Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Retarded Conversations whist booking a Wedding

Hotel: Hello!
Moi: Hi, i'd like to book a room on Feb 29th for a wedding night.
Hotel: ooh we are all booked out through February.. we have some great deals in December.
Moi: yeahh........ the wedding is in February though.
Hotel: well I can send you some information anyway
Moi: yeah, thats kinda pointless

wtf is wrong with people?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Thursday.. In the Bag

Today I had a battle of wits with the cat. Who has the upper-hand? on the one hand he is captive, on the other hand, I scope his poop out of the litter box, let him sleep on my head, and will let him keep sleeping on the comfy couch whilst I sit in the ricketty chair.

Cat - 1
Me - 0

Monday, October 22, 2007

Where is the Light?

I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but they are phasing out the 25watt bulb.

I like soft light, who likes to pee in bright prison lighting? not me. And for some reason all my lightbulbs burst throughout the house last week. Off to the shops I go.

Where are the 25watt bulbs??? 40 is the new 25.. noone polled me about the changeover. Not only that, the bulby lightglobe is also on the way out.. Enter the realm of 'energy saving bulbs'.. yeah i'm all for saving the planet, but not sitting in constant fugly lighting everywhere I go.

Remember the days of yore walking into the lightglobe aisle, from memory there were about 15 shelves, and varieties as much as you could desire. Today I saw 2 shelves of real bulbs. Now I have these stupid fugly energy bulbs being shoved down my throat.

What government decided that looking fug under flurescent lighting is the way of the future? Which ever party is petitioning to bring back soft lighting has my vote.... and Libraries. I am all for libraries.. but not with fug lighting.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

My Hernia

My Hernia (Beautiful - James Blunt - )

My Hernia's dodgy.
My Hernia's a bore.
I found it on my stomach, when I was layin on the floor.
I was feeling around my fat bits .When I felt you with my hand,
I wouldnt worry so much, if my stomach was more tanned.
My Hernia. My Hernia.My Hernia, Screw You..
You're weird and hard, in my stomach of lard,
And I don't know what to do,'Cause i'm not an old man who's 82.

Did I turn into an old man overnight?? When do I get my walking frame ? I should get a pensioner card.

Where did you come from lump? And what do you want from me? At least now its like having a constant second opinion?

"Should I wear these jeans out?"
"No, and my Hernia agrees with me"

Me and my Hernia are going to the library tomorrow.
The good thing about catching the bus with my Hernia, is it rides for free.

Is it just me or is 'Hernia' sounding like a really good name for someone.

Hernia Valdez, sexual poet.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Maybe i'll be...

A Paleontologist - then I could be like Ross from 'Friends' and be the big nerd that everyones pays out on. I could get a tweed jacket with leather patches on the elbows and drive around in a yellow VW bug. Perks: Dinosaurs don't talk back. Drawbacks: having to work in a lab with people making constant jokes about giant boners.. (ok, I would be the one making all the lame jokes)

Asteroid Catcher - How fun looking up at the stars all day looking for an asteroid, because what are the odds really, that you are going to find one? You could pretty much surf facebook and watch DVD's all day, as long as you were within 10 meters of the telescope. I'm sure that if there was an asteroid someone would find it - hence noone dies - hence I don't get fired. Perks: telling people that you are saving the planet, 'constant vigilance' for asteroids' Drawbacks: constant lame 'ass-teroids playin up agin' jokes.. again, my bad. Plus I think you need to be good at maths to do that and unfortunately I get lost figuring out what to do with the remainder doing long division.

Stand-Up Comedienne - i'd love to be strutting back and forth in a leather catsuit yakkin it up. Unfortunately, I don't have a routine, material, nor saucy catsuit. Perks: Having a reason to wear too-short jeans and sneakers, and butting into peoples conversations going "you ever notice how..." Drawbacks: definite thrush epidemic from the catsuit. Could possibly get a Canesten Sponsorship however.

Plans. Plans. Plans.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Let's pause for a second and talk about Laziness.
Everyone's got there own threshold for Laziness. Mine is probably higher than most. When I'm busy, i'm busy - I get up early, I go to work, I go to the gym in my lunchbreak, I go to the supermarket on they way home, i do the laundry, i water the plants, i clean the bathroom, I go to bed at 10pm. But when i'm lazy, i'm laaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy.

Everyone's got their own personal bodyclocks, some people are early risers, some people are night owls.. I'm living on freaking Puerto Rico time. When i'm not doing shit, i'm up at Noon, in bed at 4am. Lunchtime is breakfast, Dinner is lunch. It's fun living with me.

"whats for dinner?"
"yoghurt and ham sandwich"
"you cant make dinner?"
"what you expect from me? I only woke up 6 hours ago"

You got to be living with people who are on your same level of laziness. When you got nothing to do, doing nothing becomes the main focus.

Monday: exfoliate
Tuesday: clean bathroom floor
Wednesday: move the laundry basket nearer to the washing machine.
Thats It. Nothing Else. Sometimes you even move your one task of the day in lieu of laying around and watching episodes of Friends.. yeah i've seen em 20 million times, but cleaning that floor is effort, and I am shit out of effort.
You make 'lazy plans'.. tomorrow i'm gonna go outside. 'Lazy Goals'..next week, i'm gonna watch Gladiator. Massive.

Lazy Clothes.. man, I have been in these clothes for the past 4 days.. who needs clothes when you're being lazy? Who am I impressing? The Cat?

Even getting up seems pointless. What's my big plan today? pick out the dead-leaves from the potplants? I did that shit yesterday? I need some new shit to do. When you're living on a different time zone, you're living the life of a vampire.. oooh 1am! time to get frisky!! wonder why the DVD player isn't working? let us investigate...... 40 mins later.. Stupid broken piece of shit.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

The Moon?? Who Needs It?

If the Terrorists are watching as much Foxtel as I do, then we are Fucked. This month is "space mystery" month on National Geographic, and they are just giving out the answers on how to end all life on earth once and for all.

Without the Moon, we are fucked. The Moon keeps our planet on a nice little angle, which tilts us nicely so we have seasons, it gives us the tide, and according to the british voice-over guy, we owe our existance (from the Primordial Soup again) to the Moon.

So why don't the terrorists just put a shitload of nuclear bombs in the moon and blow it up? Without the Moon, our gravity would be all fucked up, and rather than spinning nicely on a tilted axis, we would be spinning and swinging all over the place. Not Fun. Living on a rollercoaster would be the worst. Oh don't mind me spewing my guts up for the rest of my life.

Someone better be patrolling the Moon. If I wake up and the Moon is gone, then I will NOT BE HAPPY.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Newsflash Moths: Get a Compass

Hey, Moths.. get a clue.. you aren't supposed to be here. It's called a Carpark. It's a bit different from a rainforest, you fucktards.

FLAP FLAP FLAP.. you know what looks really good all over my ceiling? your filthy moth-dust. what is that shit anyway? why are you so dusty? what kind of defense mechanism is that?

"hey don't touch me! or i'll put my filthy moth dust all over your walls"
What kind of a world do we live in where you have to work in the dark, and you can't walk around yawning anymore..lest a Moth fly in your mouth and try to have sex with it. Walking around and Yawning happens to be one of my favourite past-times.. so thanks for ruining it....
Stupid Bogongs.
If the wind blows you off-course for your annual mating fest of dirty moth sex, maybe next time you should get a better commander, as the one you have at the moment sucks.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Science Scares Me

Ever sat up till 2am watching the National Geographic channel about the universe and planets and meteors and felt totally insignificant and pointless afterwards?
We are so tiny. And its a scientific fact that eventually the sun is going to implode, become a black hole and suck the earth into oblivion.

What are we doing here then?

Surely there must be something more purposeful in the world than just going to work, keeping dental hygiene, having petty arguments with petty people over petty things. Life is so petty when you look at the grande scheme.

I think there is definitely more to life than just being a slave to money. I guess it doesnt matter if you are a Princess or a Pauper, at the end of the day our tiny little 80 year tenures on this piece of dirt are beyond insignificant. 300,000 Billion Years.. and we get 80 years.. if we're lucky.

What I want to know is what do the scientists think about all this?? are they discovering things like "the primordial soup" and black-holes and our imminent destruction and having pissy work drinks afterwards because how can you continue to exist knowing that in the end, its all so pointless.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

The life of Danger

I'm pretty reckless. I jump out of planes, trudge up volcano shelves, drink, indulge in illicit substances, have un-protected sex, use oujia boards. I know the risks that I am putting my body, soul and freedom into.. I care not.

One thing that keeps me awake at night, stressing, and being a big baby over is : DENTAL HYGIENE.

I floss everywhere. I carry it around in my purse and floss at work, clubs, waiting for public transport. I am like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman sneaking around flossing in bathrooms when people think I am snorting the white stuff.

I wouldn't care for a second about changing a lightbulb with the power still possibly on, but will balk at drinking something besides water before bed.

There is nothing worse than going to the dentist and being told you have decay.. well there is one thing worse.. being told you have to have all your wisdom teeth removed.. that is yet to come.

So no matter how much I floss, act stringent with fizzy drinks and sugar, my fucking teeth are still prone to decay.. the dentist is always like "so.. do you floss".. yes I fucking floss.. do you want to look in my handbag for decided proof??

Then also being shown how to floss properly.. no shit?? you floss in between your teeth?? all this time and i've been flossing my asshole.. what a dope am I. No wonder I need 4 fillings.

Arghh Decay!! Damn You!!!! Well teeth, from now on its just water.. constant flossing and a meal of steamed Bok Choi for the rest of your bony little lives.. I'm sure my stomach will thank me later.

Fun. Wisdom Teeth Removal in 10 days and counting... I want the gas. gimme the gas!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

I leave parties without saying goodbye

Yeah, pretty much... is that rude?? I just don't see the point in long drawn out goodbye's and doing the goodbye rounds when I'm probably going to see you the next day. Furthermore there are things that happen at the end of a party that always signifies my resolve to exeunt stage left.

Weddings - I will always stick around for cake/bouquet throwing/embarrasing speeches.. One thing that offends my eyeballs so much that I run from the reception hall is; Oldies dancing to bad techno. That is one bad look. Not to mention that the idiotic DJ with no idea who came free with the reception venue usually cranks the volume up so loud as to bust a cappilery in my eardrums. Techno La-Bamba is bad, no matter being played at level 1 or level 11. Oldies gyrating to it makes it that much worse. See Ya! Happy Honeymoon.

21sts - granted I haven't been to a 21st, since 2001 - the year of the 21'sts in my crew, but the time to leave always came for me when the bottle of Midori was brought out.. I cannot even look at that stuff without feeling nauseous.. stemming from skulling large quantities at someones backyard 21st and probably (most definitely) getting alcohol poisoning so bad I couldnt leave the house for 4 days, let alone the bedroom, except to vomit, and beg someone to go to KFC for potato and gravy for me. When that bottle makes an appearances I am like dust in a windstorm.

House-Parties - House Parties are the best, they kick ass over nighclubs, and any other public venue for drinking because a) you control the music. b) beds available. c) "materials" nearby for when you need to do craft/or cook pancakes at 3am. However the party indefinitely ends for me when either of the following occurs. Group Nakedness. What is it about house parties and the need for people to get nude? The amount of times I have casually walked past a window to see a smooshed up dick against the windowpane pains me to think about. Secondly, you know its time to leave when the people you are partying with feel the need to chop up the furniture and throw it in the fireplace.. that is just crazy. If they're burning their wordly possesions then its only a matter of time before it turns into a naked bonfire and that is some shit I dont need to be seeing (flaming nutsacks? no thanks)

Other than that - if none of those things make an appearance I will be the person you need to drag away from the party and force into a cab.. but I probably still won't say goodbye to you.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Its over.... Laptop

What can I say ricketty old laptop? you suck.
The time has come for me to get a new and improved you. You knew this day would come.. everyones always cracking jokes about trading their loved ones in for a faster, hotter, quicker, smarter version.. well iBook, the time has come for you to "sleep with the fishes".

I'm not sure what use fish or octupus have for a shit, broken, water infested laptop, but they can have it .. barnacles and all.

You were pretty cool at first, small, blue, just like the one out of Legally Blonde, but now you are annoying and slow.. you are so fucked up that you make me want to actually write things on PAPER.. yep. I would rather go back in the technological revolution than use you, you loud annoying piece of shit one second longer.

Sorry Bluey. Don't hate me. We always knew it would come to this.. You dont even have an 'airport' connection..Ethernet is out.. its all about wireless.

I take the sound of your incessant whiring to mean that you have made peace with the situation.

Adios... Hellllooooo new lap "blacky"

ALSO.. anyone with access to 3D World Magazine, should check out page 12 this week. EVERY thing on there is from this blog. Put my New Words on your fridge.. or line your kitty litter tray with it.. evs.

I'm gonna wrap my laptop in it before I throw it into the drink.. Glug Glug Glug

Monday, October 01, 2007

What is cuter?

In the advertising stakes, there are 2 staple animal/toiletries hook-ups... but what is cuter?

A) Dogs and Toilet Paper?


B) Cats and Tampons?

Coincidentally I couldn't find any pics on the internets of Cats and Tampons, however.... I did find this lovely pic of a Cat using a Tampon... who knew there was a market for this?