Tuesday, July 31, 2007

NEW JOKE!!!!

Ok, I OFFICIALLY just made this joke up.. no kidding.. I really need to get this copyrighted right this second considering my Dinosaur joke of the 90's took off in such great fashion:

The Dinosaur Joke of the 90's I MADE UP:
Q - what do you call a prison rape-victim dinosaur?
A - a Manigotasaurus (man i got a sore ass. get it! get it!)

I heard this one doing the rounds! I get no regard.

The Joke I MADE UP just then:
Q - why did the agent fire his vaccum, which was working as his assistant?
A - because it sucked.

HAHAHAHA I kill me.
Just think how much fun it would be hanging out with me all time, obliging my shitty jokes, and being a 'witness' to when I come up with untold hilarities.

If you think it'd be fun, then bid on my Silverchair Ticket Auction and we can hang out. Its on Ebay.. Please buy them. I really really dont want to go...Twice.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Fuck You Spiderman...

You know the drill.... long day at work, tedius trip home on public transport and you get home to... a fucking hole in the roof.

It's a hole in my roof.. a hole in my roof giiiiiirl.

Ok, so who is out there making love to my roof with their foot?? Presumably its probably some workman who slipped and put his giant toe through the plaster... foot, giant boner.. whatevs....

However, if it's not some horny plaster-fetish plumber making love to my roof, I have come to the conclusing that it was probably Spiderman....In which, coming home to find my roof's cherry uncermoniously popped, you have to think, who is footing the bill when superheros come crashing through your wall?? "yeah thanks for getting my purse back, but was it really necessary to rip my house a new a-hole?"

It just seems unnecesarily messy to go thrashing through a city to apprehend some villian that noone besides the hero really knows about.... personally I think Superhero's are just Compulsive Destructo's.

"what the fuck did you do to my roof!!!!"
"umm sorry about that I needed to use it to.. bounce off.. so I could.. catch...Mr.... Mistachio Pistachio, the evil peanut villian"
"and my car??"
"used it as a shield against his giant peanut splaying machine"
".....ok then....."

FIX MY ROOF!!!!!

Jerks.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Man Overboard Situation

On Saturday - in between my manic Harry Potter reading marathon, I got hungry, I was watching the episode of South Park where the boys go to 'Raisons' *play on Hooters*, and I was thinking to myself - what would go down real nice right now is some Hooters Chicken Wings - so off we goes to Hooters, and did we ever eat loads of Chicken Wings - Chicken Wings and Ribs.. sooo much chicken... I cant even think about Chicken right now, except I can, because I had chicken for lunch..mmm chicken.

Anyway - so its Sunday night and I still havent poohed out my Hooters Chicken Meal, and i'm thinkin 'yowza.. hope I dont bust an intestine'.. so whilst out shopping for weekly dinner ingredients (more chicken) I go into the vitamin aisle to buy a packet of 'herbal laxatives', i'm all for eating a shitload of food, then pooing it out really quickly as to avoid getting fat.. but the last thing I need at a new job is to be known as 'Poo Pants' the girl who ate laxatives then pooed her pants cos she didn't get to the toilet in time.

I really needn't have worried about that - as I will henceforth be known as The Girl who did a giant Hooters Chicken Poo and broke the toilet.

Aghhh, why me.. not only do my toilets at work have a giant window that people can see into from outside *i checked* but I totally clogged the toilet with my giant chicken poo.

Feeling very elated and light-headed from dropping 2kg of chickenpoo into the bowl, I stand up to flush it down, and it just sits there.. and fills up with water... and my gigantic logs almost escape the bowl and do a man-overboard onto the floor.

what to do? what to do??

I stuffed the toilet with more paper (cos that will make it easier to flush) and quickly hurried down the hall to tell the office manager that the loos are broken and someone should call maintenance.. and she's like "oh we don't have anyone, we have to look after this ourselves"

what!! this chickenpoo will not linger on my conscience any longer sorry, so I put a post-it on the look in stealth mode *sunglasses and a trenchcoat* with BROKEN written in large letters.. now all I can do is hope that noone recognises my handwriting and traces the Clog Bog back to me.

Damn Chicken.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

The Piano - Belated Review

I don't know how many years ago THE PIANO came out, but I watched it for the first time on the weekend, and I have to say; it was a great film, whilst being a stupid piece of shit.

WHY did this film have to be set in New Zealand.. having the film set in NZ totally ruined it.. yeah its about some guy who transplants his new family to another country, but hey - why couldn't they just be transplanting the other side of their own country? or town?? NZ is sooo ugly, full of big ugly trees and "natives".. its really hard to take Sam Neil seriously when he's on the screen with a bunch of natives with shit all over their face...

There are some movies where having mauri's with shit all over their face really works - Once Were Warriors, KING KONG - this work's.. sadly, The Piano is not one of them.

Especially seen as how it was set in 'Pioneer Time' having Holly Hunter run around the forest wearing some hideous pokey bonnet made this film almost un-watchable.

So Jane Campion, these are my suggestions - keep the story of love, betrayal, pain, anguish, fingers being chopped off, choosing life over death and the piano, but lose the pokey bonnets and natives with shit all over their face...

And whilst we're at it - can Anna Paquin fire her agent?? If you're winning Oscars at 6 years old, then doing films where the most interesting thing about you is a white streak in your hair - you've really gone downwards (FYI that look is sooooo 1989 - its called Degrassi High, you Caitlyn wannabe)

THE PIANO ** TWO STARS, one for seeing Harvey Keitels Doodle, and another for seeing it again in rewind then playback in slow-motion.

Nerd

What did I do this weekend?? I sat on the couch forming an ass-groove to rival all ass-grooves and read the final Harry Potter book.

I never really considered myself one of those Potter-Nerds, I was quite happy to wait till the book came out in paperback so I could buy a copy to fit in with the rest of my collection.... but I brought it anyway.. and for the past 48 hours I have not moved ONCE from the couch.

I had a party to go to - a cool party with free food and cocktails and a gaggle of gays to show my ridiculously white teeth to.. but the couch beckoned, Potter had priority.

I stayed awake till 3am reading as much as I could last night, dreaming of Inferis, Resurrection Stones, Crumple Horned Snorkacks, till I woke up and got back onto the couch and kept reading.. till the end.

I havent eaten, I havent bathed, I have been wearing the same underpants from 2 days ago. Starving, Smelly, Crusty.

There was a code of silence understood in the apartment, do not talk to me, or ask questions about the book with fear of a beating. Silence Prevails.

But it was worth it.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM is my hero.

POTTER NERD!!!!!!! Big Time.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Pet Peeve #1

My BIGGEST Pet Peeve is children answering phones. Children should not be answering phones.

It is NOT cute.
It is NOT fun when you need to speak to someone in a hurry and some child answers the phone and proceeds to wander around the house with the cordless phone pointing out all the things that it likes and slobbering all over the mouthpiece.

I dont want to have to beg and bribe your child to put you on the phone.

People with voice-mail messages that is left by a child or the sounds of gurgling should be shot.
Nooone thinks your child is a vocal prodigy just because it can glurbal incoherantly which you as a parent think is incredibly heartwarming...this is not heartwarming, this is like fingernails on a chalkboard.

This is a business. If you want your kids to get used to answering phones get a fake one. Or just walk past and go BRIIIIINNGGG to see what it would say...

I cannot handle one more phone call where some child thinks I am its mother, then bursts into tears when it realises i'm not. I cant handle telling a kid that I really dont care about powerrangers, and Hi5, but I really just want to talk to a GROWN UP!!! aghhhhh

Kids in Cages = Good
Kids on Phones = Bad

Chinese Whispers - I'M PREGNANT!!!

Yes, apparently I am the big P.. Pregnant that is... great woo hoo.... party time.. Not.
Except that I'm not.

My last post was about me having this strange virus - which had a lot of pregnancy symptoms.. like: strange cravings, spotting, nausea, vomitting.. but there is no way that i'm pregnant.. not that I checked, but I'm in serious denial if I was.

Anyway - the point of this story is last night I found out by text that I was pregnant.

Kylie: Is it tru?
ME: Is what tru?
Kylie: Mum just told me you're pregnant
ME: WHAT!!!!!##@!.. there is no way.
Kylie: Ha Ha, she thinks you're preggers.

So yeah, im pregnant, cos Kylies mum says I am.. this is great, hopefully I start getting some pity seats on public transport, and Marks mum will definitley start giving me some attention as her life revolves around the news of vaginas of others.. I will definitly be getting good christmas presents this year - if you're on the Knocked Up Boat its all i-Pods and TV's and Cash, if you're not knocked up, its mouldy old fondue sets covered in dust thats been sitting in the cupboard for 7 years.

Perhaps Kylies mum is some kind of Vagina Pychic?? She could make a killing if she was.. I for one am not a fan of peeing on that little stick, I always piss all over my hands and end up ruining a towel in the process of wiping myself down.

Call 1800 - KYLIES - MUM--VADGE for your pregnancy prediction.

Now I just want to know if its a girl or boy, so I can start buying clothes that say: I LOVE BOOBIES, or DIMPLES COME FROM HAVING SEX WHILST PREGNANT. MY DAD HAS A HUGE DICK.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Pregnancy Flu

Anyone who has known me for a long period of time, will tell you that I am not "down" with children, they bore me, they smell, babies are fun until they scream and shit their pants, toddlers are fun when they're not ruining things and crying, and mostly should be tied up, I am seriously lacking in the maternal genepool.

I have long said that I would never have babies, and if I did, i'd only play with it whilst it was being good, and lock it in a cage or send it to Boarding School when it stopped being interesting.

Then I started working with Children.

Some might say that this was a rather bizaare career move for someone who is allergic to children. They would be right.

After many hours spent watching kids do dance routines, puppet shows, fashion parades, talking to them about their favourite subjects, movies and bands, I have discovred my desired niche child.. A Creative Articulate 10 year old, whom one can hold a reasonable conversation with.

Where can I get me one of these?? Childbirth doesnt interest me at all. Neither does having a screaming baby tying me to the house in my pyjamas for 3 years and having what people refer to as "baby brain". I want an articulate smart funny 10 year old who can tell me WHY they preferred the 3rd Harry Potter movie over the most recent. I dig kids with well formed opinions.

Then I got the "pregnancy virus" from all my 10 year old child yearnings.

Yesterday I could not stand the smell of the perfume I was wearing and needed to shower. twice. in order to get rid of the offensive odour.. then throw everything I had come into contact with in the wash.. Blegh.. so nauseaus.

Then I had The Cravings.. Cravings for mashed potato and gravy. at 11pm.. I had to make it, and I did, otherwise I wouldnt have been able to sleep.

Team that with my incessant nausea at the mere thought of certain foods "pad thai!" BLEGGHHHH, Milk and Cereal BLEGHHHH, any form of scented deoderant of perfume.. SPEWWWW!!!

Yeah I definitely have the pregnancy virus. Hope I pop out a nice 10 year old.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

No Beetroot Club

If there is one thing in this world I am OBSESSED with - its having white teeth. I want Iceberg White Teeth, I want Teeth that are so white, that during a war, the army would call upon me to fight for the allies and blind the enemies fighter-pilots with my smile.

I tried the usual whitening toothpastes - didn't do shit, Whitening Strips - pffft, Gargling 6% Peroxide - was ok, till coming home drunk and gargling it undiluted - tastes like the spoof from a slimy giant who lives under a moudly rock in a garbage dump. Foul. What to do, What to do.. Till finally my answer came from who else? But The Gays..

The Gays know everything. This one gay in particular told me that the ONLY way to whiten your teeth is to get a special mouthtray and some "illegal mouth domestos" from Mexico off Ebay... Any other Whitening Option is just pointless or expensive (ie: that laser whitening - you'd be better off spending your $900 on buying a new head)

So off I goes to get my tray and my 'legal' whitening gel.. so far so good, have to wear do it for 14 days then I should be able to stop traffic with my pearly whites.

Some might call me "superficial" or "vain".. but hey, at least now I have an excuse not to eat Beetroot, or drink "cola" or teas and coffees because my dentist told me too... No "Dark" food or drinks for me.. Wanker? Yes.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I like Kids Films

Yeah, I'm a sucker for Kids movies, I lined up with a sea of 4 year olds to see Finding Nemo when it came out, I brought the Pixar Box Set with Monsters Inc, A Bugs Life, Toy Story 1&2, and last night I really enjoyed watching Over The Hedge.

But these are a different breed of childrens films to the ones I was subjected to in my childhood - the ones that I watched, I can't even think about going near because I will be a blubbering mess afterwards..

Have you ever watched 'The Secret of NIMH' ?? seriously! A single rat mother has to magically move her house out of the marsh, for her kids are sick and cant walk, or they'll all be obliterated... that movie was soooo sad.

What about 'The Land Before Time' - when Littlefoot watches his mother get totalled by the Tyrannosaurus Rex and dies telling him to go on without her.. yikes, my heart just cant take it.

Don't even get me started on Bambi... that movie is just wrong.

I understand that kids films need to teach children about the importance of Family, Teamwork, Friendship, Honesty, Health and Happiness.. but do they really need to plow these messages home with sadness and death??

You watch these films to be entertained, not deeply traumatised.. I cant even look at a Tyrannasaurex Rex these days without residual anger rising up inside me.

Down with Rex!! Up with Rats.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

TYPICAL

This is definitely what I should be eating today...
Good Ol' Duffy Brothers Supermarket.. you made my day.
What does one put on a PAIN SANDWICH?? nails? rusty spikes? Tears of a Thousands Nights...
I'll have two please. One for me, and One for my Rage.
Wednesday Wrongness

Agh, its just not happening for me today - for one - the stupid Title panel in Blogger isn't working. Fix that shit up.

How could one know that getting out of bed was just a bad idea, before they've stepped into the world and wanted to crawl under a rock.

First of all - I have the worlds crappest hair. Its too clean, I blow-dried it and went to bed and must have slept funny because it is unruly, and poking up at all wrongness angles. Awful. So I tried to tie it back, but look more shit than before... Crap.

Secondly - I must look like shit.. otherwise why would someone say "so, no makeup today??" wtf? ofcourse I have makeup, clearly my bags and frown and hairy eyebrows have burst forth from their lair and are attacking my face. I look like shit.

Third - woke up with a sore throat. Fuck. Screw you Germs.

Finally, I just didnt pick a great outfit today, I wanted to go for warm and cosy, but couldnt bring myself to wear a tracksuit to work just yet - wish I had.. stupid boots, stupid stockings, stupid top with holes in it.. I really think its the holes that are bringing me down.. I dont think Anne Hathaway goes to work with holes in her clothes. Holey clothes are just a small step away from eating out of the garbage and scabbing "ciggies" off strangers in the street (and I don't even smoke)

Blegh.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Silverchair Overload

So, This year for my birthday I was wishin, and hopin, and dreamin, and wishin for some General Admission tix to see Silverchair on their Across the Divide Tour.. I missed out on the Presales because I am not a fan of Powderfinger At. All. and they are playing at Acer Arena in Sydney which is Stinktown.. and in my opinion - there is no point going to a concert if you dont have general admission tix to stand around and rock out with.. Seating is lame. So I procrastinated till it was too late.. Tickets went on sale and I was like "fuck it, i'm goin" but for all my angst and effort all that was left was Ants View seats at the back.. NOT HAPPY!! But seen as how they were the only ones left, I got them (well my dad brought them for me, for my birthday present - one for me - one for Mark)

A few hours later I go online to check the actual date of the concert and Lo and Behold a SECOND NIGHT has gone on sale and YES!! there are General Admission tix on sale.. So I snag myself 2 of those (as you always need someone to rock out with).. so now I have FOUR silverchair tickets.

What to do, What to do.

Do I go twice?? That seems a bit crazy..

Plan A) Go to the first concert in our Ants View seats with a pair of Binoculars, a grandma blanket, and get really stoned and write notes about the songs we plan to rock out to the next night.. and throw peanuts at Powderfinger.

Or Plan B)

2 tickets for Silverchair for SALE!!!!
Would suit someone with excellent hearing and bad eyesight..
Tickets come with a) coffee machine, and lolly grabbing machine, some size 12 girls clothing, and a toaster and heater that are probably broken, and a ... hug..... from me.. tickets are reasonably priced (retail for $105) selling for $80 each.

Anyone??

Monday, July 09, 2007

SMASHED CAKE


I suffer from some form of: Singing Happy Birthday and Cake-A-Phobia.
All my life, I have HATED with passion the stupid tradition that is SINGING and CAKE.. As a child I used to either a) run away and hide until the singing stopped or if I was feeling really horrified b) smash the cake up - then hide under the table.
Can you think of anything more terrifying to a child? than Everyone standing around staring at you and singing under the glare of candlelight?? that amounts to child abuse.
So yeah anyway, today you can feel my "joy" when I was accosted at work with a huge crowd of everyone I work with with a mudcake and candles singing Happy Birthday to me..
EEEEEEEEEEK
I've only been here a month, I dont want them to see me crawling around under my desk rubbing my arms together drooling chanting "happy place, happy place".. so i sucked it up and let them get on with their so called "festivities"
Ergh Cake!!!!
NOTE: I was actually quite touched that they cared enough and knew it was my birthday, that they thought to get a cake, candles and sing to me.. mmmmm Happiness Overflowing Inside.. Its like when the Grinch's heart explodes at Christmas... Stupid Nice People with their hugs and kisses and singing and mudcake and wellwishing... Damn those wonderful people to hell.
Live Earth.. What's Up??

Question: WHERE is all the money going? They went on and on about 'raising awareness' but what about the money?? WRONGNESS!!!

I taped the whole show and this is what I thought:

SYDNEY - dumb. No surprises there, I didnt expect it to be good with such a HACK line-up, oh and can Missy Friggen Higgens get off the stage for 10 seconds??!!! You arent IN Crowded House you RING-IN! And way to have a blackout, stupid Sydney.. *not to mention the furore about the alcohol by the punters* That is such an Australian thing to do though, turn up to a gig you have travelled to and paid for and then leave because the grog line is too long, I am surprised the ANZACS stuck around in Gallipoli, "I didnt travel all this way to Turkey to sit in a fucking ditch.. I'm outta here". NO BEER. NO FEAR.

TOKYO - They love their metal over there, Linkin Park rocked, and Rhianna was fucking FAT.. F-A-T Fat.. what the heck was that outfit?? some pregnant westie catsuit?? Did she not look in a mirror?? No wonder the crowd was so subdued, she looked like she ate a midget then pooed it out into her pants and danced around with it in there the whole show.

SHANGHAI - i'm not sure when techno and opera merged to form some socially acceptable form of modern music, but the Shanghaians really kicked its ass.

HAMBURG - Ok since when does Shakira play guitar?? I wasnt sure what I was watching, but it was a cross between some spanish porn film and a rock show. Stop playing the guitar and show us your abs. Its what the people paid to see. Is Hamburg the only country letting Snoop in now?? Poor S N double O P, the D O double G Y, The D O Double G. Noone was getting into it, but he looked cool in his custom made Burberry Tracksuit and Bling Microphone, plus they had to bleep out his swearing so the songs sounded really bad. A Snoop show without "niggers, bitches, Ho's, and throw your motherfucking hands in the air" Just isnt a Snoop show.

LONDON - KILLED IT!!! My God.. The line-up was fan-fucking-tastic. Stand Outs: Metallica, SPINAL TAP!! *with Jennifer Saunders as the slutty Groupie* Pussycat Dolls (surprising) and Madonna (dur), Foo Fighters (i got up and danced around my loungeroom to My Hero) I hate Everyone who was there, as that show is the best show that anyone could have put together.

NEW YORK - Kanye was great, Jon Bon Jovi *anchovi* was really good.. surprsing for an old geezer, as was Roger Waters ( i thought he was dead??)

Overall - the concerts were amazing, but as Queen Madge said "don't let this just be about entertainment"... honestly though, if you wanted to make an impact about the Environment how about playing an Acoustic set in the dark??

I will try my hardest to turn off lights when i'm not in the room, I catch Public Transport, I'll be a good little recylcer, but other than that?? what more can I do??

PEACE

Thursday, July 05, 2007

You got the Right Stuff

"love the way you turn me on"

what exactly are you talking about Jordan Knight??

After all, I was only 10 years old when that song came out... What exactly does a 10 year old do that turns you on so much??

Perv.

Put some clothes on.

No Don't.

I still love you.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Not On My Watch...

If I was running the shop, there is no way in hell I would stand for any of the following:

Death of Sunday Night Movie.
What the *$%! is up with the idiot tv execs who axed the Sunday Night movie?? Nothing says family togetherness like everyone getting together at the end of a week and watching the Sunday Night Movie together.. *especially if there was a 6.30pm Disney Special on.. ? how are families coping? oh yeah, noone speaks to each other anymore "playstation nyaahhh" Furthermore, it was something to look forward to at the end of the week before the horrors of Mondayitis.. the Sunday Night Movie Premier, honestly, how else are you supposed to watch crappy movies like "Double Jeopardy" NOT ON MY WATCH!!

PRE-PAY end of civilisation.
If I didnt have a job you know how many conversation's i'd have in a day.. NONE!! cos noone speaks to each other anymore, we're all running around with our headphones in, on our mobiles on the bus, in queues - now you dont even have to talk to the busdriver!! Poor Busman!! Pre-Pay will be the death of conversation and banter amongst strangers.. Lest the children of the future grow up without the ability to talk to strangers.. NOT ON MY WATCH!!!

Cunts who drive past and splash you.
Jerks.. What is the point of driving past some disgusting gutter puddle and splashing me?? ruining my Sportsgirl Shopping high?? If I ever see you, you better run!! Did you just do it to be a big man in front of your moronic friends?? or just to ruin someone elses day (and Dry-Clean only jacket) NOT ON MY WATCH!

People who dont cut off the Cashmere Tag
You know who you are.. yeah that 100% cashmere tag that comes stuck to the outside of your sleeve/scarf, that comes off stupid!! you're not supposed to wear it around with pride "ooooh cashmere.. dont forget the woolwash"... Idiots..

And that is NOT ON MY WATCH.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Happee Birthday To Me.....

Very Merry Un-Birthday To Me? To You.
Very Merry Merry Un-Birthday, to who?? To you.

Very Merry Un-Birthday
To Meeeee

Ok so its not "technically" my birthday, but I really wanted to party on the 30th June for many reasons.. a) my birthday is on July 9th, that's a monday, noone parties on a monday. b) We can also celebrate end of financial year and burn our group certificates, c) it was a BLUE MOON.


As the saying goes "once in a blue moon" well last night it actually happened (which means 2 full moons in one month, very rare, only happens once every 14 years) and when there is a full moon everyone gets a little crazy, imagine the levels of insanity when there are 2 of them.

So I blame the moon and not the copius amounts of champagne that I inhaled like oxygen for the insanity that followed.


(Yes that is a CHUX wipe around my neck. I make Chux look good)

Festivities were set in 'The Argyle' in The Rocks, some totally 'so hot right now' bar that I didnt even know existed until 10 days ago... how is this possible?? this place has everything you could ask for: Cobblestones (for blaming when you fall over) Woodbeams, Daybeds, Chandeliers, and a DJ in a see-thru booth perched over the dancefloor... how did the 3 million other people there know it existed?? Perplexing.

One thing about the place is the toilets, they are uni-sex, the men have mork n mindy urinal-pods to pee in (although no matter how hard you try you cant see any doodles) and mens and ladies toilets, and if a man is standing in the toilet line, you totally know they are either doing a big poo, or have a small dick and stagefright issues. Its a lose-lose situation for men really.

It is a shitfight to score a bed to lounge on and look cool, and seen as how it was my party I felt the need to "baggsed" one and fend off any Ho's who would try to sit down, that was until a tidal wave of beer drenched me, enter the era of SEXY-CHUX-LADY... I ran around strutting my shit with a cleaning sign and cleaning surfaces with my new-look Chux Scarf... Which was all brought to a halt when the bouncer took away my sign, but the crowd boo-ed... so at least I made a small difference in getting Ho germs off all the surfaces surrounding my crew....

Dancing... Drinking.. It got to be 3am how??? So we left and went.. I dont wanna say where, but the red couches will speak for themselves:


The worst part was that no matter how many fingers I put down my throat I just couldn't bring up anything except stringey stomach bile.. Those couches are like the devil, as soon as you sit on them you get the reality check of how disgusting you are gonna feel the next morning, so why fight going home? may as well just sleep under the coats.

And what brings a person back to life when they are on the verge of becoming a zombie?? *braaaaains*.. that would be the good ol' Golden Arches.

I was just NOT coping in the wait for my burgers, I sat down and called Mark who was in the line begging him to be quicker and sent a text: "WHERE ARE THE BURGERS!??! TORTURE!!" But they were the elixer of life when they went into my overly bile-ridden stomach, and I actually made it home without passing out in the gutter.

Enter the realm of being 27... I reckon it's gonna be even better than 26. (although I did have to buy 2 types of eyecream last week)