Thursday, March 29, 2007

Would you..........


Would you rather be a ZOO Otter and face the boredom of your tank everyday? OR be a WILD Otter and face the possibility of being eaten by a shark everytime you go for a swim.

Pls Discuss.
I'm going with ZOO Otter, as I am lazy, and at least they feed you everyday and you dont have to fight off other Otters, and they will probably put some Otters in of the opposite sex for you to play with. Plus who wants to see your first-born Otter become shark-bait?? bags not.

Things Men Don't Get

Making you Cry is Bad. There is no point coming home and rambling and making a girl stress out about stupid shit, if you really had no point to make, except to yell and make her cry.

The cost of Awesomeness if Priceless. So what if a haircut costs almost two weeks rent. you can't put a price on looking uber-cool and feeling hot. Men think BRUISES look cool.. case point. they have no idea.

McDonalds is Happy Food. Nothing says healing like a Triple Cheeseburger, and Chocolate Thickshake. I don't care about calories right now. I will have plenty of time to lose weight when i'm homeless.

... Amongst the zillion of other things they do to screw with our minds.. men need training manuals when they get girlfriends "Crying Bad. Hugging Good"

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Nose Pimples

*SEINFELD MONOLOGUE*

Whats the Deal with Nose Pimples??
They really suck.
It is the most painful pimple in existence.
Yet you cant even see it...
They hurt even when a slight breeze goes past.
Does clearasil make pimple creme for "internal use"
How does your nose even get a pimple? It's not like i'm shoving Tim Tams up there??
I blame nose-hairs, what good are they?
Do you think that Rudolph just had a cracker of a pimple happening inside his red nose?? "Thanks for making a song up about my zit you heartless Reindeers".
And whats the Deal with Reindeers??

Monday, March 26, 2007

Irreplaceable

HA! I have been going thru the emails of the wannabe Me's, for my replacement at the job I resigned last week.

Hilarious.

Some people have no idea.. granted, I'm pretty retarded, but I would never ever put "organised year 12 formal" on my list of Experience on my resume, for a professional job.

Nor would I put 'Steddy Eddy' down as a reference.

As far as relevent experience I dont think "Data Entry and Filing fingerprints for the Local and Supreme court" is going to be useful when dealing with retarded actors, unless they happen to commit a crime on-set.

Not to judge, but spelling is an intregal factor when sending off an expression of interest for a job - hence this sentence should never have got past spellcheck: "attched is my comprehensiver resume"

And finally one should NEVER put down: Entertainer/Bartender - Perform dance routines. Unless you can type with your nipples and answer the phone with clenching butt-cheeks, your naked escapades should be put in that closet marked "skeletons" to be opened up never.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

We is Cultured, We is...

Me and my Ho went to see 'The Marriage of Figaro' at the Opera House on Sat night.. being avid Opera Fans, we were waiting in anticipation for many weeks before the big night.

Classyness Fact: All week i've been excited to finally hear all the tunes I know from LOONEY TUNES, mainly the one with the dancing frog who drives the old guy crazy.

It was much to my dismay, when I found that this particular frog is not IN The Marriage of Figaro.

Neither is this guy:

I love this Opera guy, when Bugs Bunny almost kills him by impersonating the Conductor. That's Gold Jerry. Gold.

The one part I was dying to see was the real 'Barbershop of Seville'
"Oh where do I get the wa-bbit"
"What would you want with a wa-bbit"

This scene is also played out from a different Opera.. I was beginning to think we'd been duped into buying 'the cheap seat' tix for a no-good Opera that we wouldn't be able to hum along to.

Nevertheless my Ho told me that the real Opera from the "Leggo's Authentico" commercial was definitely from this Opera... it wasn't.

Nevermind.. Good things about the Opera are feeling superior and classy in our 'Box Seats' towering over the scum below us, which gave us a nice view of the stage, and the Orchestral Pit.

Now. What's the Go with Conductors?? Do they go to Conductor School for seven years to learn how to wave a stick around?? I dance like that in my kitchen everynight, and no-one's paying me for the privelege... Note to self: Career Change may be in the near future.

Classyness Operatic Conversation:
Moi "wonder what that other concert place is in the other sail?"
Ho "I think its the big one where they have the Aus Idol finale"
Moi "cool"

We classed up the rest of the night by finding the 'cheap' bar, avoiding the exxy food, and I spent the second half thinking about if I would get a triple cheeseburger meal or just a cheeseburger and thickshake when the Opera was done.

*Triple Cheeseburger Meal won out.

The Opera Rules.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Late Night Poopies

*Warning. Poop Story.

I hate it when an 'unplanned poop' attacks you. You could be in the middle of David Jones (bad) or in the middle of Hyde Park (worse). But nothing is more unnerving than the unplanned late night poopies.

I woke up about 3am-ish.. stumbled in the dark to the loo, and then out of nowhere... Poop.

I was so not ready and I think my sphincter was asleep, cos it took forever.

Then afterwards I felt violated and really awake... pooping requires concentration, and at 3am I can barely make my way back to my bedroom without walking into a wall, let alone guide toilet paper to my bunghole.

Sucks.

Doncha Hate It When... A Country Song

Doncha hate it when, you go into your bosses office to resign, but she's all fucked up and crying cos she just found out that her brother is dying of cancer.

So you walk around her office and pretend that you were looking for paperclips, because to quit now would just be mean.......

So you drop little hints like 'i'm going for a job interview at lunchtime' and they still don't get it... so you show up for work an hour and a half late and blame it on the trains (even though you dont catch one).

So you think i'll just wait till Monday and then i'm gonna quit, cos I cant take it anymore, i'm gonna have to give out handies at Redfern station to pay my bills.

That's why Cancer sucks ass. Cancer Sucks Ass. Ohhhhh Yeahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!Cancerrrrrrrrrrr Suckssssssss Assssssssssssssss. *For many many many reasons.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I hate my Neighbours.. still

It had been a long day, and I arrived home with a severe case of grouchiness, I yelled at Mark, I yelled at the cat, I yelled at inanimate objects. I was pissed off! I needed to vent, so I decided to go to the gym. As I was walking to the car I see my neighbour waving at me "what now?" I think to myself "does she need to borrow something else?? perhaps my first born child?? and when will I be getting my potato peeler back mole"

She calls out to me "hey!! next time you're playing your music can you turn the bass down please"

It's at this moment when my inner rage-a-holic snaps and I consider throwing her to the ground and stabbing her with my keys.

"YES!! Not a PROBLEM!! DEFINITELY!! Next time i'll do that FOR SURE" If sarcasm could kill she would be dead and smouldering. Then I left her with some good old-fashioned death stares. Death Stares that would kill the undead.

Fucking Princess. Do I ask YOU to stop leaving your plants in the hallway to die a long and arduous death?? hmmm?? no I don't! I deal with it! Just like you should deal with my apparently 'too bassy' music I play when i'm cooking dinner. Everyone knows you need to add extra bass when you're cooking spicey meataballs.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

A Crowd of Nerds

It should come as no surprise that a crowd that goes to see Weird Al Yankovic would consist mainly of nerds (myself included).. what I didnt realise what a vast array of Nerds would be in attendance.

Weird Al is the forefather of The Stroggles music. I can only hope that my music is as good as his one day.

Back to the Nerds... did you know that "nerds, attract nerds... just like the guy with the girl with the crossword". Was I the only one who thought it was ironic when all the fat nerds got up and started dancing around singing the lyrics to 'I'm Fat, I'm Fat, Really Really Fat' Therin lies the genius of Weird Al's work.

Weird Al Nerds consisted of;
Fat Nerds - who got up every 10 mins to buy another packet of mini pringles.
Westie Nerds - who wore beanies and wife beaters, tigerprint dresses and drank VB like it was going out of fashion.
And the 'I'm the Biggest Weird Al Fan in The Room' Nerds - sorry but I didnt pay to hear you sing the words to every single song, nor did I come to have my head almost set on fire with your zippo lighter.

Speaking of Heads - they really need to have some sort of Giant Head Restriction:

If you're head takes up 3/4 of the stage, it's too big and you need to have some Dr 90210 reduction surgery.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Bridge..... rhymes with Fridge

Step right up, Step right up, come see the engineering splendour which is The Bridge

Made with 10 zillion tonnes of STEEL! and heaps of CONCRETE! come see the bridge that defies water. A bridge made by men. Manly Men. Men with chesthair who didnt wear pink.

Imagine, just imagine being able to see this Bridge in the flesh? what would one expect to pay for such an honour?? $3.50! that's right $3.50 and you can drive.over.the.bridge... perhaps even in your own car.

Like Bridges but Hate Walking?? for a lesser price of nothing, you can stand and stare at the bridge from the ground. Will there ever be a better deal than this?

Wait for it............. If you like walking, and you like bridges, you should join a sea of 75,000 lemmings and walk over a large piece of concrete joining two foreshores. Imagine the sights and sounds of a BRIDGE! see the rubber from burning tyres, smell the exhaust from trucks of a bygone era, look at the criminals they have caged inside the tollbooths.

Its a fantasy wonderland of Bridgetastic Bridgalicious Proportions.

If you are super keen on bridges and being ripped a new a-hole, then perhaps the Bridgeclimb is for you..Hundreds of Dollars. A dodgy Tracksuit... More Bridge than you can handle.

Bridges?? I just dont get it.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

One of the Good Ones

I never cry at weddings, mainly because the only weddings i've been to recently have all been Marks relatives, and in those instances i'm only there as an obligatory invite. Yesterday however was the wedding of my good friend Kylie, who i've been friends with since year 7.

I started crying just reading the booklet. Then when Kylie arrived looking beautiful, and the singer started singing Ava Maria (*sung by one of the contestants from the SBS show Operatunity) I got seriously misty eyed.

Kylies ceremony was in the school chapel where we went to school together at St Scholastica's College in Glebe, it's surreal because back in high-school we would do anything to get out of going to church, mooning the priests, rejigging the hymns we had to sing with Sonic The Hedgehog lyrics, getting detention, and playing truant. But it truly is the most breathtaking chapel i've ever been in.

They looked so happy, like Cake Decorations. After the ceremony I had a walk around my old school grounds. I remember things being bigger.

Onto the reception at Centennial Park where the party began. Food was delish, and we had to corner a waitress to see if there were anymore leftover Creme Brulee, for communal consumption (although you had to make a promise to keep your Hepatitis, Syphilis, Leprosy, and all other communicable diseases to yourself)

Music started, and we rocked the roof off The Kiosk dancefloor.

SEX ROBOTS... It was mentioned that is it indeed a generational thing where people our age always form a circle, and one person gets in the middle to show off their stylin moves. As such, my moment came up when Fat Boy Slim's 'Praise You' started playing.

My big issue with this wedding was what to get the happy couple?? they live together, own a house, have very nice things already.. I walked around David Jones looking for something grown up and fancy.. then I found this:

And I thought to myself.."what they don't have is a cat sitting on a toilet". So now they do. I am positive it will become a family heirloom further down the track.
PS. Its 'Art'
PPS. It wasn't cheap.

Friday, March 09, 2007

These Boots were made for Whoring


.... And that's just what they'll do.. and one of these days these boots are gonna whore all over you.....
Are you ready boots?? Start Whoring..De Ne Ne Ne Neh De Ne Ne Neh Neh.
For Tarjhay boots, they arent really that bad... although they are definitely inappropirately whorey for work, I feel like I should be walking the streets giving horny porsche drivers directions on how to get to the Cross City Tunnel.
Just call me 'Vivian'

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Seniors Week - Writing Competition

At my library in Woolahra I noticed a sign for a writing competition for seniors.. can they prove i'm not a senior? if they ask i'll just tell them that 'i wear my clothes inside out, i take 10 hours in the supermarket to choose which dishwashing liquid to buy, and i cant hear a word you're saying because i havent turned my hearing aid on'

Category: Celebration
Poem - must be 28 lines and legible.

Titled: Old
I'm Old.
I'm Bald.
I'm don't listen to a thing i'm Told.
I start cooking dinner at Noon.
I drink lots of Goon.
And i lost my watch in a Skin Fold.

Don't you wish you were me?
I need a telescope to see the TV.
I'm mostly blind,
My remote control I cannot find
I catch buses for free.
You'll have to sit in my Wee.

For Christmas I get Pity
For Birthdays its pain
My joints are my enemies
My best friends all slain.

My dentures need cleaning,
My carpets do too.
But what is the point.
When it's only just you?

My grandkids they hate me,
They think i'm a bore.
They would find me amusing.
When I fall over the floor.

Senility is great,
Its really a perk.
It means you'll still love me.
When I act like a jerk.

Monday, March 05, 2007

It makes sense when you're IN Target

When you enter the chainstore TARGET, its like entering a timewarp, a timewarp from 1989. And in a sense your mindset changes to adapt to the cheap bargains, and you find youself trying on really really awesomely bad stuff.

The first great/bad find of the day were 'demin' all-in-ones. Does it get better than this?? Yes. Yes it does. The only problem with the denim all-in-ones, is that you have to get nekkid to to go to the loo, and you really feel your name should end is 'azz' or 'lene'.. Rachazz or Raelene in my case.

The find of the day though, was a pair of Grey. Tiger Print. Stretchy-Pants. They were soooooooooo good! I really wanted to buy them, start smoking and buy a really crappy couch and one of these vaccums.

Then I would be livin the dream.

Overall, I left "Tarjhay" with a rather large bag full of crazy outfit choices, from my 1960's housewife dress, the polka dot sensation (me and my co-shopper got matching ones at that), a $3 hot pink shirt size XS (good for the inner ano), some zebra print shoes, and some slouchy whore boots.

Can't wait until the Stelllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa McCartney range goes on sale, yet it does depress me that it goes on sale on a Monday.

Although, I would make a suggestion to Tarjhay that if they are going to try and high-end their store, they might try removing the sign in the changeroom that reads "this changeroom is not a bathroom for your infant" seriously??.

If the people that shop there are using the changeroom as a urinal it might be time to up the ante and install some mood lighting, loud techno, and low ceilings.. those flurescent lights really do nothing to facilitate in the buying of clothes that look better with loud music playing, than they do in your bedroom in a cone of 'why did I buy these high-ankle pants' silence.

Friday, March 02, 2007

5 things to do with a Brick

I had a Market Research questionaire this morning, they rang me and asked me all about what types of painkillers I use and what for "excessive hangover pain" and "my ovaries are breaking free of my body pain".. then they asked me to name '5 things you can do with a brick, besides build a house' - apparently this is just a 'creative' question, and there were no wrong answers.

these were my answers.

1. Throw it at someone's head
2. Put it underneath some planks to make a shitty table on a balcony
3. Make a bookcase for a homeless person
4. Grind it up and make dirt
5. Put it behind the wheel of a car to stop it rolling down a hill.
5a. Build a Brick Snowman

I really don't know what that has to do with Painkillers?? maybe they just want to see if you are addicted to heroin and are completely whacked out?

What 5 things would YOU do with a brick?

Thursday, March 01, 2007

In the Army

One of the great, perhaps bad, things about catching PT of a morning, is the hours of thinkin time it allows. Often i think up something i feel is genius, then get to work and as time goes on, realise it was a fucking stupid idea.

Like my idea to join the Army for instance.

I'm pretty sick of being underpaid, exploited, not taken seriously for being a woman (thats what i blame it on anyway) and what better profession to be paid well, and treated with kickass respect than in the Army?

I wouldnt mind joining the Army if I didnt have to get up early, i could just type letters, join the band, do parades, look hot in my khaki pants and clean guns. Is that too much to ask?

But alas, I probably wouldnt survive one day of army training. For one, the world ceases to exist for me before 8am. Good luck getting me out of bed and polishing boots and folding blankets with a smile.

Maybe the Navy is less painful?

I'm just not good at regimented routine and being told what to do, i'd end up on potato peeling duties the whole time, and if i'm gonna be doing shit like that, I may as well keep working with stupid actors. Actors, Potato's.. no difference really.