after 2 jugs of sangria, Snakes will become less like hideous killer serpents, and more like elongated hairless cats, that you will want to get up close and personal with. Snakes are not fond of cameras, they hate the papparazzi. Lesson One of my Christmas Adventure.

Who says you can't have a white christmas in Oz? alls you need to do is go to Whitehaven Beach where the worlds whitest sand will provide a suitable backdrop
This is where I found Dr Evil's secret volcano lair.

On the Great Barrier Reef, I learnt many a thing. Mainly that stupid jerk Al Gore with the worlds most boring and overrated documentary of all time, was right.. Global Warming is killing the reef. V Bad.. who wants to snorkle around and look at debris and shitty dead coral? Bags not. Ok, must remember to recycle and turn off more lights when i'm not using them.

I was super adventurous on Christmas Day and went Scuba Diving. Weird. I was too busy fighting off a panic attack and focusing on breathing that I didnt get to appreciate all the fish out there. Oh and to all you fools in scubaland, Clown Fish are not called Nemo's!!

This gigantic fish was a huge jerk, he is basically the Rob Lowe of the Great Barrier Reef, he will pose for anyones photo, and doesn't mind if people are all over him touching his fins. Why would I want to touch a freakin giant fish? ooh Slimy and Cold. Big Surprise..

Moving on to "Vic Hislop - aka: Sharkman's, totally Dodgy Shark Expo" on dry land.

Vic Hislop is not a man who likes sharks. These are the many amazing things I learnt from Vic Hislops Shark Expo.
* Sharks would prefer to eat meat, over slices of bread. Therefore they are dangerous maneaters that should be killed.
*If you tie dead fish to a boogie board, Sharks will attack it. Thus proving that they are dangerous killing machines, and should be killed.
*If you stuff a wetsuit with fishguts, a shark will attack. Hence, Sharks are out to kill humans and should be erradicated off the face of the planet.
*Most "missing person" cases, can be chalked up to shark attack. Azaria Chamberlain was quite possibly a victim of a vicious white pointer attack.

*Whenever there is a shark attack, the conservationists will spread lies that sharks are like cuddly teddy bears, and contributing to the 'Great Shark Cover Up'.
The highlight of Vic Hislop's Shark Expo, is the 'frozen' shark....which is really just a dried up sad looking thing in an airconditioned glass case of emotion.
Don't forget, Sharks are dangerous, crazy, hellbent on mankinds destruction. You should never try to cuddle one.
Well, that was my Christmas. Hope yours was as informative as mine.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Have a Rockin Christmas



Ho Ho Ho, and what did Santa leave under the ol' Dying Star Christmas Tree?? (And yes, I am totally unable to control myself around presents.)

Yeah Guitar Hero III Mofo's!

Websters Dictionary defines HAND CRAMP as playing Guitar Hero for umpteen hours straight.

I'm supposed to go to the Whitsundays today for a Cruisey Christmas, but do I have to? Guitar Hero is so freakin awesome.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

I Hate Drycleaners




"The One Where I Go To The Stinkin Drycleaners"

I rock up with my top, its small, its black, there are suspect stains on it, I want to wear it again soon.

Me: How much to clean this top?
Them: (pondering over the ornate special un-removable brooch thing) does this come off?
Me: No

Them: signals to some atypical drycleaner who comes over and starts pawing at my top.. Does this come off?
Me: ............Noooooooooo, is that a problem?
Them: This will have to be special dry clean

Me: Isn't dryclean special enough? compared to like a bucket or something?
Them: this cost more


erghhhhhhhhhh I fucking hate drycleaners. I hate buying a top and realising that its fucking dryclean only. I hate high-maintenance clothing. It's like hookin up with a really hot guy then realising he has an overbearing mother, chronic tinea and hallitosis. The Worst.

I reckon over a period of time, I would spend more money on cleaning the stupid thing, than it actually cost to buy it. Where is the logic in that?

What I wouldn't give to live in the jungle and wear a banana leaf all day. If they can hook my tree-house up with Foxtel, I'm sold.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Weddings. The Ultimate Weapon of War

I seriously wouldn't be surprised if WWII broke out because Hitler wasn't invited to his neighbours Barmitzvah and took it personally.

What is up with weddings and the totally socially retarded behaviour of people who you deign to call "friends" & "family"

It's obvious when you plan the wedding guest list you are bound to step on someones toes. I just never really considered the penultimate weapon that a Missing or Extended invite can havoc on the world.

Case Point. I knew a guy who wasn't invited to his own brothers wedding.

What a really cunting thing to do. What the heck is up with people?

When the wedding invites are sent out and you recieve one, cant you just RSVP?? without the following social retardedness:

"can my girlfriend come?"
"can my boyfriend come?"
"i hear so&so's not invited???"
"are you inviting the neighbours?? well the neighbours' son is getting married and we're all invited except you"


No they can't come. Did you see their name on the invite?? No more Questions. No more Badgering.

Can't we all just be grown ups? It's not a popularity contest. It's all about Numbers. Nothing else.

All I want is 65 RSVP's and hopefully some really tacky heirlooms. Is that too much to ask????!!!!! That and perhaps a DVD boxset of that stupid show "NUMB3RS" so I at least have a significant prop to hold up when I give my speech.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Animal Farts

Sometimes my cat can drop an F-Bomb that clears the room. But is he really that stinky? In the realm of the animal kingdom?

What I would love to do (in the name of science) is to go on Safari and smell some animals in the wild farting. Dangerous? Some would say Yes. But in the name of scientific research, I am willing to put my life on the line.
Do Animals In The Wild Have Smellier Farts Than Those Kept In A Domestic Capacity. A Scientific Paper On The Stinky Habits Of Wilderbeasts.


Here we see The Angry Lion, moments after letting one rip, who begins to be antagonised by other members of the herd for stenching it up, and blowing their cover to some nearby Zebras. Colloquially referred to as "Queefing" or "Gigantic Pussy Fart" amongst natives, the Lion Fart is one of natures most brutal and stenchy farts around. It is also a certain deathwish to get one's nose up close to get a whiff of the elusive 'Wild Queef'.

Next on our journey into the wild, is the Sloth, who is one of natures more disgusting creatures, who seems inclined to stick around and dwell in it's own stench. Why wouldn't one just climb up a tree after such an abomination had left the exit hatch? Only a Sloth can answer that question. On the plus side, because Sloths are known to revel in their own farts, it is not hard for a Fart-Seeker to find one of these captivating animals lingering around on a tree stump with a weird look on its face.


And finally we come to the Lonesome Giraffe. Giraffe's are actually very social creatures, but they are often spotted on their own, seeming to tend to their own thoughts in the wild. However, It is a little known fact that Giraffes have quite bad memories, so it is not unheard of for a gigantic fight to erupt hours after a fart was released over who was the supposed culprit, each denying culpability and never speaking to each other again. Part of this phenomena lends itself to their gigantic necks, and the time it takes for a 'Giraffart' to make its way up to their noses. Whilst it is a sad fact that many Giraffes will never speak to each other again, it is not hard for a Fart-Connoisseur to sneak up behind one in the bushes and get a good whiff.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Tom Cruise Conundrum

Life is so very hard right now, because I am in a glass case of emotion.

On the one hand:


And on the other hand, I just watched Mission Impossible III and I didn't hate it.

I was actually kinda rooting for him.

"Be careful Tom Cruise! Don't smash your face up on that side of a building"

Conundrum.

My World has turned upside down. I don't know who I see when I look in the mirror anymore, its just like an incredibly attractive stranger is staring back at me.

Up is Down.
Light is Dark.
Ellen Degeneres is actually funny.
James Blunt makes good music.

What Gives??

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Definitions

LOVE:
Brushing your teeth whilst your partner sits on the toilet next to you doing a wee, discussing who has and has not RSVP'd to the wedding.

FRUSTRATION:
Staying awake till 3am "reading the book first" then switching on the Foxtel Box only to realise that the film you wanted to watch isn't on anymore

HOMICIDAL:
When your neighbour gets up at 8am and starts scrubbing the staircase outside your window. At first you can't quite pick what the sound is, then you will figure it out and have to hide all the knives, lest you run outside and stab Scrubby McScrubberson in the head.

DISGUSTED:
When the cat is coughing up a hairball on the 'good rug' so you pick him up and have to decide between letting him puke on the rug, or shove him in the bathroom with someone who is incidentally doing a turd in there. It's hard to say who was more disgusted. The Cat, Or the Pooper who had to watch a cat throw up whilst they did their business.

RIGHTEOUS:
Having an argument in the car wheather "Echo Beach" is the greatest song ever, then getting home, downloading it, and proceeding to do interpretive dance in the loungeroom, to get the other person to admit, that it is indeed, the greatest song ever written.

CHEAP:
Spending all day looking for a simple black cardigan with mid-length sleeves, only to find each one is about $150. And going home empty-handed and cold.

AN ILL-DEFINED INNER RAGE:
Arguing about who moved the TV. I didn't move it, and you tell me that you didn't move it, one of us is lying, so it must be you. Hence I will not speak to you the rest of the night until you admit you did move the TV. I don't care if you had a nightmare. I am not talking to you.

Friday, December 07, 2007

anything but Scalene


If I have a daughter, I think i'll name her Isosceles.

I think its a pretty name. Very Romanesque. Hints of 'Alexander the Great.. my mother is having sex with a snake and my dad is super-gay'

Way better than 'Scalene'.. what a hideous name. If someone was called Scalene they would by all measures be completely mental and end up living in a park and have trees and bins as best friends.

No No Isosceles it is.

'Triangle' isn't too bad either.. sort of in that Gwyneth Paltrow 'Apple' kinda way. If she even thinks for a second about naming her 3rd child 'Triangle' though she better watch out. I baggsed it. Screw You Gwyneth, come up with your own names!!!!!!

Forever Yours,
Isosceles xxx

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Recount Please

I'm not really down with maths, pythagoras' theorem (?) can go jump.. sin cos tan.. evs.. however.. counting is fine.. I like counting.. must hark back to the days of Sesame Street and The Count (pimp anyone?) .. Counting backwards is especially fulfilling.

Which is why you cant keep me away from a good ol music countdown.

They have been counting down the 500 greatest songs of all time on VH1. Big Call. I watched with heavy anticipation awaiting the Top 10, lest.... Number One.

This was one music countdown that I felt actually gave justice to music, as a lot of recent countdowns seem like the voting public cant remembe more than 6 months ago. Gwen Stefani isn't that great. Her songs shouldn't be included in the mix of 'greatest songs of.all.time'.

Weeks go past, and its finally the weekend of the top 10 countdown.
Prince. Nice
Led Zepp. Good Call
Michael J. Agreed
John Lennon. Hot
Eurythmics. Noice
INXS. ehhhh
The Rolling Stones. Is there anyone else?

Oooh number one what will be number one.. I could barely stand it.

.................................. some shitty song I never hear on the radio or anywhere else for that matter "Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen" what the holy fcuk!!!

Ummm what gives?? THIS is the Number One song of All Time! Are they mental. Yeah Bruce is good-ish.. but I would hardly rate this song as the greatest song of All Time

To me, the greatest song of all time would be one that surpases its generation and is still relevant, influences contemporary artists, its beat/riffs are stolen and looped into mainstream music... and I don't think that 'Born to Run' has done this.

Thriller (MJ) ? Twist & Shout (The Beatles) ?? Johnny Cash?? Elvis - the Pioneer of Rock & Roll??

RIPPED OFF!!! They could have at least made 'Dancing in the Dark' Number one, at least that had Courtney Cox in the filmclip. Lame. Boo You VH!. Boo You. I want my Saturdays back.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Ratchet & Clank - Girlfriends Review


I admit. I am not a big gamer, but when my signif begs me to allow him to time to play on the stupid PS3 I would much rather be watching a cute game, than some loud idiotic war game. Hence I don't hate Ratchet & Clank. Much.
I am a spectator, I have absolutely no skills when it comes to playing these things and I die within the first 2 seconds, so as a girlfriend it's fun to be part of a game for once.
Whether that input revolves around 'helping out' - "use the gelanator you idiot"
'support' "dive under the water moron, otherwise the bombs will explode you, did you die? suck shit."
Or just provide additional commentary throughout the entire game "who is that guy? why dont you go in the water.....go in the water....go in the water.... why cant you fly? use the lever, climb up that plant. you need some health, ooh a master bolt.. what does it do?"
Ratchet & Clank doesn't suck much, and I am quite content to laze around in a semi vegetative trance staring at the screen providing my thoughts to my signif, mainly just to annoy him and ruin whatever amount of gameplay he tries to get in.
However when asked "so is this game good?" the answer is "there are no good games, only slightly less pathetic games than the last game..." (aside from perhaps Guitar Hero III which I am yet to purchase.)
Stabometer Rating.. meh.. This game relaxes me into a trance so that I barely have the energy and the will to pick up a stabbing utensil at all.