Thursday, November 29, 2007

COD4 - A Girlfriends Review

Call of Duty 4 - Review through the eyes of a girlfriend.

Wow. Is this game annoyingly stupid and pathetic or what!!! The whole game revolves around shooting other nerds who are online, and not only do you do nothing except kill people, you can plug in a stupid headset and talk to these supernerds thru the interwebs.
If these sounds annoy you: BANG BANG BOOM CRASH TING TING BOOM BANG, then this game is seriously going to hinder your relationship with a significant other.
I have never wanted to use a game to polish gravel with more, than this useless piece of crap. Of course calling said game a stupid moronic useless peice of crap will ensue in more fighting and arguments - you're probably better off just not buying it at all if you want to stay together.
Death to Call of Duty 4. Hate Hate Hate It.
And how does it rate on the stab-o-meter? (the amount of people it makes me want to stab when I have to walk through the house listening to the banging and exploding and nerd noises emanating from my tv) HIGH. Very High.

Funny. Not Funny

I don't care what anyone says, I find Seinfeld funny, I love "didja ever notice" stuff. Upon watching his interview with Denton on enough rope, I found out that both Seinfeld and myself share something in common.

We search for something funny in the everyday, the mediocrity, the mundane, the landscape. However - most things aren't funny, and it is a testament to a person when they sift through the motions of life to find something humorous to share with someone else.

What is not funny? I learnt a lot about myself. Whilst sitting on a looooong busride back from Bondi I took in the world, I wanted to find at least something funny to make the trip not a complete waste of time.

Bins - not funny
Traffic lights - not funny
Exxy Retailers selling overpriced clothes - hilarious.
Idiot who get on bus then realise its the wrong bus - slightly funny
Obsessive lady who went through her mail on the bus - funny
Homeless guy stumbling around drunk and doing what looked like he was trying to put out a non-existant fire with his shoe - i think i actually made a laughing out loud noise at this spectacle

So what does that say about me? I find people with mental problems funny. I'm burning in hell for sure. Seinfeld and I would never do a show together. For one he is all about a clean act, and mine would be 80% swearing and 20% mocking people who need help.

At least I would get to wear sneakers and jeans.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My Legacy

What is a good way to be remembered when its all over? A good way for every living person weather they knew you or not to remember you by. I think the answer lies in Tea.

Pretty much everyone drinks Tea, most of the tea's of the day are named after someone important. How lovely would it be to sit down to a nice cup of 'Dying Star' Tea. mmmm

to be served with Honey, and Cynicism.


Sunday, November 25, 2007

Fred Niles. Boo You

Tis the morning after the election, and all through my house, noone knew who won the election, not even a mouse.

Voting Day was behind me, but I had in my possession a new leader that I helped rise to power, some books from the $1 book bin, and a pile of sausages inspired by the voting poll sausage sizzle.

The best thing about voting day for me is the $1 book bin and sausage sizzle, and the smell of school hall and noting how small the childhood world is through cynical adult eyes.Cynical? Moi?

My vote didn't start out too well considering the voting lady couldn't even find my name on the polling list. But we persisted and I walked to my booth with my green slip and white table-cloth.

What freak of nature has the time to number every single box under the line?Fred Niles on the green slip is just offensive. What if I wanted to celebrate the new leadership with an icecream and an abortion?

Upon walking out of the hall into the rain and the unknown but fairly guessable political future, I didn't bother to take any Mike Bailey pamphlets, I just voted for you buddy. High 5.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Can't Buy Me Love

One of my staunch belief's when it comes to Weddings is that I.Don't.Give.Money.

And when I recieve one of those hokey 'wishing well' poems with the invite, I throw them in the trash.

Why don't they come out and just say;

Rose are Red,
Violets are Blue.
Give us your Money.
Or don't bother showing up.

Erghhhhhhhhhhhh. Granted I totally understand why people ask for money, you don't need 2 Toasters, 15 lasagne dishes, 45 Platters, but if people actually know you - then they would not buy you these pedestrian gifts in the first place. I think its wrong to not even give people the option and grab for the cash immediately. And worst case scenario you did end up with 45 platters, well who doesn't want to be known as Platter Pete amongst close friends?

A wedding isn't a fundraiser. Are you pledging yourself to another person AND curing Diabetes on the side? no? well then accept the gift that I thoughtfully picked out for you. Who cares if it cost $3 from the markets, $200 from Swarofski, or if I tagged up a sandwhich bag and gave you a set of his and her North Side Bags.

I take pride in my present picking abilities, and I totally expect to recieve some dodgy gifts for my wedding, but I will still be reminded of that person when I use it. Because they went out and shopped for it and used their brain (maybe) and thought it would be an appropriate gift that we would appreciate. And for that, I am thankful.

Cash is lame. I am not afterall, Mr Krabs.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


One of the perks (depending on how you look at it) of having time off to recover from irritating surgery of the mouth is time spent on the couch watching 'Flavor of Love' marathons, Biography Channel, and E! 50 most scandalous on-set hookups... and the greatest thing of all, is having my brain reduced to such mush that I actually pay attention to the infomercials.

Wow. I have totally been wasting my life sitting around doing nothing, when I could have been out inventing the worlds stupidest CRAP and making a fortune. Much like the millionaire character from 'Garden State' who invented 'silent velcro' there are tonnes of these freaks out there inventing stuff that not only does society not need, but the garbage landfills that we throw this junk into doesn't need either.

The best (nee - worst) informercial for the worlds most useless crap I saw was for the Jump Snap.. it's a skipping rope, without the rope. Genius!! what sort of caveman wants to use a skipping rope that has an actual rope! only a moron would want that. This "computerised" rope, is not only easier to use than a rope (cos ropes require college degrees) but it comes programmed with the sound effects of a real rope (imagine being the sound technician that recorded that).

What a fantasticly stupendesly supercalafragelistically stupidly genius idea. But I ask, what good is a ropeless skipping rope for someone who wants to hang themself? or if you were trying to scale down a wall escaping from a fire. Or wanted to tie someone up and get kinky?? If this is signalling the end of the trusty rope, I will be very disappointed with society.

Also, how many types of 'new and improved can openers' does the world need? I admit, I'm no Einsten, but I always manage to open my cans of catfood without slicing my hand open, or spilling the contents all over the bench. Perhaps we should have more stringent standards for people who should be allowed to buy canned goods rather than the 'Can Opener 2000 XL'

Friday, November 16, 2007

Missing: Poos

Or perhaps just the ability to Poop.
Brown, normal size, odour.
Missing Poop Badly.
Please Call.

Where oh where has my poop gone??

The stupid Codeine has plugged up my bumhole something chronic. One week and 2 poos the whole time! yes yes I am obsessed with bodily functions. I am disgusting.

What Gives? I wonder what sort of pooing problem Ozzy Osbourne has considering he would be on the good prescription painkillers, wheres mine are just your everyday supermarket variety. No wonder he shakes so much, he is probably hasn't pooped since the 80's.

It's been 3 days.. What if my intestines explode?

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Election.. Its all Jibberish to me

I remember the first time I voted, I had turned 18 only a few days earlier, I had no idea who to vote for (I think I voted for Pauline Hanson just to be a jerk) and scribbled all over the rest cos I didn't know what I was doing.

These days nothing has changed much:

I admit, I have the worlds smallest attention span when it comes to news about Politics, and Debates, unless there are costume changes and back-up dancers during the debate, I tend to zone out.

I watch The Chaser for the skits, not the political bashing, they seem to hate both sides equally so they are no help in making me choose the right party.

I need a booklet called Voting for Dummies, something that outlines the actual policies that these parties stand for, the ads on tv are nothing but scare campaigns telling me why I shouldnt vote for the other guy, but gives me no reason why I should vote for you.

Even though I am an idiot, I do know who I will vote for in the theological sense, the party that best represents where I stand in the demographic of australian culture, but I couldnt tell you if they actually perpetuate what I stand for and support the things I care about.

I care about Public Transport, better Hospitals, better Roads, better Schools, Human Rights, Animal Rights, Libraries, goverment funding for the Arts, more stringent control over bad hairdressers, keeping the Dollar strong against foreign currencies, Reconcilliation, Witness Protection Programs.

I think they should do more Parades. Parades and Loudspeakers, that would get my attention.. and who doesnt love a parade?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Sand... Natures Practical Joke

Sand. How I loathe thee.. let me count the ways.

I hate how eating around sand is always ruined by an escapee running from the dune and into my lunch. CRUNCH!!!!!!!! Disgusting
I loathe the way you fill up my bikini pouch making me look like a rival of Ron Jeremy
I detest how you hitchkike home and end up in my bed, wrecking havoc on my dreams and invading my personal space.
I am not happy about how you get stuck in my ear and make sounds when i'm cleaning it out
I hate being stuck in a sandstorm and being bitchslapped by a million squillion little sand molecules all at the one time
Finally I hate sand, because it makes a squeaky sound when I walk on it with thongs on, and that sends shivers up my spiiii yiii yiiii yiii yiii yiii yiiiiii yiiiine.

*I'm on a lot of painkillers right now

Friday, November 09, 2007

Stinky Holes

This is me and my stinky holes.
I'm pretty.

Reasons why I will be a terrible anorexic

Not being allowed to eat has really shown me how much I rely on food to satisfy hunger, boredom, and impulse urges.

What really gets my goat is that people talk up all the jelly you can eat when your mouth is all fucked up.. oooh jelly.. whoop de friggen do.. I never eat jelly when my mouth is normal, cos its boring and cold and slimey, oh and yeah i'm not six years old.

I am so over jelly. I want food. I have been dreaming about food all day and night. I'm not even allowed soup! how inhumane is that!

mmm nachos
mmmm ribs
mmmm mashed potato and gravy
mmmm Cherry Ripes

wonder what blended up Nachos would taste like??

Thursday, November 08, 2007

The Drool Patrol

I had my wisdom teeth taken out this morning.

In the lead up to said operation all I have heard from various sources is: its gonna hurt heaps, its gonna be really effing painful, its gonna be the worst pain you have ever felt.

I was planning on escaping the dentist chair and running down to the park and hiding and dealing with the wisdom teeth impacting on my molars for the rest of my life.

Then they gave me the gas. Praise Gas. Where are my toes? I dont know.. You know whats hilarious?? fish, Miriam the transexual... amongst many other random things.

Even the crunching of teeth being removed and yanked out is hilarious. Crunch Crunch Crunch. Hahahaha. Disgusting.

Whilst in the chair I contemplated buying them chocolates, but thats probably the worst thing you can buy a dentist... what with cavities and all.

Now I can not even feel the blood drooling down my face, and mark has to follow me around as DROOL PATROL, is this what it feels like to be a drooling degenerate? in that case, I am all for it.

Blood. Blood everywhere. Anyone need someone to be an extra in a Zombie movie or a Vampire flick.. I have so much blood right now I could give you a transfusion just from drooling on you. awesome.


Sunday, November 04, 2007

The B List

Culling will send a person crazy, we're all culling, all the time, even if we don't know we're culling.
We're culling at the supermarket.. "Should I buy 3 chocolate bars? .. Hell No, are we millionaires? put 2 of those back."
We're culling our clothes in our wardrobe, "I havent worn that sweat stained top in 8 years." Cull it.
Culling books, not enough space on the shelf, culling makeup, do I really need 33 lipglosses?. Culling Culling Culling.

Culling people, isn't so fun, and it's done out of mediocrity.

I'll cull that person cos they didnt approve me on facebook.
I'll cull that person cos they didnt call me on my birthday.
I'll cull that person cos they made a joke about my hair.
I'l cull that person cos they'll say something offensive.
I'll cull that person because I havent spoken to them in years.
I'll cull that person cos their girlfriend has two-toned hair.

These are the bullshit excuses you need to come up with to cull people. What a crock. They're still all on the list.. Welcome to the B'List

I wonder for what reasons I have been culled.
Because I tell stupid jokes
Because I dance whenever I hear the slightest bit of music
Because I had PMS and went mental
Because I got really hammered and facedown in vomit in the Executive Bar Toilets
Because I said I'd meet up then forgot
Because I ruined the game

ahhhh the B'List... the list of people who you wanted to invite but didn't for reasons that seemed important at the time, but really don't matter in the scheme of things, because we are friends regardless.

One day we'll have a B'List party.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Gay Newsflash

I have a bit of a Newcastle background, this is where my parents are from, and their friends and so on.. so today I learnt on the "newcastle grapevine" that Natalie Imbruglia is pregnant with Daniels Johns' babies.. not only that.. she is having twins.
Wow. That's pretty impressive for a gay man.
Wonder if its true?
I wonder if what actually happened was Daniel was playing Naked Hide and Seek with Raging Boners with Paul Mac, and accidentally fell into Natalie whilst she was sleeping?


Should I pay someone $60 to trim my fringe, when I could theoretically hack into myself.. there is a 50/50 chance that myself or a trained professional will fuck it up either way.

Should I be concerned that I havent taken any mail out of the mailbox since I found a Huntsman Spider living in there?? What if for once someone is trying to send me some interesting mail.. now I will never know.

Should I tell people the Bentley I booked for the wedding is the same one that Nicole Kidman used at hers?? or will that make me sound like a try-hard wanker?

What is with the mask that Michael Myers wears in 'Halloween' it goes all the way around his head, yet the eyes are cut out.. how does this work??

How hard will it be to stop living on Peru Time when I have to start my new kickass job in the new year?? Very Hard, I am guessing. Getting up at 7.00am seems like a crime against nature.

Should I buy a very expensive hot designer wedding dress cos it makes me look like a supermodel? or go looking at the puffball dresses just in case?

Whats with all the Christmas Beetles? Do they really just come out at Christmas?

Is it wrong to want to kidnap Chris Lilley and force him to write more 'Summer Heights High'.. Wednesdays just aren't the same without it.

Should I wear a bra when I'm lazing around the house? Noone tells you that one of the phsyical side-effects of being lazy on sabbatical is droopy boob syndrome.

What should I do for the next 2 months before I start my new kickass job? I think i'll stop shaving my legs, as a hairy legacy to the end of my sabbatical.