Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Position Vacant - Wank Studios

Position Available for a slave/robot.
Must have no feelings.
Must be able to see thru walls to see if the kitchen is dirty.
Must be able to sense if the dishwasher needs turning on/emptying
Must be able to break into locked rooms without keys.
Must be able to read minds.
Must be able to sense when the humidity in the air drops and to refill the oil burners to avoid an evaporation.
Must be ok with being called "hey you" and only be spoken to when someone needs a courier, petty cash, or you to book a taxi.
Must be ok with touching toilet seats and putting them down. No Germophobes.
Must like music and enjoy listening to shitty tracks the composers write and pretending they are good.
And finally, must be able to handle scooping out soggy tofu and rice out of the sink with no gloves. That's right... bare hands.. imagine that texture would ya!
People with brains, ambitions, standards need not apply.
FYI - this job is technically a dishpig role.. get used to it.

Some chick showed up today to interview for my job... she had on a short skirt and some seriously bruised legs.. mmmm bruises.. classy... if she's a crackwhore at least she will be numbed to the mental pain of working in this place.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

F#$! You and your Latte's

Coffee drinkers are wankers.
Cappucino, Lattes, Flat Whites, Piccolo Latte, ..... THEY'RE ALL THE SAME THING!!!! But in different cups.

One of the duties at my job is to make coffee's for the clients when they come in, if the assistant is busy, now I personally don't drink coffee, and have never been near a coffee machine in my life until 5 days ago.... soooooooooooooo Loud... CHCHCHCHCHCHCH

Such a punish.

I have newfound respect for peeps who work in coffee shops.....

"I'll have a de-caf, skim milk, half-latte"

Die Wanker.

I went to Kirribilli Markets in the hopes of finding a shirt that says "Fuck you and your Latte's biatch"... but all I found was an old lady purse and a pink belt for $4....

What's wrong with a cuppa tea and some biscuits?? If there is one thing that my colonic lady taught me is that, your colon and coffee don't a friendship make.

Ahhh whatever, if you want to take 20 shits a day, that's your call... just know that when you ask me to make you a double-shot espresso, I am picturing you and the ensuring craps that will follow henceforth.

Coffee Shmoffee.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Hugs to Da North Side Bags Yo!

There just aren't enough "gangs" in Sydney. I'm all for gangs (not guns and killing and hatred).. but feeling like a part of something, united by proximity, and gang-wear. Thus I have devised the following ways to unite us.

North Side Bags - "wat uuuuup"
Easily recognised by their displaying their gang-wear : North Side Bags
Modelling the NSB range of North Side Bags.

East Side Rags
Peeps living in the Inner-City in their trendy Rags.. pretty easy to spot...
South Side Fags

Turned up Collars.
West Side Dags
Formal Tracksuits

Anyone who wants to join me in a bit of low-key hostility towards the Eastside Rags, let me know and i'll post you a North Side Bag...

"wat uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup"

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Keepin It Real

What is more real, than walking to work and seeing a tranny in floral hotpants crossing the road??? The only thing more real than that, might be witnessing a crackwhore blowing a guy for a hit, or a junky OD'ing in a gutter.

Redfern Rocks.

PLUS I have it on good authority, that The Criminals who used to haunt Redfern, have all moved to other suburbs and have started robbing them.. so Redfern is just a nice leafy community where a tranny can strut her stuff before 9am with a gentle breeze on a freshly shaved nusack.

Life is Grand..

Monday, May 21, 2007

Own it Ho!

What is wrong with Britney Spears?? Honestly... whatever little faith I had in her has drizzled away in this latest picture:

Nice crackwhore extensions.

I truly thought that her shaving her head was some sort of pivotal move, and that she would be owning her shaved head all over town.. but alas.. we were treated to her range of skanky wigs and hats..

At least Natalie Portman has the balls to own her shaved head.

You really let the team down Britney.

Team Ho: 0
Team Brains: 1

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Friday Night WooHoo-ing

I loove going out on Friday nights, even though during my recent 'sabbatical' Friday's have no meanings cos everyday morphs into the same day. It could be a wednesday night and i'd be running out the door with a crackpipe and some knee-high boots to stand on a corner giving men the leery eye.. why?? cos weekends don't mean shit when you don't have a job.

Now that I do have a job to start next week, I saw it fit to go out and celebrate the end of my days of uselessness (which luckily coincided with a friends birthday/housewarming)

Party Thoughts:

To be a stella DJ these days, there is pretty specific formula, and I'm quite certain I have it figured out; Play: Michael Jackson, Blondie, Daft Punk on rotation and the dancefloor will never be empty. Is it just me? or is the anthem of our generation THRILLER?? everytime that song comes on, I can't help but do my "zombie hands" dance move.. move over 'Khe Sahn' there is a new tragic theme song to be played incessantly till your ears bleed.

Is there anything cooler than being picked up in a coach (!!) to be taken to a s(wank) bar in Darling Harbour? I think not.. although I did feel as though we should be putting the coach to good use and driving to say; Club Troppo in Gosford, as opposed to 5 minutes over the bridge.. It's great having rich friends. It was a fairly rockstar moment.

Why is everyone moving to Brisbane?? we need you here in Sydney. Bitches.

Why is my camera still broken? *cough laziness cough* I can't descibe in words how much difference a bit of blow-dry does for a lank fringe (I have no time for fringe upkeep)... It truly transcended me to new levels of hotness.

And finally - Bouncers... What the fuck? If I had to rate people by their job and the scale on which I hate them, Bouncers are truly at the top of this list.. Typically a fight broke out at the Swank Bar (probably over which guy got to buy the last bottle of champagne - fags) friends did their best to break it up and about 2 mins after it had fizzled some idiot Bouncer goes slamming past me stomping on my foot so he could get in on the pounding action. Dork.

Sooo glad to be back in The Land of The Friday.. so much better than the Land of The Saturday... more recovery time.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

New Job.. New Threads

One of the best (worst?) things about starting a new job, besides being the stinkin NEW person who everyone judges within the first 5 seconds of meeting you.. is what to wear in that first week... this is a new job where I will definitely need new clothes, shoes, and some sort of Panic Button when i'm running away from all the rapists through the park.

Clothes - seen as how its in the music industry, i feel I should gay it up and start wearing instrument paraphenalia around.. guitar earrings, maybe get some fake treble clef tattoos, ripped jeans and some fishnet stocking tops to hang my pierced nipples out of.. or would that be too much??

Shoes - the place i'm working is in one of those 'dodgy' areas.. although everyone says it's on the good side of that area. any suburb that gets described as having a 'good side' cant be all that safe... so I will definitely be investing in some sneakers so I can run through the park to the train station after work.. here's what will happen.. eventually everyone will cotton on to my fear of walking the streets outside the building and witness me running my ass off to get through the park and start referring to me as 'ol lighning'...."must be quittin time.. there goes ol' lighning".. i've always wanted a cool work nickname.

Panic Buttons - in addition to my sneakers, I will also be investing in a panic button, some nunchucks, some pepper spray, an umbrella with a knife in the handle for stabbing would-be attackers, and perhaps some sort of cheap bodyguard labor from some 10 year olds with nothing better to do.

Safety First!!!!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

EMPLOYED !!!!!!!!!!!

huzzah..

so magic rocks, underpants, pants, shirts, magic cat-hairs DO NOT work... but getting lost and being all sweaty and gross DOES work.

The hiatus is over...
No more stinky TEMPING!!
No more "get That Temp to do it" said in front of me like i'm invisible......

On the other hand.... No More sleeping till noon
No more eating a whole block of cheese in my underpants
No more watching 18 episodes of FRIENDS in a row

I am now working in the MUSIC INDUSTRY..

woot!!!!!!!!!!

It's only a matter of time before THE STROGGLES are taking over the world.

Monday, May 14, 2007

The Sound of Chainsaws Singing

NANGGGGG NANG NANGGG NANNNNNNGGGGGGG

Mmmmmm nothing better than waking up to the sounds of Chainsaws.... unless it's the sounds of Blades being sharpened.

And whilst, its true, that my only plan today was to get up and blog about how much I hate chainsaws... that doesn't sway the fact that 7.30am is too early for chainsawing.

And what's with the need to chainsaw down all the trees?? MMmmm power-lines, natures eighth beauty.... Stupid Trees, Flowers, Birds... Power Lines are clearly way more pretty to look at..

NANNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG NANNNG NANNNNNGGGGGGGGG

Sunday, May 13, 2007

When only Pizza will do

Even if you do a shop and spend $129... you would think that you would have something to eat when you get home - drunk at 1am.

Unfortunately NONE of the following will hit the spot:

Strawberry Icecream (I wanted something warm)
Macaroni and Cheese (too much cooking)
Taco Shells (no mince to put inside them)
A packet of Anchovies (too packety)
A bowl of cereal (too milky)

So in the end, you try to recreate a pizza with ONE slice of bread... ONE slice of cheese, some leftover salami, and some garlic paste from a jar... Toasted... needless to say, I should have walked the extra mileage and got a real slice of pizza.

Sooooo unfulfilled...... wonder if I could wait the hour for some macaroni and cheese to cook???

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Detention

Really Mind Numbing "Detention" Tasks I Performed today:
Sorting Piles into Different Piles
Stamping about 2000 pages (this I can at least use for experience if I ever become a door bitch)
Creating Folders
Takings things out of folders to put in other folders
Making 465 copies and stapling said copies together.

Wtf?? Why did these people hire a temp?? Why not just get some detention morons. Save yourself $1000... a trained monkey could do what I did today... and $1000 could buy a LOT of bananas.

This mindless banal work harks back to my good ol' days of Detention.. actually I only ever had ONE real detention (on a saturday).. and my friends and I basically ran around the school, going thru lost and found, raiding the sick bay supplies and *angels voices* the Art Supply cupboard... best detention ever!! I think I walked out of there with about $400 worth of charcoal, pencils and drawing supplies.

And what is work really?? But a Never-Ending Detention....

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The Naked Temp

Whoa.... there are few scenarios where one is forced to get naked, and apparently Temping is one of those situations.

Today I was trapped inside the Worlds Biggest & Warmest Filing Cabinet in Existence.
Today I was filing crap, into crappy folders filled with crap.. Fun.
The place where the Stupid Filing Cabinet is, is in a room where the usual habitants "Oldius Ladius" apparently have evolved in such a way, that breathing and regulating your core body temperature has become redundant....

I got to a point where I was that hot, I actually started stripping... I was down to my undershirt about to rip it off and start filing in my naked splendor, when I thought "do I reallly want to be that crazy person they refer to as 'that naked temp"'.... No I did not.

Not on my second day anyway, perhaps if they put me in a pressure boiler on Friday I will definitely start nuding it up in the filing cabinet.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Temping - School Daze

This week I am temping at a school. I loved school; got to hang out with your friends everyday and smoke the weed, got to legitimately wear the sexy school-girl uniform...

Things I am 'learning' whilst working at a school..

1. There really is a Permanent Record... Yikes. Every little note you ever forged, saved for eternity.
2. Really organised anal peeps enroll their kids years in advanced, I seriously think i enrolled some zygotes today.. Enrollments for 2019!! Who thinks that far ahead??
3. There aren't enough bubblers when you leave school. Note to Government: More bubblers please.
4. Finishing at 3.20 is unreal... Note to Government: Put that in your IR laws.
5. School Canteens are cheap... why can't there be workplace canteens?? $1.20 for a salad sandwich!!! Note to workplaces: Get a clue.
6. The 'confiscated' office really is where all gangsters and ho's should be setting up shop. In fact I think someone should start a line of clothing called CONFISCATED, for the dirty whore wear every girl needs.
7. People who have $25,000 a year to spend on their kids education are rich, I think I need to layby me one of those little nerdo's running around the schoolyard.

This experience is definitely better than the last - for one thing, the first thing the nice lady showed me was where the loo's were.. Phew!

Task for tomorrow: Find out if they still have a cane, and how naughty you have to be to warrant a beating (sexual beating)..

Thursday, May 03, 2007

That's Karma Baby...

Today I went to the MIND BODY & SPIRIT show... in the hopes of seeing a psychic and having them tell me what's going to happen to me and cleanse my filthy chakras... Instead I brought some soap (spiritual soap) a rock (a magic rock) some edgy honey drink (edgy)... and was almost tricked into buying some reallllly lame jewellery cleaner.

The psychic was pretty cool, although I was all hopped up on my edgy honey drink that I would have agreed with anything she had to say "You're too sensitive" "damn right!!".. "you need to chill the fuck out" "I'm chillaxed baby"... Hopefully some of what she says rings true.. otherwise I just wasted $40 on some crazy old woman...

Now back to the Jewellery Cleaner.. this woman was amazing... long eyelashes, clean, neat, and she could get rid of any grime build-up you had on your silverware within minutes.. she did the 'crusty old vinnies silverware' trick several times and I was entranced... she really made me feel bad about my crusty silver necklace and grotsky ring.. I was too dirty to be in her presence.

But eventually I thought... do I really want to be one of those freaks who needs to go out and buy crappy silverware just to show people how awesome the magic cleaner board is??? and make my friends come over and clean their jewellery for them?? do I really want to be that person?? I decided I did not.. One spiritual victory for me.

That's where the joy ended for my spiritual journey... what they don't tell you is that you shouldn't give these 'spiritual' show people 'tude.. cos they will put a curse on you, and you'll get a ticket on the way home on the bus (cunts)

Bad Karma Mistake 1# - the lady with the massaging seat stall, was all "do you want a free massage??" and I was all "hell no! that thing almost ripped my calf muscle off last time.. it is soooo painful" and she was like "no it's NOT!" then she uttered some curse under her breath at me.

Bad Karma Mistake 2# - the angry wench from the WSPA (animal cruelty peeps).. now I am all for animals, and I give money to charities.. but I fucking HATE wspa, because one of the volunteer freaks stalked me for about 2 months trying to get my credit card details so I could sign up for a lifetime of donations.... I like to spread the love, so committing to one charity isn't for me... anyway, this WSPA wench was like "do you like monkeys??" and i'm all "yes.. but one of you peeps stalked me once" and she's all "soooo?"... i'm pretty sure she cursed me too.

So when I got accosted by the jerk inspector on the bus on the way home, I got my comeuppance... I hate comeuppance.

But at least I have a magic rock, and the psychic said I have "the gift".. which I proved by telling some guy that his lost wedding ring is in his bathroom under the cabinet.. he was pretty stoked.. as it's been missing for 5 months.

So if I don't get any of the jobs I applied for (which I am ZEN about now) I am going to start a business called "I'll find your shit (dot com)" and use my "gift" to magically located lost items.. costs a buck... and if I was wrong, hey at least you're only out a buck.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Check me out Y'all... - Update: Meh

If you have ever wanted to see yours truly in the flesh, the ABC have produced a story about bloggers and gayspace geeks.... and apparently my opinion and writing styles warrant some merit in that field.

Woooot!!!

The story will go to air this Friday at 11.30pm (when alll the cool peeps are home).. on the JTV program....

So watch and see how entrancing I am in real life... well thru a tv screen.... why is it that when you hear yourself you sound like The Nanny??? HAAAAAAAAAA... Fran Dresher rocks.


UPDATE: well that was ....lame....I could eat a canister of film and poop out something with more substance.

Alarms.... fuck em

Alarms are never good. They pretty much signal something bad is happening or about to happen.
Fire Alarms, Alarm Clocks.... and my most hated of all alarms.. SECURITY ALARMS.

A recount of last night.

10pm: WEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOO WEEEEEEEOOOOOOOO
11pm: WEEEEEEOOOOOOO WEEEEOOOOOOO
12am: WEEEEEEOOOOOOOWEEEEEEOOOOOOO
1am: WEEEEEEOOOOOOO WEEEEEOOOOOO
2am: WEEEEEOOOOOOO WEEEEEOOOOOOO

At first I was like "Is that an alarm??".... Four hours later I was like "they better have stolen every fucking thing in that building"

Security Alarms are sooooooooo fucked... If a car alarm was going off out front of my house, the most I could do is ask the random person standing around the car if this is their car.... if they say yes.. well then they're not the stupidest criminals in history...

What good is an alarm that goes off for 5 hours?? There are no heroes anymore.. it's not like I hear an alarm then want to dash off and do a good deed. Fuck That..An alarm should do more than just be loud and obnoxious...

An alarm should come to life and beat the crap out of the criminals.. or vaporise their clothes and spray them with scarlet paint.. that would be more effective than WEEEEEOOOOOOO WEEEEEEOOOOOOOO for hours and hours and hours....