Sunday, April 29, 2007

The Interview which Suckeths

There are two types of job interviews.. The one that is really flowing and natural, and the person who is interviewing you sees you as a person and asks you questions to see if you would fit in and if you are right for the position.....

Then there is the interview with the 'form' of generic fucktard questions.... when I walk into an interview in which the 'form' makes an appearance, I am immediately on the defensive, and don't want the job anymore, and I like to fuck with thier heads, just so they realise how wank I think their interview styling is.

INT: OFFICE - Some Channel at Foxtel.
Interviewer: Hello, nice to meet you, this is just a first round of interviews, we'll just go through some questions then we'll see if you should come in for a second interview.
Angst Ridden Rach: Joy....
IV: So, tell me why do you want to be a PA
ARR: I don't...
IV: Well we really need someone who wants to be a PA
ARR: who in their right mind WANTS to be a PA, I am happy to be a PA, I have been a PA, but in the long term.. I have no interest in being a PA...
IV: So what experience do you have?
ARR: *sighing heavily* as it says on my resume in front of you, I have seven years experience in the film and tv industry... did you read it??
IV: What is your biggest weakness
ARR: Answering this stupid question
IV: Give me an example of a problem solving situation you've been in..
ARR: running out of toilet paper - mid crap - in someone elses house.
IV: Do you have any questions?
ARR: Can I go now? and please take me out of consideration for this position. K Bye.

Yeah I dont think i'll be hearing back from them anytime soon - anyway Foxtel is in Ryde, and fuck that for a joke travelling out there everyday.. the only good thing is that I might be able to buy Bulk Tampons from the SC Johnson factory..

I HATE those fucking stupid HR form questionaires!!!! If you need to use one of those forms you clearly have never interviewed someone for a job before.. what exactly are you going to learn from asking what someone's strengths and weaknesses are?? Do you want me to just do my lines from "giving a good interview" or do you want the truth??

Whatevs.

Anyway - 2 more interviews tomorrow.. and I have no idea what one of the jobs is... ooops.. I should really pay more attention... just no more lame forms please. Fuckers.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

The Ghost that Steals from Me

Ever since I was litle, I have had a ghost that steals things from me.. sometimes forever.. some things do show up eventually.

The first of these things to disappear was a Super Mario Bros watch when I was in Year 6.. gone - forever.

Throughout the rest of my life, shirts, jackets, earrings, shoes, CD's, books have all gone missing... sometimes I think I am going crazy, then I'm like "how could I lose a denim jacket??" Especially in the vacinity of one room??

Where have my things gone??

Will I be reunited at the gates of heaven with my loved ones and a big pile of crap?? "oh there's my garfield singlet! and my Kylie Moles Diary"

Last weekend I came home drunkety drunk, and the ghost had hidden my Engagement Ring!!! The Nerve!! I was snapping it badly.. Luckily it showed up (not in a place I remember putting it)..

Yikes.... If the ghost is stealing engagement rings, what's next?? My first born child??

Where are the Ghostbusters when you need them?

In other news I am cleansing my chakras.. weird hippy shit... hopefully to cleanse myself of the cloud of darkness that has been looming over me for the past few weeks... I hope they dont ask me to 'visualise' things.. I hate doing that... "visualise a white light" ... "i am visualising a giant bucket of KFC"... hopefully they can just spiritually vaccum the bad-vibes off me.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Things I am sick of Hearing

" We really enjoyed meeting you.... BUT"
"We think you're a really great person..... BUT"

You know, doing the whole rejection phone call would be a lot easier to palette if people didn't try and sugarcoat it by saying how "great" you are.. cos clearly, they don't think you're that great, otherwise they would be hiring you.

It's like the time some jerk broke up with me a day before my birthday saying he was 'moving overseas'.. when he in fact, wanted to move to Manly to be with his other girlfriend.

I aint stupid.

If I don't get a job soon, i'm going to have to do the only thing available to a woman in my position...and that is, have a baby... and call it "no other option"...

STINKS!!!!!!!

Note to God: One more week.. then i'm ovulating and I really dont want to have a kid out of desperation in needing to do something with my life, i'd rather have one cos i was really drunk and forgot to take the Pill.. the 'natural way'..

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

One Last Thing

This is the view from the office where my I just finished Temping...

yeah, not bad.. i'll give em that.

The only problem with being so high up, is that you see all the grotsky roof's of other buildings.. I never realised how rank a roof is... surely there is a company out there whose sole purpose is the beautifying of one's roof for when it's viewed from above.

Surely??

If not... there should be.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Trust No One

What's with those missing boat guys??? 3 guys?? missing!!! on a yacht!!! Something's fishy here (literally)...... I love a good conspiracy, hey, my ringtone is The X-Files theme...



My Theories.

1. UFO's.... how strange that their clothes, life-jackets and FOOD was still on the table, yet no-one was left on board....

2. Pirates... although the fact that they didnt steal anything quashes this theory.

3. Ghost Ship.. possibility, slim but possible. (in an X-Files universe)

4. If recent marine life attacks are anything to go by, my money is on a Sting Ray Attack... Possible X-Files Scenario: 3 stingrays jumped out of the water and harpooned them, as they were about to sit down to some dinner... dragged them underwater and took them to the city of AQUARAY to be their slaves and continue in the war against humans for Sting Ray domination.. If there were to happen at least we'd get to see Moulder in some budgie smugglers. Hot.

Got any other ideas??

FYI - I do hope they find these guys, I am just really perplexed as to how 3 full grown men disappear into thin air..... perplexed, and repectfully worried.

Monday, April 23, 2007

The Office for reals...

A song to define my time spent in this *HELL HOLE* (cough cough) "Office"
1. The Sounds of Silence...... Did someone just put a post-it on a piece of cotton-wool?? sounds like it.

"Where's that Package?"
"Dunno"
"It should be here"
"Yeah, I stole it.. took it home and sold those envelopes on the black market, that's what Temps do to get by these days.. steal other peoples mail.. just for the fun of it".

zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz

Ah..well... At least I got to leave early so I could go to a job interview... In which, I arrived, they said I was too qualified for the job I applied for and saw me for another one.. One in which I would ride a BUGGY around!!!!! (no... not on a golf course) and then my job interviewer drove me home.....

here's hoping my car-conversation skills tip me over the edge from the other applicants...

"so.... you like...... stuff...???"

Friday, April 20, 2007

Communal Peeing.. the code of the Temp

Day 2.

The Good

*The Killer View. From 18 stories up you can see to Mars practically.. unfortunately I never realised what a smoggy cesspool Sydney is.. I much prefer it on the ground when I am oblivious to this fact. Ignorance is Bliss.

*The drawer full of AA Batteries... Hellooooooooooo Jackpot.

*Access to PRICELINE in North Sydney... did I ever tell you my idea of bliss is choosing which conditioner and hair treatments to buy?? I could spend hourrrrrrrrs in the shampoo aisle. Fact.

The Bad
*Being Mimed At ....again... this time I was mimed at about how to put mail into the pigeon holes... What annoys me is the fact that I had already done this, and had only left out the ones for the peeps who didnt have pigeon holes... but clearly.. i'm the idiot for not knowing they go in the 'special place'.. At least now when I'm at a dodgy nightclub, I will have heaps better moves than the atypical "lawnmower", welcome to "cleaning out the dishwasher" and "pigeon holing"... sexy.

*Busting A Kidney. Nobody told me where the loo's were, so I sat there busting a kidney and getting some hideous urine infection, before I snapped and went stalking for the bathroom.. Finally I found someone who could help me and they had to 'Escort' me to the loo's.. and stood in there... whilst I peed... loudly...In an echoing bathroom.. mmmmmmmmm Bonding Experience.. Some peeps like to do the Bridgeclimb, I think hearing your co-workers urinating is a much better way to bond...Not.

*Faxing a 130 page document. Front and Back.. with the fax machine beeping at me saying it's having memory problems.. fun... Least I wont be there when the person at the other end rings up complaining about missing the last 80 pages... I was bored... so sue me.

STINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What would be worse?? Temping or working in a Sewerage Treament Place??

At least if I was working in a sewerage company sifting through turds and tampons, i'd probably be wearing a cool biohazard uniform, and be able to go "I had a shit day at work today... Literally"

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Temping Escapades

Chapter 1 - The one where the company had no idea that a temp was coming in.

Today I started my first ever job as a Temp, something to do in the interrim between finding a full time job, and earning some cash so I can support my fringe upkeep.

The building I work in is one of those massive skyscrapers, I have never been on the 18th floor, let alone ridden in a lift with a see-thru panel.. I almost up-chucked from vertigo.. And that wouldnt have been a great look, vomit all over my nice new 'professional pants'.

Things have been all downhill since the lift.

When I arrived, NOONE had any idea a temp was coming in, so when I said "i'm here to fill in reception" they just pointed at the desk in-front of me.
TEMP FACT 1 - people think you are blind and retarded.
Yes, thank you for pointing out the reception desk for me, had you not done so I would have stood outside trying to decipher telecommunication signals with my hands. Dicks.

Nobody came to tell me what to do, I had to figure out how to use the switchboard, with a minimum amount of accidental hang-ups. Did anyone have the access codes to log onto the computer?? ofcourse not. Why would you have pesky information like that when I should be able to hack into the computer myself.

I located a folder with some semi-useful information, like the person who does this job fulltime is supposed to 'get fruit' of a morning (but NO exotic fruit?? would plums fall into this category?) But without someone coming to tell me what specificially I should be doing aside from answering phones, I really had no idea.

After about 3 hours of sitting and staring, I was finally given a tour by some kind-hearted individual, who 'mimed' how to unpack the dishwasher for me.
TEMP FACT 2 - trust nothing to a stupid temp, specially unloading a common dishwasher.

After about 4 hours I had a spac attack, and said that I don't know what you expect from me, what exactly are you employing me for?? and could I get a little guidance because for all I know I should be making a decorative fan out of coloured post-its.

They 'allowed' me to get the mail... ooooh.. I wonder if that is considered a temp-promotion.

Gaysville. Oh well, they're essentially paying me to blog, MSN peeps and steal their batteries. Word Up.
Tomorrow can only get better - perhaps they'll mime how to 'fax' something
"patang patang patang.. ziiiiiiioooooooooooooo brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

My Traumatising Fringe Experience

When I was about 13 years old I met a boy at Macquarie Ice-Skating rink, this boy became my first 'boyfriend' although we never did anything except skate together, hold hands, and make phone calls... Then one day he dumped my ass. Why So??? because he HATED my haircut, and to be precise.. my Fringe.

On our last ever date we went to see 'Son In Law' at the George St Cinemas, he brought a 'friend' along.. a blonde.. called "Collette".. with bigger boobs than myself and a tan and hotness.. one who did not have a poxy fringe.

The last thing he said to me at the end of our date was "so.. when do you think your hair will grow back???".... thus begineth my insane months of growing my fringe out... wearing headbands to pull it back, and general hating everything because I felt so fugly.

Ever since then, I have been wary of hairdressers.. and put off going to a hairdresser for years, for the fear that they would fuck my hair up again and I would be left in the dating no-mans land...Horrifying.

I rate going to the dentist/proctologist/coroner, safer than going to a Hairdresser. Your life is in their hands.. If they ruin your hair, you have months laying ahead of you of 'loungeroom time' whilst you try to get your hair back to normal, and not being seen in public.

Recently, with all the trendoid stars out there working their bangs, I have had the urge to try and re-enter Fringe-Land... especially after seeing my girl crush Anne Hathaway in 'Devil wears Prada'.. and my all time fav bang wearer - Zooey Deschanel.

So yesterday I went to the hairdresser, gave them VERY explicit instructions about how stressed out I am about getting a fringe again, and showed her examples of how I want my hair to look...then to my distress the girl who was going to cut my hair, who apparently didnt speak english, stood there for all of 20 seconds and goes "yes we do a choppy chop and it look very nice"....ehhhh, the broken english isnt doing anything to dispell my fears.. infact I think I just broke the world record for the amount of sweat one persons armpits can produce.

I sat there in the chair, and she cut my fringe.. about an inch higher than what I would have liked. So I smiled as much as I could thru the fear, paid, avoided the urge to ring up and yell verbal abuse and egg them...and ran to the nearest Portmans to stare at myself like a maniac in their changeroom mirrors for about 10 mins, to try and gauge the level of fugliness I just put upon myself.

I brought some clips and I have been wearing it pinned back. I'm just not used to it yet.. and it didnt help that when I got up at 1am to pee and check to see if it had grown during the night, it had transformed itself into a giant KISS frightwig.


Traumatising..but I am over-reacting.. i'm sure it looks hot in a certain light.."the dark" to be precise. I'm sure when it grows to my eyelashes i'll be rocking my bangs all over town.. till then its off to eat some gelatin to help it grow quicker...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

We is Famous, bitches.


You know you've "made it" when you grace the society page of the Coffs Harbour local paper.

We definitely should have won the hottest bitches in the RSL award.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Thus Endeth the Sabbatical

I have work. Paid Work... woo hoo.. i'm not sure if that means my sabbatical is officially over, but it definitely means it's on hiatus.

I have never 'temped' before, but I shall begin my journey in the chase for the dollar, and do whatever it takes to pay my rent and afford my pricey cheese habit.

My first temping job starts this week, I wonder.. will I even have a name?? or just be referred to as "The Temp".. a nameless faceless interchangeable entity with someone who is more permanent than myself..

Will it be like having a substitute teacher at school?? after all this person doesn't know you, it might be fun to pretend to be 'Valery' with a twin sister called 'Mallory'.

I am looking forward to a work routine again, call me a sicko, but I would rather be going to a job than sitting on the couch marinating in my own stench, wearing a bathrobe and no underpants for days on end...(that is only exciting for the first 3 days).

But I will miss the Naps.. nothing beats a good Nap.

It might not be a dream job - like working in the Jim Henson workshop and molesting all the muppets, or finding a cure for mad-cow disease, or being a test-rat for rollercoasters and bubble-wrap... but at least I will have somewhere to wear my new 'job shoes' and I won't need a sugar-daddy anymore...

Wiinjured

In all my time playing video games, even when I hark back to the 80's, I never once sustained physical injuries from playing them.

That is until Wii came along.

I think I pulled a muscle, in my everywhere.. it hurts to move, it hurts to sleep, it definitely hurts just thinking about Wii-ing again.

Stupid Bowling game!!! Stupid Tennis game!!! Give me Super Mario Bros anyday, at least I know the greatest injury I could sustain is an arthritic thumb from hammering the 'jump' button for a few hours.

Owch.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Dibber Dobbers.com


I am considering opening up a website called dibberdobbers.com, a place where one can dob on people for being; jerks/tools/useless/naughty/reckless.

My first dibber dobber entry would be as follows:

I am dobbing in the cunts who parked in the spot outside my units, it is a park for ONE car, you ignoramous.... now I cant get thru without sparks flying when I drive past.

I am dobbing in the truck driver who drove in the overtaking lane.. that is illegal.

I am dobbing in the recruitment agency who didnt have the decency to give me a rejection phone call.

I am dobbing in Lenman for constantly standing on my head and putting his bum in my face when he wants me to get up and feed him..surely there is a better way to get your point across??

I am dobbing in the guy who used the weights machine at the gym and didnt use a towel. Gross, the last thing I want is your asscrack sweat-germs contaminating me.

I am dobbing in that fucking Magpie who was squarking outside my window at 4am, when I was really hungover and couldnt even move to get a pillow to put over my ears.

And finally I am dobbing in Mark, for getting so excited about his new Wii, that he smashed me in the elbow in a rather hectic game of 'virtual' baseball.

Got anyone to Dibber Dobber on yourself??? I'd like to hear it.

Friday, April 13, 2007

filling in the hours

This is the first time since leaving high-school, that I haven't been working.. and I was a little scared about what I would do to amuse myself, as it was all too easy to visualise the weeks stretching ahead of me lying on the couch, my biggest concern being to shower every few days and vaccum the crumbs out of my fat rolls.

Luckily!! I have been amusing myself with mundane tasks.

Organisation of the sock drawer - I dare any of you to find a more organised sock drawer.. not only did I fold them all up nicely, I went thru each and every sock finding its true friend.. Amusement Rating 2/10

Banging Holes in Walls - "hmmm i'm sure my lamp would look better if it was somehow mounted on the wall... let me just bang a huge hole in there.. oops whaddya know.. that doesn't work..." Amusement Rating 4/10

Shopping for different varieties of Cheese - do i want a smelly blue? an aging chedder? some holey jarlsberg?? so many options... Amusement Rating 9/10

This is what unemployment is all about people.. relishing in the time you have to buy cheese.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

" I don't"

Ever since getting engaged over a year ago, I have been putting off 'wedding duties' like the plague.... so whilst on my "sabbatical" (read: unemployment) I am using my time wisely and trying on really fugly wedding dresses.

The Venue: Vinnies
The Budget: Beyond Stingey
The Dresses:
The first dress I tried on was the best (see above photo) nice bows on the arms, very satiney, made lots of swooshy noises whilst walking.... albeit, I could not do this one up at the back and needed 'assistance' in getting out of it.


The second dress was a little better, nice princess waistline, and again, a zip that I could never do up in a billion years. I now understand why women get eating disorders before their weddings...

Overall, I am unsure weather it's even the right thing to get married in a poxy white wedding dress, after all, I haven't been virginal in a looooooong time (sorry god... shhhh don't tell anyone).

Next Up: the search for the perfect location - preferrably a volcano where I can sacrifice a virgin, and release some poisonous killer bee's (butterflies and doves are sooo cliche).

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I'm Bringin Dorky Back



Upon arrival at Coffs Harbour RSL for some much needed Pub Grub, it was to my astonishment to notice that we had arrived on the very first night of the KARAOKE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS - HEAT 1.

Hello!!!!!! Singing is totally my thing, I sing it up good when I'm cooking dinner each night, finally an opportunity to showcase my vocal skills and dance stying.

Pretty much every other contestant sucked. How unorginal to sing Alanis Morissette, or Wind Beneath My Wings (yawwwwwwwn)... I rocked the roof off with my rendition of Justin Timberlake "SEXY BACK" (get your sexy on.. I dont know the words.. but get your sexy on)... That was just my warm-up song. I set the house on fire with my rendition of 'SORRY' by Madonna.

Picture this: Me, speaking french, writhing on the ground with Madonna angst, moonwalking, Vogueing, I danced up a storm that at the end of my performance the MC said "and who says Coffs Harbour's got no talent".. which is ironic, because a) i have no talent. and b) i'm not from Coffs Harbour.

Alas I lost out to the Phillipino girl who sung some boring Mariah Carey song, and to some other girl who sang some bland country shit..

RIGGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 08, 2007

On The Road Again

Why is Easter such a huge gorge-fest?? Is the un-official slogan of Easter "Pig Out, it's what Jesus would have wanted" ??

Over this joyous long weekend I went on a roadtrip (read: hours of driving which pushes you to the edge of Insanity)

Ever sat for hours in a traffic Carpark?? And gone "it'd be quicker to get out and WALK!!!".. this was one of those occasions where that actually rings true...

It's funny what you do to amuse yourself in a traffic-jam... namely look through the map and find names of funny places and make up meanings for them.
Nerangybone - the bone in your back that gets sore after hours of driving and sitting in a traffic-jam.
Cumnock - heavy metal band, from Switzerland
Wang Wauk - 'having a really bad case of the wank wauk' ie: diareahh at a driver reviver site and almost throwing up from the stench in the communal toilet... something overly smelly.

Eventually, we arrived at our destination Coffs Harbour.
For a Big Banana, it's really not that big.. they should call it 'the large-ish banana that is lame'.

Up Next: The story of how I ROCKED THE ROOF off Coffs Harbour RSL, by entering the 'Karaoke World Championships'.


ROADTRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Bye Bye Stinkin Double Bay

Hooooooooooooooorahhhhhhhhhhh!
Today is my last day I will ever work in this psychotic suburb ever again.
Things I will not miss:
How people don't make eye-contact. Ever. A bit of humanity goes a long way. When you give me my change, or take my order and don't look at me, I think, Am I here? Do I exist? Who knows. Perhaps I am invisible in Double Bay.
The Bus, full of dero's and school kids, and one particular woman who smells like she bathes in Paprika.
The 'fire-escape'

My most loathed place in this stinkhole. At least it came in handy for waxing my legs the other day.

Most of all I will not miss THE FERRY, THE PARK, THE LONELINESS, THE QUIET, GETTING HOME IN THE DARK, GOING TO WOOLWORTHS EVERY DAY AND EATING A BLAND ROLL IN THE LANEWAY, AND THE CRAZY SHIT I DEAL WITH IN THE OFFICE EVERYDAY.

I was considering a big send-off for myself, like taking my chair and riding it to the wharf, setting it on fire, chucking it into the harbour, and having it be a place for Pelicans to perch on in Low Tide.

Alas I think my final salute will have to be something a little more subdued.

Farewell Stinktown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neighbour Wars - The Garbage Menace

My neighbours across the hall are on my ever growing list of Enemies. The last thing I want to see when I leave the house first thing in the morning, or come home to late at night is a pile of stinky garbage.

Keep your chicken carcass, used nappies, empty bottles, corn cobs in your own apartment please!!!!!!!!!

Last night upon walking up the flight of stairs to my unit, I was knocked over by the stench of hallway garbage.. PIGS!! I do what I do best.. I wrote them a note and stuck it on their door.

Dear Neighbours,
Do you mind not leaving a pile of festering garbage in the hallway.
It is disgusting.
If it is too difficult to walk down the stairs to the bins, might I suggest instigating a garbage chute.
Love, The Sanitation Police.


Later when I was coming home from the gym, I noticed that a) the garbage had been removed and b) they had replied to the note, and left it stuck on the door.

Reply: FUCK OFF!!! Fuck off with your sarcasm, this is the last thing I need after a long day at the Office.

Pffffffffft. Is that some sort of excuse to be a disgusting pig?? we all have jobs. that doesn't mean we don't take our garbage out.
It took all my self control not to knock on their door and throw some used pads and paddle-pop wrappers in their face.
Jerks.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Raaaaaain

There was a freak storm this morning on my walk to work.. JOY!! I had two options.

Option 1. Be all soggy and get pneumonia (the wet t-shirt in white was kinda sexy - but I dont want no double bay nobodies looking at my nipples.)
Option 2. Go to the Double Bay warehouse and go thru their $8 bin for some dry clothes.

Hot.. This so called skirt (belt) barely covers my cooch. But alas it was the only thing in my size in The Most Hideous Bargain Bin of All-Time. Sexy.

My only issue is that i've been wearing pants this whole week because shaving my legs is a most burdensome task, had I known I would getting The Pins out, I would have at least moisturised the hair down.

Stupid Rain.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Stuck in the Carpark with You


Well I don't know why I parked here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared and I just wanna get out.
And I'm standing here about to scream and shout,
Concrete to the left of me,
Security doors to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the carpark with you.
Yeah, so how many people do you know get trapped inside a security carpark?? you have to be pretty special to have that happen to you.
Escape Plan 1 - butter ourselves up and squeeze through the security grill and find help. Unfortunately we didnt have any butter, or canola oil in a spray can.
Escape Plan 2 - give up and camp out inside the carpark till rescue comes in the morning.
Escape Plan 3 - find the swiper thing on the pylon marked SWIPE FOR EXIT, and leave.
Lets never mention this again.

Monday, April 02, 2007

The Diary of David Hicks

Day 1 - Oops
Day 5 - yawn, this place is soo crampy, can't wait till I get an upgrade to a real cell.
Day 15 - it sure it taking a long time to get out of this shitbox
Day 60 - eghhhhh
Day 96 - it is exactly 462 pubes from one wall to the next.
Day 176 - perhaps I shall grow a beard
Day 287 - what's the point it's not like anyone notices anything I do in here
Day 417 - U-S-A is really Gay
Day 487 - Sucks
Day 511 - Still Sucks
Day 520 - Have come up with a new phase of sucking. Called The Guatanamo Suckfest...those in attendance = 1
Day 523 - Perhaps if I try to morph my molecules I can slip thru the crack in the ceiling
Day 687 - hmmm perhaps I wasn't concentrating enough
Day 875 - there is no way anything is fitting thru that crack
Day 919 - huh?? what's goin on?? that guy in the mirror is looking at me funny, I dont like it. Not One Bit.
Day 1373 - I think the guard is crackin onto me. I will grow greasey hair and put on some pounds. I have a wife. I will show these heathens I am not into that sort of thing.
Day 1578 - Apparently there might be a trial.. whatevs.. I'm of the opinion that they're going to leave me to rot inside this stinkin cell. The walls agree with me, but aren't speakin to me since I called them 'stinkin'
Day 1810 - aha! people have taken notice of my beard. That makes it worth it.
Day 1816 - guilty shmilty.. whatevs. I just wanna go home. I bet noone has been watering my zuchini garden
Day 1825 - success! note to self: never pose with guns again in the future.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

The Universe is Collecting

Ever feel like the Universe is totally fucking with you?? I must have some sort of universal karma thing happening.... Money this week has just been going missing, or should one say 'stolen' by the universe.

Case Point 1. The Mizone at the Gym... Money goes in.. Mizone comes out out. In Theory.. There is no worse feeling than despositing your money and waiting for the goods to drop.. and nothing. Stupid Machines Hating Me. I had to go to the desk like a fool and be that annoying person who needs the keys to the drink machine. Universe 1 - Me 0

Case Point 2. The Ferry Ticketing Machine at the Wharf... Again, money goes in, 'Processing' 'Approved' 'Printing' 'OUT OF SERVICE'.... so do I get my money back?? oh no.. I have to use a different machine and get another ticket, and wait for my bank statement to see if the transaction went through twice... ofcourse it did.. that will be a fun conversation with the Transport Infoline. Universe 2 - Me 0

Case Point 3. The unknowing Credit Card Transaction. Erghhh this one annoys me most of all.. I had my credit card registered on a website for a transaction I made a year ago.. then they put another one through automatically...A year later... In American Dollars. Needless to say, I dont need the service that I was charged for anymore.... Most distressing. Universe 3 - Me 0

I really cant afford anymore universal debt collecting. This reminds me of the time when I was in London and the ATM shortchanged me 20 Pounds.... seen as how I am the worlds biggest tightarse (of Costanza proportions) this made my blood boil.