Thursday, September 27, 2007

The one where my brain died

Job Interviews are stressful enough. The last thing you need is to be seated in front of a panel, and have to come up with intelligent witty answers about boring subjects like 'budgets' and 'how you deal with difficult people'... Alas I do not expect a phone call from the company I interviewed with earlier this week, namely because my brain did a total vacation on me, and left behind a hamster in a wheel. only the hamster was retarded, and the wheel was going backwards.

I walked out of there thinking "did I actually say that??"

The closest thing I can compare it to is that footage that was on youtube of that Miss America girl going on about 'Iraq' and 'Helping Africa' when the question she was asked was about Maps in public schools.

The job in question was working for a Musical Theatre Production Company, so I should have really gone in wearing a cape, mask, smoke machine and laser beams.. then they would have at least been distracted by my image and not focussing on my retarded answers to simple questions.

"So do you have people skills"
"yeah i like people, and skills, like talking, and yeah people are great, not every person is great. some people are mean, I dont like those people. I like emails, the internet...... going to lunch, talking to people.. so yes, I would have to say that I definitely have people skills"

wtf??? did I take acid first thing in the morning and not realise.

God I hate my brain.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Stop Advertising on My Apple

Ok this is ridiculous
This is going beyond the call of normal advertising.

Spiderman 3 coming soon to DVD. On my apple!! This is just wrong.

Who comes up with this shit? Whose brilliant idea was it to infiltrate the food market with advertisting?? I'm not saying its not sort of ingenius, its just wrong. There is enough mass-media advertising as it is, and this sticker offends me.

In other news, I keep smelling cat-piss everywhere I go, whats up with that? Perhaps I have a phantom cat who follows me around and pee's near me everywhere I go. Strange.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Sex and the City Film. I protest

Aghhh is it really necessary to make a stupid Sex and the City movie!!!
Does anyone really care what happens to Big and Carrie? they are both jerks.

What's wrong with leaving things to the imagination?? So unnecessary. Imaginaton endings keep the story alive. I dont need everything spelled out for me.

Plus how interesting will this story be? the season ended on a good note. The chemistry between Big and Carrie only works when they are being assholes to each other. If they try to marry her off I will seriously throw a rock through the screen. We all know Carrie isn't the marrying type, otherwise she would have married Aidan. He was hot and could buff her wood floors. All Big can do is write cheques and drive around in a limo wearing a shit-eating grin.

Miranda?? she got sprogged up and moved to the burbs with Steve and his Maaaaa.. Where is the excitement there? There is no "city" anymore. Its not called Sex-Sometime-With-Steve-And-Kmart Supercentre.

Charlotte - she got hitched, adopted an asian baby? now what? gets pregnant for reals. how exicting. Sex-and-Morning sickness. Awesome. Also don't think you can just haze over her adopted asian baby. None of us are forgetting this happened.

Samantha - stopped being a slut and allowed herself to get over her ridiculous issues and be with Smith. Who is hot and into all that kinky shit she loves, so they are perfect together. Plus I dont think after going thru a cancer scare together would be a predecessor to becoming a huge slut again.

The only way this movie will work is if the following happens:

Carrie gets pregnant with Big's child and he freaks out and locks her in a dungeon, there are unfortunately roosters from the vet on the roof of her dungeon that lead to hilarities. She dies in there.

Miranda gets a sex change. Steve doesn't notice.

Charlotte gets put in prison for trying to steal babies out of the wombs of friends she has met thru her selfmade company for pregnant mothers with no homes "ROOMS FOR WOMBS"

Samantha gets AIDS finally.

Someone stole my Apple

They are trying to fuck with me, I know it. I had a red juicy delicious apple on my desk waiting for me to get into work this morning and I was going to slice it up real nice. Then I get here and it's MISSING!!

Who is stealing my apple?
Why are they stealing my apple?
Do they think by stealing my apple they can break me!!!!!!!!!


Game On Work Peeps. Game On.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

I would rather lick Lenny's Bumhole

I would rather lick Lenny's Bumhole than:

*Eat Sultana Bran. Gross
*Temp. Temping is ass. It doesn't take 8 hours to write 50 labels.
*Go on "pity" drinks with people from work. We aren't friends. Lets not pretend we are just cause I'm leaving.
*Get pimples. If licking Lennys bumhole once a day would keep pimples at bay, you couldn't keep me away from that cat's asshole.

Friday, September 21, 2007

F*cking Gay Answering Machine Messages

I don't have an answering machine. I had one when I was a kid, and I would always delete the normal message my mum had recorded and then record a rap-song (yes my obsession with rap is long standing) and mostly people would go "what the hell was that!!" and then leave their message. In my line of work I am always calling peeps for castings and whatnot, and inevitably have heard every answering machine message out there. These are the ones that make me want to jump through the phone and punch you, or if you really arent home, poo in your potplants.

The 'pre-recorded' supposed to be quirky message - you know these ones that come pre-recorded on Nokia, "thanks for calling the psychic hotline.. you have called .... MEL...." nothing sounds worse than the professional voice over doing this lame shtick then some bogan sounding in, in their nasal twang going "MEL".. arghh just record something normal. I also don't have 2 hours to listen to your stupid Mission Impossible themesong, or anything to do with Austin Powers. Its not Groovy Baby. Glassed.

Children leaving dribbling drooling nonsensical messages - nuff said, we all know how I feel about children.

And finally, the Jerk Message/Makes me want to get Pysically Violent Message:

"we cant be bothered answering the phone"
Well then I cant be bothered leaving you a message. Cunt.

"this is blah blah, seen as how you are paying for this call, we really dont care if you leave a message or not. leave a message after the raspberry. PFFFFTTTTGHGHTT"
OMG I hate you. Not only do you remind me that I wasted money on your cunting machine, but then you do a raspberry!!! GLASSSSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, September 17, 2007


Even though, the term 'chillaxed' is top of the wank factor. I have to say that I am the definitive representation of it right now.

This weekend I went on a little trip down south to a friends beach-house for some relaxation and R&R. Everyone should have access to a beach-house. Fact.

If you like: napping, reading garfield comics, jumping off rocks, reminsicing about 80's tv shows, babysitters club books, cooking sausages in woks, playing the 'make up new words' scrabble game, lemmeno. If you have a beach-house. Lets be friends.

New Words Beachhouse Trip September 07:

Darrow: Dangerously Narrow
Nyianfa: the inner noise you make rummaging thru your bag looking for your wallet when its not there.
Pealax: busting to pee, then nothing comes out
Tannvies: one sided wedgy
Sawndo: pooing in the sand
Geisluj: anal leakage after a big Mardi Gras night
Carzinego: when you are in a coma, but can hear everything
Farknoyn: friends who don't show up at the beach-house. Biznitches.
Froxi: a guy who looks hot in a dress
Scezgo: westie dyslexic speak for "lets go"
Unanie: really hot boiling pee
Aiunanie: doing a boiling hot pee in the shower
Eeeex: 'there's a bee on my leg, I am mildly worried'
Mangity: short men with over-accentuated egos
Nudepass: When you get naked in front of your friends for the first time
Tijaber: tired mumbling nonsensical crap
hurlmir: vomitty burps.

Everyone should do a Sawndo. Scezgo!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Pilates - not just poofy stretching

When I look in the mirror these days I see a stranger looking back at Me. The Me that I know used to think that exercise (specially in gyms) was retarded, and walking around the food aisles in woolworths was considered aerobically effective. Then a year ago I joined up with Fitness First.. It was like selling a piece of my soul one small part at a time.

Then the other day I did my first Pilates class
Wow. I am in a world of pain right now.
Stretching has always seemed like a fairly poofy form of exercise to me.. you dont sweat and everyone seems to turn a blind eye to the endless camel toe. I am not down with 'meditation' or 'breathing exercises' or 'poof whale music', and I am especially not down with doing ridiculous stretching exercises all the while trying to hold a fart in.
I guess Pilates does do some good. I can feel my 'ab' hurting. It's all the rage amongst the celebs specially Gwyneth "I do nothing except Pilates" Paltrow - but its probably the most retarded form of exercise I have ever participated in.
Tuck your tailbone in... huh?? are we monkeys?
And roll back and forth on your spine.... ok.. this looks weird.
Wriggle your ankles around.. this is going to make me skinny?? are you nuts?
I dont believe it would make you skinny in the long run, but at least I know I can hold a fart in for 45 mins whilst my body is twisted and stretched out into various torture positions should the situation ever present itself again.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Chizzle my Nizzle

How happy am I that I didn't sell my silverchair tickets on Ebay... Pretty Effing Happy!!
When we arrived at Acer Arena we went to our seats in the ant-section, so named because everyone looks like an ant down on the floor. We even contemplated leaving because the seats were so shithouse...note to self: never buy tickets for the Upper Concourse ever again.

When out of the corner of my eye, I see this usher handing out tickets to the people who were literally standing on the roof.. and I think to myself.."hmmm tickets ey" so she comes over to me and says "I only have 3 tickets left" thinking that were with the people sitting next to us. Faster than the speed of light I jumped up "we'll take em!!" I had no idea what they were, but they couldn't be any worse than the tickets we already had.

Ok. Best Seats in the House!!!!

The seats we had were practically on the stage, right next to the backstage area, so I got lots of spotting of other band members "ooh paul mac... you ruined silverchair". What a great thing to do, give the people with the worst tickets, the best tickets. Loves It.

It was great being so close to Daniel Johns, as he is the hottest thing alive, and completely mesmerising, I couldnt take my eyes off him the whole show, thats some magnetism right there. They should put a picture of him next to 'charisma' in the dictionary.

Saturday Night rocked so hard, and it was almost impossible to compare the Sunday night show when I was on the floor in the moshpit.. it seemed quieter (i was probably a bit deaf) and there was a lot less playing the guitar with Daniels teeth. Overall. 6 stars out of 5. There is no such thing as a bad silverchair show.

"Give me 2 slow sensual times.... 6 more times... "


Nerds, Attract Nerds.
Look at the guy with the girl with the crossword.
Nerds, Attract Nerds.
I mean look at the guy with the girl with the crossword.

Nothing rhymes with crossword... dammit.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Foreskin Rules!

I love foreskin. I am really sick of living in a world where people view the foreskin as "repugnant" "repulsive" and "dirty"... newsflash nerdos - if you wash your dick its clean.. having no foreskin doesnt mean you are any cleaner - you are probably dirtier cos you think you are too good to wash your willy.

I mean - how does this not make you happy:

Thats got personality. Looks like its about to break into a song in Daniel Johns Falsetto "Ooooh Ooooh Walking in a Straight Line".

I call that part 'the sock' and it's sick and wrong that there is 'sock' prejudice in the world, what about that idiotic episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte makes a grown man get circumsised before she would sleep with him.. pffft if that was me, I would have rubbed my extra skin in her face before leaving and pooing in her hallway.

Foreskin is great because it you dont get lint stuck to your dick, its like a little purse that you can fit up to two Jaffa's in. I wish I had one.

I have had this conversation with my girlfriends about whether they would allow their kids to remain with their socks, and some have said they would cut them off (owch) so they dont get teased at school ??? who is looking that closely in the schoolyard? Will you be left off the invite list to all the birthday parties if you have a little extra skin happening down there? What names would you call someone with their sock? I would just retort saying that "when you finally get laid I wont be the one buying ribbed condoms cos my package comes with its own pleasure ridges"

SOCKS ROCK!! I will never defile my future sons by hacking off important parts of their bodies.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

No Shoes!! Ahh we have ways of Punishing You...

In the building I work, there is a Fitness First, and because I am too lazy to go after work, I try to sneak in a workout in my lunchtime. This means that I have all manners of gym-stuff around my desk, socks, deoderant, undies, sneakers. There is an 'secret door' as I call it - which connects Fitness First to my office, so on the occasion I have forgotten something I would open the escape door and get my stuff - rather than walking alllll the way outside to get basically 2 meters from my desk.

Then they set an alarm on my secret door - WEEEE OOOOO WEEEE OOOO... Telling them that I felt the urge to break out of their secret door cos I forgot hairclips didnt go down well with security, so I had to promise not to use the secret door anymore.

Today, I got into the changeroom, and realised after getting ready that I had forgotten my sneakers.. ahhhh I could have my sneakers within 30 seconds if I was allowed thru my secret door, but alas I didnt want to get narked at again... So I figured I would just work out in my socks.

Silly me thought I was the clever one, pulling the wool over Fitness First' eyes, and working out in my socks, where I should be wearing shoes..

Well.... what I didnt know is that the design of those stupid eliptical machines is to totally break your feet if you try to use them without shoes.

The fat on my feet was squished thru the holes, so that every move I makes now sends arrows of pain to the balls of my feet. I think I have bruised soles.. if that is possible.

Screw you holes!!! Next time I am going thru the secret door. I dont care of the repercussions, unless the repercussions is to force me to work out without shoes on your torture device.

Cant wait to limp home. Not.

Sunday, September 02, 2007


One of The Best, nay - The Greatest things in this world, is chicken and home-made gravy.. mmmm The Best.

I love a bit o chicken and gravy (with mash) unfortunately my gravy making skills are subpar.... but seen as how tonight I was making Tarragon Chicken Wings - I figured I'd give it another shot...

Exhibit A:

(To the Tune of EVIE - by Stevie Wright)

Gravy shouldn't look like this

Gravy, Shouldn't look like thiiiiiiissssss

Thank god I had some packet gravy on standby... Gravy shouldn't look like Clag Glue.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

If my life was a Porno

Last night I had a very "this could be a porno" evening....

I was walking up the stairs to my unit and saw two attractive girls sitting on the stairs eating sushi (SUSHI!! get it!.. no seriously, thats what they were eating)... and i'm like "are you guys locked out or something?" and they answer back *in dutch accents* "yes ve arr locked out.. could you pleeze help out with a number of a locksmeeth"...

So I go into my apartment and find a locksmith number and pass it on.. Then I had a shower and got into my tiny shorts and little singlet still wet-ish, when "DING DONG" the doorbell rings...

Standing on my doorstep are the two hot girls from the stairs.. "sorry to bother you, but my phone ees dead, can we borrow yours?"

This is the moment where if I was a sex crazed maniac, the Porn would have begun.. "sure come on in" wicka wicka bowm bowm wicka

Unfortunately, we didn't have a crazy lesbian 3 way, but I called them a cab, so they could get their spare keys, and we spoke about Whitey the cat that lives on the stairs, and crazy psycho man who rants and raves outside the building.

But its good to know that should I ever want to have a crazy lesbian 3-way with some hot dutch girls, the opportunity is bound to present itself again.