Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Pros and Cons of a Mansion

Courtney Cox and David Arquette are selling their home, they want $33 Million.


Who wants to live in a house with THAT many windows?? What about Naked Alone Time?? What about Naked Taco Tuesday? What about Naked Thursday DVD Marathon ???

CONS:
about $20,000,000 overpriced
robes are a necessity at all times
there's probably lots of snakes in those rocks outside
hailstorm?? forget about it

PROS:
Bragging rights at how rich you are "yaaaahs I paid a cool $33 million for my pad yaaaahs"

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Signs of a good Satdee

1. Usage of Pool Cue as Electric Guitar to "rock out" with


2. Light Up Dancefloors...


Who said you need to go to the Eastside to have a good time?? Sure it's $10 to get in *free for 'the pretty girls'* , and you'll be sharing a dancefloor with people who tuck their denim shirts into their denim jeans..... Other than that... Who needs to move????

If I did where would The North Side Bags be??

Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Perfect Crackden

Looking for a rental property is the most tedius, laborious, painstakingly annoying chore that one can undertake on a sunny weekend.... crackden after crackden.... some of the places we walked into I didnt even know if they were rentals, thier doors were open???? Nice Green Carpet crackheads.... smoking inside apartments is just gross.

Things I don't want to see in a Rental Apartment, that I would be paying upwards of $430 a week for:
* Cracky Carpet - in green, shades of mustard, bloodstained, reeking of smoke
* Dungeons at the entrance
* Mysterious cupboards for hiding bodies in
* Showercurtains with 800 new species of mould germs
* Slimy walls and condensation on the windows

Is it really too much to ask for a place that humans without smack problems would want to live in???

Eh, I suppose I was looking in "bondi" (trendy) I could tell by the tude that the coffeeshop waitress was giving me that they dont want 'my type' moving into the neighbourhood, and the places we saw were probably the "joke" places they show us North Shore types to keep us out the neighbourhood.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

LIVE LAME

Why is it that during the *biggest* series of concerts spread out across the globe, Australia can't get a decent line up together... I've been hearing constant updates about this 'Live Earth' concert, there is even a countdown on the music channels on Foxtel, yet when it comes down to it, I wouldnt go to that lame concert if I was given a free ticket.

Lets compare shall we:

LONDON: Madonna, Foo Fighters, RHCP, SPINAL TAP!!!, Black Eyed Peas, Beastie Boys, Geneisis
USA: Smashing Pumpkins, The Police, Kanye West, Alicia Keys, BON JOVI!!!!
GERMANY: Chris Cornell, Snoop Dogg
JAPAN: Linkin Park, Rhianna
SOUTH AFRICA: UB40

compared to:

AUSTRALIA: Blue King Brown (who?) Ghostwriters (who?) Missy Higgins (whine) Sneaky Sound System (One Trick Ponies) Toni Collette (stick to movies) Jack Johnson (yawn, unless you can sneak a pile of dope in with you) Wolfmother (you wouldnt be playing if this concert was 18 months ago, it would be JET, testamant to the attention span of Australian Music goers), and Crowded House (yeah ok)

What is wrong with this picture?? Oh right, there are no stand out amazing performers, what a snooze fest.. how many times do you have to hear Eskimo Joe sing "black fingernails red wine" before you give yourself a lobotomy with the first available pointy object.

If the concert organisers had half a brain they'd get together a line-up that would rival the world, and unite everyone into going to this poseur concert, instead of just the 'indierock environmentally sound hippies'

Why cant we have: INXS, ACDC, Noiseworks, Kylie Minogue, Silverchair, Midnite Oil (they've only been singing about the environment their whole lives) Cold Chisel, Icehouse, Olivia Newton John...

Yeah some of these bands are daggy, and some of their band members are technically dead, but surely we could push past those insignificant nuances... That is a lineup that defines australian music. And I would have lined up for tickets to see that, rather than some "forget them in 5 minute" nobodies.


Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Celebrity Crush.. 20 years too late.

Recently thru the access of Foxtel, I have had days where nothing was on, so I watched for the first time some Stallone classics, namely 'Rocky' and 'Rambo'. It's pretty pathetic that one can get to the age of 27 and not seen either of these classics, but in my defense I thought they were stupid man-movies that would bore the pants off me.. well they did get the pants off me.

Who would have thought that Stallone was such a bonafide HUNK back in the day?? He's so ripped, and sweaty, and manly (he sews himself up after he falls off a cliff onto pointy rocks!! - that's hot)

There just aren't enough macho men in films these days for my liking, they're all woosy and preppy and would never be covered in blood and grit. You just never see muscle men jumping out of helicopters, finding ratty old blankets, tearing off strips to use as a headband *to keep your long locks out of your eyes* and walking around shirtless enough these days.

Brandishing Nuclear Weapons whilst flexing your lovely toned upper arm muscles - HOT
Ripping a bullet out of your flesh with your bare hands - HOT
Running around in army pants and no shirt - HOT
Practising your boxing technique in a refrigerated warehouse on cow carcuses - HOT
Living in a shitbox apartment and going for daily jogs in a a matching two-piece tracksuit - HOT
Having back muscles on top of your back muscles - HOT
Having perpetual black eyes, bruises and facial lacerations - HOT

mmmmmm Stallone *circa 1982* Stallone today is just tragic and turns my vagina to stone.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Fleas......

You know what fucking sucks?
Fleas.
What sucks even more is finding a flea on your cat, then the realisation that you are sleeping in a flea infested cesspool of disgustingness...
Where does an indoor cat get fleas from anyway? Did a flea hitchhike home on me one day? A rare breed of The Darlinghurst Flea?? that's a long way to travel... That's one fiesty flea. Or maybe pooky is cheating and rather than bringing home burning dick disease he brought home fleas??? Perplexing.

As you can tell Lenman really loves having a fleabath... who wouldn't?? Although by the look on his face we not only exorcised the fleas, we also reincarnated the devil..

These are the fleas we vanquished. Die Fuckers Die.
I have been itchy all weekend, and even though everything we own has been burnt, thrown out, and doused in flea shampoo... I really think they're still there. waiting.. and watching...


And while we were vanquishing the flea spawn we found this guy:

wtf? is this the dustist flea ever? Like a trooper though, Dusty lasted a good fight against the mop handle and went back into his dusty cave, hopefully to never return, No Offense dusty, but I hate you. Nothing personal, you just creep me out and make me want to sleep on the stairs in the rain to not be near you.

So yeah, Fleas, Tarantulas, am I living in the fricken Amazon??

Thursday, June 14, 2007

how to Not win friends Nor influence people

I like to bring my lunch to work from home, namely a large lunchbox full of unidentifiable leftovers, what can I say?? i'm stingey. One of my prerequisites for taking this job, was that they supplied a) posteurpedic chairs, and b) a microwave for nuking said leftovers..


Apparently my novelty lunchbox isn't going down as well as i'd hoped...


The concensus is that its "pretty gay"... "pretty hideous"... "that only some idiot with a pea for a brain would own that, let alone bring it to work"....

To be honest.. I just really like Spongebob... and I didn't want my leftovers slushing all over my bag. Is this it for me?!! Am I already ousted from the social group?!!? to be a social pariah because of my blindsighted daggyness and stupidity at bringing such a hideous lunchbox to work??!#@

DO I GET A SECOND CHANCE??

Do Prada make lunchboxes??

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

My Bladder....

I don't know if I have some sort of Pavlov's Dog syndrome, but being near certain inatimate objects, makes my bladder go from "will need to pee soon".. to "pee running down my leg"

for instance: Keys.. if I get my keys out of my handbag on the way home from work its like a magic remote control contacts my bladder and it says "heyyyy I really need to pee... like now"

Sometimes I don't even have to go that badly, and I make my way to the loos with ease, BUT if I happen to be wearing a belt, that day I will need to struggle with my belt whilst my bladder has serious issues.

wtf is the go with that?

When I finally do get home of a night, its like a marthon olympics sprint thru the house to the bathroom, my iPod gets thrown on the kitchen floor, my jacket and pants get trampled off as I stuggle to make it in time... i'm not one for athletics, but I could win a 100m sprint if it was 6.30, it was nighttime, and I had my keys in my hand, and I was walking up the stairs to my house.

But it wasn't always like this...... my scariest moment happened when I was 25, when I kinda sorta didnt make it home in time, and needed to throw a certain pair of underpants out.. Is this some sort of bladder secret that is societys dark mark? Are we all like this??

Or is it just me? Me and my stupid bladder with an obsession for Keys?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Keep Your Guitar Sounds to Yerself!!

One problem with an open plan office, is when people of differing tastes put on their radios. I am all for music in the workplace, but I truly think that there needs to be some sort of group concensus on what station one is forced to listen to for 8 hours a day.

THE RADIO QUESTIONAIRE:
Creedance Clearwater? Good or Bad?
Cannibal Corpse? Good or Bad?
Michael Buble? Should be shot?
Rhianna? Overrated?
All Music that is on the MY GIRL soundtrack? Does your head in??

And while we're at it, we should have some guidlines as to what sort of Musical Interaction is acceptable:

ACCEPTABLE RADIO LISTENING BEHAVIOURS:
Silent Headbobbing - acceptable
Singing random parts - acceptable
Singing every song - unacceptable
Singing every song in a high-pitched trying to be silent voice - totally unacceptable
Tapping of pens to drumbeats - acceptable (one song per day)
Tapping of pens and smacking all items in the vaccinity to make a large drumkit - unacceptable
Only singing the guitar riffs - unacceptable

So yeah... the next time someone sings along to Phil Collins *and does their own back-ups* they are getting a staple to the head? understood?!! excellent.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Plutonium Rocks

Over this lazy long weekend, I have been using what resources I have available to me for entertainment, and food... Enter: Foxtel Documentaries and Mouldy Cheese and Crackers. It's like a swimming pool outside, and I didn't want to leave the house lest I get blown away, drowned, or frozen to death.

Ever since getting Foxtel installed, I feel I have become at least 2% smarter... I am now also that girl known as "the chick who won't stop talking about plutonium"..

On my long weekend saturday I watched this amazing doco about Chernobyl, and Nuclear Reactors.. which by the way - totally kick ass, are environmentally friendly and more efficient than coal by miles , they only suck when idiots try to do a safety check at 2am and fuck up the core and cause a meltdown inflicting a radioactive cloud over the land killing hundreds of people instantaneously, and leaving a radioactive legacy to be carried on by the survivers children, and their childrens children...other than that they are totally awesome.

see I cant stop talking about Chernobyl.

Last night I was trying to get frisky in the sack, and kept bringing up Plutonium.. it's hard to get aroused when you're imagining nuclear fallout.. even when you try to invision a girl with 3 nuclear boobs, or a guy with nuclear nuts.

Nuclear Power!!! All the way baby.

Next up: The Aryan Brotherhood. HH 88.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Free Fruit ??

Today on the way to work I was handed a bag with a Kiwi Fruit in it.....
wtf?
On closer inspection it had not only a strange kiwi fruit that looks like it was sewn together at the top, but it had its own brochure, and kiwi-fruit knife.
This just seems excessive.... do you really want to be eating fruit that albeit has heaps of fibre in it for keeping you 'smooth'.. that needs its own specially knife/spoon "Koon" ?? "Spife" ??
It's just weird.
Dont go handing our free fruit in public places, I am paranoid enough, giving away food that doesnt have safety packaging just freaks me out.. and if we're giving away free fruit, can we give away fruit that isnt so bizarre?
I had a friend who once tried to have sex with a kiwi fruit (kinkeh) and the acids almost burned her flaps off.
Not that i'm saying i'd be having sex with the free kiwi fruit, but give away something not so acidic and sexually appealing. But if we're giving away fruit, give away stuff that people can have fun with of a morning.
Rockmelons - good for harbouring bombs.. come to think of it, they even look like bombs.
Bananas - too sexual
Grapes - good for throwing at peoples heads on crowded trains
That strange pink fruit that looks like an Alien - good for bursting out of your chest in public pretending to be birthing a creature from your lungs.
Peaches - disgusting hairy fruit to be catapulted at school children.. seriously, Peaches are the gayest fruit out there.. you just breathe on it and they bruise.. too sensitive for my liking.
Rambling Much..
In conclustion: Free Fruit is weird, if you must give it away thou, give away free Kit Kats instead... Or Pineapples.. Pineapples are awesome *but again too acidic to have sex with*

Friday, June 01, 2007

References

A good reference can change your life, it can get you a job, it has the power to make or unmake a happy future. Everyone has their staple work references on their resumes, the peeps who you trust to go "yeah, she's a good worker, reliable, honest, punctual".. will say all the stuff that future employers need to hear...

What about other references ??. I have a lot of skills that are pretty good, and people have commented on, I am considering adding these to my resume the next time the Looking for a New Job bug bites.

Cuppa Tea Reference - Tim the Film Director, he liked my tea. Russian Caravan is my speciality, although I have been commented on my Irish Breakfast... its always the biccies though that make the experience a memorable one.

Making Pants Look Better Reference - i've been told I have a good ass in jeans... hence pants look better when I wear them. In your face coathangers.

Placating Idiots Reference - I am good at pretending to care about what idiots are talking about when they ramble on for hours... Just ask any idiot out there.

Getting Away with Shit Reference - for this you'd have to call some of my dearest friends, as they could definitely vouch that I manage to get away with naughty shit all the time.. I'm sneaky and I like to be bad...

Bong Skills Reference - Back in the stoner days, my bong making skills were pretty legendary, the secret is to use an orchy bottle and use a lighter to melt the plastic just enough, then shove the hose thru (stolen from a church - the naughtier the hose, the higher you'll get).. and seal it up with some blu-tac.

Freakishly Strong Reference - anyone who has ever moved furniture with me can vouch for my freakish strength when it comes to lifting a couch up 6 flights of stairs, to be fair, couches are mostly foam.. but what about a bookcase made entirely of wood (unable to be disassembled) thats some heavy shit.. I guess when you only do anything strenuous every 3 - 4 years you have a lot of reserved energy built up.

Craft Skills Reference - Anyone who has ever been the recipient of one of my 'craft presents' can vouch for my outstanding abilities to transform a champagne glass into a magical wonderland by use of a pack of dinosaur stickers.

Ability to Break The Ice Reference - you could ask these guys i'm working with, on my last day I broke the ice at a quiet lunch eating a communal lebanese feast, by regalling people of the tale when I ate so much tabouli I almost died.. in year 10 friends of mine had made tabouli during Food Tech, and I loooove tabouli, so I ate about four lunchboxes full.. then next day I couldnt keep my sphincter closed for longer than 10 mins.. was taken to the doctors.. probed anally to see if I had an exploding appendix... turned out I just ate too much parsley... kinda disgusting lunchtime story, but it was relevant considering all the tabouli on the table and this is my last day anyway. Fuck em if they dont like my stories.

and to be honest, these are the skills that get me thru life... computer skills, PAH!! i'm only so good on a computer because I spend 9 hours a day on MSN chatting to my bestie so my typing speed is thru the roof. And i'm not punctual. So there.