Monday, January 29, 2007

Paradise - The Pitfalls

Chimes. I effing hate chimes. "ting ting bing bong clang ting" grrrrrrrrrr!!! Shut up stupid Chimes, chimes can only be tolerated between 10am - 5pm, at all other times chimes should be put in blenders and destroyed. "ting ting BRRRRRRRR CRUNCH" that is the only sounds of chimes i want to be hearing.

Ticking Clocks. TICK TICK TICK ......TICK............ TICK... SHUT UP!!! I wonder if westinghouse makes blenders specifically for destroying household items.

Alarms. I dont know who else but my mum who would think it a good idea to put on the alarm right outside the guest bedroom door and let it blast at full volume, and she cant even hear it from her room. but i can hear it. you bet your arse i can hear it. Death to all Alarms.

Scary Bogans. The Cairns Bogan, sponsored by XXXX, likes getting hammered, having a beard, being smelly, and showering in the water that runs off the drainpipes into the beer garden.

Nature Killers. It seems like every piece of nature up here wants to kill you. Irikanji Stingers in the water (cant swim in the beach, you'll get stung and die) Crocodiles (cant walk on the beach, you'll get eaten) Stinging Trees (trees that only exist to sting you and kill you) Water Holes to Drown at (rocks, rapids, currents, its like a scene out of The Time Machine (the original) with all the Eloi sitting on the rocks watching the girl drown. Fun.) Canetoads (not necessarily killers, but if you were inclined to lick one, you'd probably vomit and start hallucinating)

Damn it... have to go back to the Hammock to relax. And get some snuggling from the Neighbour Cat, whom I have named "Missy Burrito"..

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Paradise - Hammock 101

Step one to settling into Paradise is learning the Physics of The Hammock.

First you will want to maximise comfortability with cushions, and more cushions, I personally come from the school of thought that more than one person in a hammock is too many, occasionally you will have to share, and squabbling will ensue. My solution - get two hammocks.

After getting way comfy, the physics of 'swinging' in the hammock is the next task. Using one foot as a propellant works quite nicely.

Dangers of the hammock can include - overcomfortability (inability to get up and lose all interest in things non-hammock related), net-face (falling asleep in a hammock and getting netting pattern on your face) hammock-tan (falling asleep in the sun in a hammock, combined with net-face will end up in a warped uneven patchy tan....hot).

Overall, Hammocks - Good.. Chairs - Bad.

Next Lessons in Paradise: using the 'secret' trail to get to the waterfall, why its better to go barefoot when scrambling over rocks like a crab, playing axolotyl in murky water, stealing neighbourhood cats for pleasure and snuggling.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Eat My Dust

I'm off tomorrow, for a rendevous trip to Cairns (pronounced nasally CANS).

When i'm up there I will be on the lookout for Stingrays and Sharks, speaking of, as IF that story about the guy escaping from the jaws a Great White are true!! "yeah i just poked him in the eye and he let me go".. pffft wonder if that tactic works on rapists, as well as sharks.

Anyway, if they are giving him a TV deal for his heroic 'Shark Escape' story, then they'll be loving mine - Girl does Ninja Moves on an Army of Stingrays and lives to tell the tale....

I am soo looking forward to the humidity effect on my hair. Not. At the moment i look like Gloria Estefan on hard times, when i get into that moisture I will look like Monica in that episode of Friends when the group goes down to Florida.

Whilst up there, i will also be on the lookout for Matthew McConaughey for molesting purposes, he's been getting drunk and horny with every female in a 20km radius. I am so in with a chance.

Bogan Updates to follow. BTW its not pronounced 'Thongs', its 'Fongs'

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Skene-Spot

I think there should be a revolution. A revoltion against Ernst Grafenberg.

Alexander Skene was robbed! ROBBED!

Ernst Grafenberg is what we have our G Spot's named after, because he 'apparently' found it. HA!

Alexander Skene found the Skene Gland first, so I am reclaiming my G-Spot!

From now on i'm calling it my SKENE SPOT, or the SKENE ZONE, or PLACE OF SKENE...

Entrepreneur Idea #11863

Ever been walking past a building site? Sneaked a peak into an Alley and seen a tradey eating out of tin of Tuna?

I have.

INTRODUCING: TRADEY TUNA


Tuna for Tradesman.

Tradey Tuna comes complete with a Man-Fork, for eating in perilous alleyways, so you don't get fish juice all over your King Gee's.

Also, just like a fantail, when you peel off the lid, inside you will find measurement converters, and a puzzle:

"If the wall is 2 meters long and 80 diametres thick, how many bricks will you need?"

Does anyone have any contacts at John West??

Monday, January 22, 2007

Die Maxine

Maxine of 'Pizza Pizza Hater' fame.

Thanks Captain Obvious.

Her next useless rant should be about: how kids don't understand the true meaning of christmas, that people shouldn't hose down their driveways, that you should be able to citizens arrest people that start crossing when the man starts flashing red.

Die Maxine. Die Die Die.

FYI - I like Hot Cross Buns, Maxine you facist. Why should i be limited to their spicey goodness only 2 months a year?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

The Book of DJ Moses

And so, The Apostles were all chilling at Noah's Arc Bar, when "The Bethleham Boogie" started playing. Jesus was cutting up the rug... when out of nowhere Jebediah threw a lemon which smite Jesus' Robe.

Jesus got his security guards to throw out Jebediah, and the security guards told Jesus that if he was going to continue dancing to the hits of 'The Mary Immaculate Collection', that he would have to put his sandles back on.

God told Jebediah to stop throwing Lemons at his son, and that Jebediah was henceforth banned from Noah's Arc Bar.

The rest of the evening passed without incident, with everyone getting down to 'The Jesus Jive'

"Throw your hands in the air if you can turn water into wine"
"Throw your hands in the air if you can walk on water"
"Throw your hands in the air if you're the son of God"

Jesus partook in most of the Throwing of his Hands into the Air.

And so it shall be. God said, thou shalt not bring; lemons, nectarines, chicken wings, watermelons into any nightclubs from now on, for the throwing of such items, will result in a nasty stain upon ones robe.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Kaidan - A Westy Review

Last Night, I’s went out to the rooly nice Opera House. To see some Dance Thing . At first I was like "hell no, dancing is for The Gays", but I was convinced with the promise of cheap drinks.

(First, let me say $7 for a glass of champers is not cheap! I can buy a whole cask of wine for that at me local sporto’s! Moving On.)

When the performance started, I was kinda confused, because it looked like a cross between ‘The Ring’ and ‘What Lies Beneath’, and there was no dancing in that, so wtf was goin on??

Then some drumming started and that was pretty good. Woulda sounded better with some Metallica riffs or some Sepultura, but I suppose the flute playing bald dude was pretty good. (even though that was totally dubbed over, I know a dub when I hear it – he did mime playing the flute well though, so snaps for that)

When the ‘dancing’ started, I was a bit disappointed, it wasn’t really ‘dancing’ in the sense of like the Nutbush or nothin,.. looked to me like they was havin fits.

So they spazzed out heaps, and there were gays with red ribbons swirling them around which looked alright, as far as ribbon twirling goes.

There was a couple of scenes that was pretty good. One with a girl who was supposed to be an insect or somethin crawlin up a wall. I think she was in an insect? She didn’t have no antenae or nothin. Note: the wardrobe department. More antenae.

Overall, I think the Lord of the Spazz show needed some techno, with all those fully sick drum beats, it seemed a shame to waste em.

Oh and if they insist on havin the tv screens at the back, maybe they could like put some subtitles up there of what the characters are sayin, cos they werent saying nothin the whole time. Confusing.

Anyway, I think the show was about this chick that died, I dunno it was kinda confusing. Either way… ‘The Ring’ was better.

Famous

How hard is it really, to be become famous?? all you need is a hot body and some special skillz that seperate you from the rest of the wannabe's out there.

Last night my good friend Jo and I were comparing our sweet racks and skillz.

Racks. Apparently I have the better rack - it defies gravity. Wheres hers is still good mine are marginally better. Score: Rachel

Arses. Jo's arse is better than mine. Even though she says that's her 'problem' area.. i think she'd probably get thru to a semi-finals heat for Miss Arse Sydney. Score: Jo

The problem area for me is my wonky ear:

Which is just something i have learnt to deal with, even though it stopped me from becoming a professional supermodel.

So after much scientific groping and 'respects' to our hot-selves.. we thought - what are our skillz?

Playing Cyborgs, obviously.


That really was us in Terminator 2 - Judgement Day, playing those flying Cyborgs. Ask Anyone. Well if you're gonna ask anyone, Ask Rory.. he also goes by the name 'Batman' .. he'll vouch for us.

Farewell Sweet Mornings

CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG

The Roof, The Roof, The Roof has got Tradies on it.
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof has got Tradies on it.

We don't need no Gutters, let the motherfuckers Clog.
Clog motherfuckers. Clog.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. If its not fricken screaming children, or skateboarders, or moving vans, its Tradies on the roof clanging, and banging, and scraping and yelling.

Will I ever get to sleep past 5.30 again!! Ever?? It's killing me people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Player Haters

response in the Mosman Daily:


Thanks Maxine the Boring, but i don't need your pity. Specially seen as how you clearly never went to Pizza Pizza and therefore have no right to pass judgement.

What's it like to be named after a household yoguslavian toilet cleaner? Maxine?

It's bushfire season at the moment Maxine, so if i were you, i'd take some precautions by having that gigantic stick up your ass removed.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Rare Penis Monkey

This is an unfortunate picture

The Rare Penis Monkey.

Likes: dick, tropical climates, seinfeld.

Dislikes: pubic hairs poking him in the eye, smelly testical smell.

Thanks to the SMH for bringing me the story of the almost extinct Penis Monkey, i'll keep an eye out. (Sure they'll say that its perched on a thumb, but i know a dick when i see it)

Cute.

Shame they didnt have any pics of the Labia Monkey, but you'd have to have really droopy labia for that.

I'm with Stupid

A brief came across my desk yesterday, for a new US show they are producing called 'I'm With Stupid' - the premise, a guy with Cerebral Palsy, in a wheelchair, who was dropped off at a home with note stuck to his chest when he was kid, finds love, life and...... stuff. oh, and they need someone with cerebral palsy to play the lead. "needs a good sense of humour"

Sounds Awesome, and not at all disrespectful and mean.

I can see the first ep now: CPM (Cerebral Palsy Man) goes out to the home's pool and sinks to the bottom. Maybe Heather Locklear can become a permanant Special Guest Appearance as CPM's object of unrequited affection.

ah well... if they dont find someone soon .. this seems the obvious choice.

At least an Australian Idol can follow in Jennfier Hudson's footsteps to fame and fortune.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Golden Rehab Awards



Great Look Jeremy Irons.

I'm hoping rather than an award statue, this year they give out some soft cushy pillows, as this guy really looks like he could use a nice nap...Or a new Bong.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Nerdburgers

"Neighbours..... Everybody needs good Neighbours.. with a little understanding.. we can something something friennnnnnnnnnnds"

AS IF!! The last people on earth I would want to be friends with are my neighbours. At least being friends with the leader of a Taliban circuit would have some perks.. ie: knowing where not to be when the bombs go off.

My stupid cunthead neighbours had the gall to bang on my door at 11pm on a Saturday night telling me to turn the music down... 11pm.... Saturday.. Get a fucking life knobhead!!

Granted I was blasting the newly conceived Stroggles song.. and whilst The Stroggles might not be everyone's taste, i worked a good 45 mins on that song, and I needed to pump it out!!

I didnt answer the door, my reasoning being that i was alone, it was nighttime and it could be rapists, mormons, or even worse.. the nerds from downstairs.

I reckon the nerds from downstairs (TNFD) are originally from Melbourne, they have this naive, nice-ity about them, inviting us around for drinks when they first moved in (no thanks) leaving communal plants in the hallway (stole it), and thinking that its within neighbourly guidelines to tell me to 'keep it down'

Don't they realise what a surly bunch of meanies sydney folk are?? Dont talk to me, Don't invite me round for 'pally' drinks, Don't take out my recyling for me and expect a thank you High-Five.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Myspace Sluts

ahh Myspace, the thorn in my side, my secret addiction, my dirty secret... I worry about the 'kids' of today.. pretty soon we will have no need for streets. What need is there for streets, when streetwalkers have branched off into the digital age??

I give you: MYSPACE SLUTS

"ooh baby, i want a wii for christmas.. hopefully my mum remembers this year. she is such a bitch when she's telling me to get off the computer at night, but like, i tell her i'm studying for my HSC...how do you spell Orange?"


"i'm 19, i like adam sandler movies, and a big black cock up my ass. Hi Dad!!"


"i couldnt find any pictures of me with less clothes on, so i settled for one where i look like a man... i better pull this skirt down so you don't see my hangy nut sack, the QLD weather really is a trannies worst nightmare"

........ so...... this is what we're doing now?? getting our whore on and displaying it to the world ??... i wish i'd known.. next time i'm at the gyno, i'll get them to take some shots and use that as my profile pic, no point beating around the bush. I HAVE A VAGINA. Do you like the vagina? Perhaps if you add me as your friend and leave some witty comments i will show you my vagina.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Big Issues

Letter to The Mosman Daily.

I'm bringing reality to the people.

Not that anyone will get a chance to read it, as after learning that they published my stupid letter, i drove around looking for an issue to steal off my neighbours, couldn't find any, and ended up stealing a bundle of about 50 from a residential block of units.

At least now i'll have copies for the fridge, my wallet, the car, copies to send out in birthday cards, copies to flash around at restaurants "sorry we we're full" "what about NOW (flash copy)".

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Fings

Fuck Off Stabbers - I live in a nice little safety world on the North Shore, I aspire to be a Mosman Mum, I walk home and appreciate the wildlife, and I rarely feel the need to carry a whacking stick, when i'm stumbling home in the dark, to ward off attackers.

That is until now. Some jerk has stabbed and killed my Gelato Man. Can they not!!! If I wanted to live in a world where the Gelato Man getting stabbed is a normal thing, i'd move to Waterloo.

Apparently it was a former employee stabbing, rumous has it that they were having a Gelato War. The employee wanted to introduce a new flavour, like Spinach, or Brocolli, or Beef Jerky Gelato.. and the owner, apparently thought otherwise.

RIP GELATO MAN.

Post Christmas Work Feeding - Its hard to come back to work after being away and get into the routine of eating boring sambo's again. Which is why my lunch lately has consisted of: 6 slices of Swiss Cheese, a handful of nuts, one cold chicken wing, some edible chocolate tree decorations.

I'm still livin the dream.

FOX-Off's - It's a little known fact, that women are better at choosing what to watch on Foxtel, not once have I chosen to watch a movie called MAN-THING and then wanted scoop my eyeballs out with nail clippers.

To men, the relation between the Remote Control and a Vagina is very similar. They don't know what button to push to make something good happen. So instead we have to sit around for hours bored out of our brains whilst they try and make us believe that they have introduced us to a new untapped level of pleasure, wheres we have actually fallen asleep and are dreaming about raping Matthew McConaughey whilst he is in Australia filming Fools Gold in QLD.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Rachel's Pantomime School

Is you an Actor?
Is you been on Neighbours?
Is you wanting to work in London?

Then come to Rachel's Pantomime School, A School for Actors.

Learn the ancient art of being WIND "whooooosh"
or a Ghost "whooooooooooooo"



Extensive 10-Week course available now!!

TESTIMONLIALS:

"this course is fucking shit. Rachel is a criminal who took my money, locked me in a dungeon and beat me with a dildo for 10 weeks straight. Fuck this school" - Andy, got a 50-worder as a 'Tree' on Home and Away.

"rachels pantomime school changed my life, now whenever someone tells me to go fuck myself, I can make an artistic interpretation of that scene, and it blows them away" Jeremy, lives in the hope of playing Lynn Scully's stand-in.

"i was blown away, for like, $10,000, rachel told me to get a boob job, and give blow-jobs to the fugliest man in the casting room" - Kelly, currently doing a Pilot for FOX, starring alongside Stephen Dorff.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Off to a Flying Start

If there is one thing worse than the hype of NYE, it's the incessant banal questions that every single person feels the need to ask about it for the month following.

Last year I was well into February and I was still getting wished a 'Happy New Year'.... after January 2, it's unnecessary and stupid to mention it.

Resolutions are absolutely crap, but I have one this year that I am sticking to. I am cutting out all the toxic people out of my life. I don't feel I need to tolerate any bullshit from people anymore, when I have so many good people in my life. So if you get a feeling of being consistently barred, then wake up and smell the Asshole. It's you.

Other Resolutions that I won't be keeping are:
* to stop buying blankets. I have enough, but when I walk past a Mansours or the Quilting department of David Jones. It's all I can do stand and drool. Blankets are my vice.
* to remember to take my keys to work so I don't get locked out and have to sit on the steps getting piles whilst waiting for someone to let me in.
* to get more violent towards my fucked neighbours with the screaming child. Step One = Angry Letter. Step Two = Verbal Abuse. Step Three = Sniper Rifle through the window. Step Four = kidnapping and selling into slave labour of said screaming little shit.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Nyee Recap

Lets do the Timewarp Again.


Come On.. Vogue. Strike a pose. Let your body move to the Music.


Bootscooting in The Hat "hey, lets get some dirt out of the potplants and kick it around"


It's a Possum, Its a Cat, It's a Wallaby, Its a Bear..... ahh its just a possum. Almost killed us though.