Friday, August 31, 2007

Howdy Stranger

I love giving out fake names, and sometimes entire fake backstories to strangers.
The people who I lie to about my identity most are the peeps at Starbucks..
Whenever they ask me my name I usually go by "Vern. V-E-R-N. Vern" I like the name Vern, and its nice to pretend to be Vern, Vern drinks coffee (rachel does not) Vern pretends to like the new Paul McCartney CD on sale (rachel thinks Paul McCartney is a sellout) Vern reads The Financial Review (rachels eyes glaze over and she tries to keep drool off her shirt). It's good to be Vern. Verns order is never fucked up. Vern leaves a nice tip..
However, if i'm on a plane i'll make up a huge story about my identity to tell the person sitting next to me, I once told this really nice family that my name was Mallory and I had a twin sister called Valery. It was all I could to contain myself to not get up mid-flight and put on a different top and pretend to be my non-existant twin sister.

Let's Compare Shall We..........

What did I do last night?? Well, I caught stinkin PT home, walked up a hill, ate half a packet of Mint Slices then lay on the couch comatose watching crappy Foxtel documentaries (did you know that there is definite evidence that Jon Benet Ramsays parents are innocent? yeah wow)

What did Leisa do?? oh you know just hung out with Silverchair.

Biznitch and Daniel Johns
Oooooh you cow you . A friend of mine was at the Big Day Out when they played for the first time and caught the water bottle that Daniel Johns threw into the crowd, and she gave it to me, and I kept that thing under my bed in a box for about 6 years.. till I realised how disgusting it was to keep a crappy old water bottle that may or may not have actually touched Daniel Johns lips, I dont know what I planned to do with it considering I kept it for so long?? perhaps wait till cloning was available thru swabs of DNA residue left on the rim...
Leisa and I and another friend of ours used to stalk silverchair all over the place, obessession, it was scary..Then 10 years later she wins a competition to meet the gods of our teenage longing.
She is now dead to me.

Monday, August 27, 2007

The Siren Call of The Mega

Everyone has their ghetto local club that no matter how sophisticated and classy the evening begins, somehow you always end up at "the megahole".... probably because its within walking distance of your house, but also because there is something reassuring about its skankyness.

For instance - Saturday night began at Bungalow 8... known for its wanky bouncers, and therefore well dressed 'prestigous' crowd vibe: Hence: we dress like purdy people
When it got to 'pumpkin hour' ie: midnight, we decided to party on at Retro, for some spectacular daggy dancing and various floors of 70/80/90's top hits... who could resist?? unfortunatley - we could certainly resist the line. I dont do lines... what to do then?? one word: Megahole.

maggotrons in the "disco"
ahhhhhh...... there are no words. Sure there are absolutely no standards in The Mega, and it seems like there serial killers in the disco who don't even blink when they are are mentally undressing you on the dancefloor. But at least you can be honest:
Creep: Can I buy you a drink?
Us: If you did that, then we'd feel obliged to talk to you
Creep: oh......
Good Luck Creep. Who wants to listen to a Bob Sinclair Medley?? Not Me. Exunt: Nightclub
robot dancing in the pool room
At least you can always rely on the pool room for robot dancing
"oh my god, look at her butt, its like so big.. de de de de de de I like big butts and I cannot lie"
Good Times... but next time I vow that we will not end up here again... its like a maggot-magnet.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Nose Picking = Awesome

Why does society frown so much on nose picking?? I am a huge fan of The Pick. My favourite place to pick is in the car, and then balling it up and putting it in the armrest holder with the street directory.

Saying that, I mainly 'pick n roll' in the car because I dont have any other time to pick because I am constantly surrounded by people, the majority of whom, are all against picking.
Picking is the best, I get excellent boogers every day, mainly because I work in air-conditioning, and it dries up my nose well and good - all I can do though is live with the pointy scratchyness and save it all up till I get in the car - lest I be socially outcasted for having my finger in there up to the knuckle.
What's so bad about picking?? Why should I have to hide in the bathroom to pick?
I Pick and I'm Proud.
I also pick my undies out of my bum in public too, but that is another story (why should I walk around with a wedgie? because society says its uncool to pick it out??)
I think Pickers of the world should unite and have a party.. PICKING IN THE PARK, we can all Pick it up good, just once I would like to be able to pick out a winner and have someone give me an appraising head-bob "nice one" they'll say. And i'll be like "thanks! I made it myself"

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


As years go by, i'm definitely getting more and more retarded. When kids grow up they hone their senses like peripheral vision so they dont get hit by trucks crossing the road, as well as an awareness of their body and its position withing the universe and its inatimate objects.

I have unfortunately lost this sense.

For about the past 2 weeks I have been walking into walls, lamp-posts, i cant walk past a desk without jabbing myself on the corner, i walked into a bin and knocked the lid off and gunk went flying everywhere on Oxford St... I dont know what's going on? It's not like i'm walking out my way to bang into things, i think they are actually jumping out in front of me.

Now it seems like gravity is out to get me. I was going to the gym yesterday, and as I was waiting for the lift I realised I left my water at my desk, so I bolt through the office at top-speed and just as I get to my office I bump into the corner of the glass-meeting-room wall and go flying through the air like superman and totally stack it.

Not only did I stack, I stacked so hard that I bounced off the ground, and landed flat on my face with limbs akimbo, and carpet burn up both knees and elbows. I looked like a human sketch of a murder victim laying on the ground.

Hot. The best part was everyone in the glass meeting room watching my spasticness go flying past, and everyone at the elevators too. Stupid Shifts in Gravity. I swear the earth's axis tilted for that one second, as there is no way I would willingly run into a glass wall like that.

I need to start wearing a stack-hat around.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The Inner Thoughts of Men

One of the dangers of going out partying hard, drinking, staying up late, is the chance that you will send a shifty text at 2am, and then regret it the next morning. Or you might send a shifty text to a complete stranger - henceforth:


Time: 2.05am
Sender: Unknown
Man what do you do?
I'm pretty pisd bout headn home.
Kate is sad.
Only thing she wants to do exciting is fuk.
She is hot, but what good is that if she's not keen for me 2 show her off 2 my mates.
Man, got 2 be single 2 be happy.
Jodz was more fun.
Dude you think Kate is worth it?

MmmmK so what have we learned from this?
1. Boys like to have 'trophy girlfriends' to objectify with their mates, if all the girl has to offer is sex, that's ok, as long as she doesnt whine about it.
2. Boys would rather be single than be with a girl who is good-looking who won't put up with them and their mates bullshit.
3. Boys always compare you do the more fun ex-girlfriend who probably liked to fuck and let his mates watch.

Poor Kate, if I was you I'd drop this jackass like a sack of potatos, and perhaps find this Jodz chick and warn her of impending jackass grovelling to get back together.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Science + Vegetables = not impressive

What is the lamest use of science and horticulture of the 20th century?
The Purple Cauliflower.
Why Why Why do we need a purple cauliflower?? Granted, the seedless watermelon is a good use of science and fruit, I would never go back to seeds now. But what use is a purple cauliflower? Could they not have used the power of science for good? to make it not taste like dirty dishrags swathed in hairy mould spores??
You aren't fooling anyone that a purple cauliflower is the fun way to eat cauliflower, kids aren't that stupid. Perhaps if you had merged Twisties and cauliflower DNA to make a posie of Twisties that grow out of the ground, I would be impressed.
Nice One Scientists.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Free Carrrch

Need a Couch? Need TWO Couches??
Someone please take my Couches.

*Cat and Blanket not included.
If couch not picked up in time for my new couch delivery - come over for the Bonfire of the Couches.. nothin kindles the winter warmth like 2 flaming couches... Council Permits Pending.

Birthday Affinity

Seems to me like a lot of people are celebrating birthdays at the moment, July and August is where it’s AT! Although the downside to living in the southern hemisphere for birthday celebrations is that its always in the dead of winter and no one is in a party mood, winter is more 'tracksuit mood'.. Tracksuit party anyone??

What I love about birthdays is when people mention the famous people they share their birthday with, like they have some sort of special bond, for instance: I share my birthday with:
Tom Hanks - (who only ever plays Tom Hanks on an Island, Tom Hanks with AIDS, Tom Hanks in a spaceship) I really don’t feel like we have much in common aside from the fact we are both tall with dark hair.
Fred Savage - maybe our penchant for inner-outer monologues is our defining characteristic.
Courtney Love - I try not to think too much about our similarities, who wants to be a drug addict murder suspect? She made good music though, and so do The Stroggles so we have some affinity there.

I wonder if you went up to a famous person and told them that you shared birthdays if they would really care. "Oh Madonna, we have the same birthday!" "We do?? Well come into my mansion! I’ll get David Banda to fix us some drinks".

It’s like sharing a birthday with a good celebrity makes you somehow cooler yourself. If only I shared a birthday with Rodney Dangerfield, cos he is the coolest!

Although one person you wouldn’t want to share a birthday with, any of the noxious overlords of the 20th century perhaps? “What are you doing inviting John to the party!!? He shares his birthday with Hitler” No one wants to party with Hitler.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Free Blow

I am officially banned from talking about my hair within the confines of my house, and I will be officially banned from talking about it on my blog, because most people would wonder "how long can one person obsess about their hair for?" well, let me tell you, I can obsess 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

My Final Hair Gripe: I sorted out my frissues, I took a zillion photos down to the trendy european hairdresser on Oxford St, I made sure that he wouldnt cut it too "blunt" nor too "choppy"... what I failed to do was mention that he is to keep his crazy scissors away from the bulk of my locks.

I wanted a trim you f*cker. Trim the split ends off. Trim the 2 inches we agreed upon. Trim does not mean any of the following: 6 inches off, layers, feathering, fugly fright wig. Goddammit.

Do you really have to make a point of saying " I want a 2 inch trim - that does not include - layers, feathering, razor cut, all my hair cut off, shaving my neck, making me look like a KISS wig" Are they just looking for loopholes? "oooh she didnt tell me NOT to cut chunks off the back of her head.. "

Sufficed to say - I walked out of there slightly fuming, but still looking midly hot, as everyone looks like a supermodel with professionally blowdried hair. So I decided to milk the blowdry for everything it was worth, then washed it a week later.. and yes, like I had anticipated.. Fright Wig.

I wrote an email to the hairdressers, saying that I did not ask for this frightwig, and that unfortunately I dont have have any hairdressing elves living in my bathroom to blowdry it, so what the hell am I supposed to do now? Should I cut into again myself and try to rectify the hideousness??? Bah.... Do hairdressers have free reign on another persons hair? Should I be able to walk out without paying when the hairdresser cuts off 3 times more than I asked for and says "oh it was too long anyway" yeah, to me its not. When I pay a guy to paint my house, he does it in the colour I ask in the right places, he doesn't decide to paint some windows with polka dots and take the door off the hinges and expect to be congratulated and paid in full.

To my surprise the manager called me to apologise and offered me a month of free blow dries, which was extremely generous and kind of him. Although I still have these hideous layers and feathering atrocities to grow out. At least i'll have something to look forward to. Besides the year was flying by wayyy to quickly for my liking, now it will drag by like a mofo as I run into the bathroom every 2 seconds to brush it and pose to see how long it's grown in the past 24 hours.

Down with Hair
Up with Hats

Friday, August 10, 2007


One of my biggest dreams in life is own a really really nice couch. A heroin for your ass type couch... When I was 15 my best-friend and I used to go to the couch section of Grace Bros at Warringah Mall and hang out with a packet of Tim Tams and soak in the comfyness of this amazing couch they had, and made a pact that when we were grown-up's we'd buy a couch just like it.

I am officially a grown up.

On my search for the Dream-Couch I looked everywhere, I really think they should open up a place called "the couch emporium" or "just couches" as its really tiring when you have to sift through other furniture when all you are interested in is couches.

Then we found it.. THE BARTON... sitting in it is like sitting in a marshmallow... sooo soft.
I had to do some 'testing' to see if it was the right couch for me.. lying down *shoes off* sprawled out on my side, spooning, reading, reading then napping, one leg over the couch.. Sure the other customers were looking at me like I was mental, but how am I supposed to know if the couch is good, if I dont try it in realistic couch lazing positions?? I could start a class called "couch yoga" and the most comfy positions you can do on a 4 seater.

So we signed our contract and the couch will be delivered in 6 - 8 weeks. Till then I am sneering and saying snide comments about our old crappy couches behind their backs. "stupid 3 seater, how am I supposed to do the Orangotang move if I dont have enough room"

Thursday, August 09, 2007


The Ebay police are coming to get you
The Ebay police are gonna cancel your bids
The Ebay police are gonna steal your kids

Pfft Ebay... I haaaaate Ebay.. granted I have only used Ebay once for buying something (Super Mario Bros for the Super Nintendo) that purchase worked out well, arrived smelling like cigarettes, but who can complain.

I decided to try my hand at selling, to get rid of these cursed Silverchair Tickets. I figured I would sell them for cheap, and not be a scalper who tries to f*ck the artist over. Thus being my first ever selling transaction...... there were bound to be "troubles"

Not one bid for the entire 10 day auction, until this morning when I get an email from a chick wondering if the seats are together - yes - she bids $60 and "wins" the auction" for $60 (the tix are worth $210, I would sell for half that - but $60 is just insane)

So I renegged.... I am a renegger.. My name is Rachel and I reneg on things. I'm not proud of this fact, but its the truth.

I sent her an email apologising about my lack of sophistication on Ebay, seen its my first time, I didnt know about 'reserve prices' - but here's your money back and good luck with another auction.... well....She was none too pleased. She sent me relentless emails yelling at me, I refused her payment in my account, and wrote to her that there was no way I could sell the tickets at that price, and to just move on.

Perhaps I should have stipulated a certain cost, but its my first time, forgive me for being stupid. I watch too much TV and probably have some degenerative brain disease from sitting in front of computers all day long.

She then writes me a terse email and then copies and pastes some Ebay policy crap into the note. Which is a tactic that will never ever work on me, don't try to shame me into giving you something, don't demand me to do something, you are a stranger to me and I don't owe you any favours.

Pffffft yeah right... like i'm going to give you those tickets now.. I would rather use those tickets to patch the gaping hole in my roof than give them to you. Perhaps if you had been nice about it and said that you are saving the rest of your money for a kidney operation and seeing silverchair is your last wish, then I would have given them to you for free.

Ooooooh Ebay policy!!!! What are they gonna do to me?? Send a couple of nerds around to ask me to give her my tickets.. good luck nerds. I didn't take your money, get over it Crankypants..
Oh No! they might close my seller account!!!! you mean i'll just have to throw all this crap I have in the garbage rather than selling it to people?? Darn it.

Down with Crankypants
Up with Scalping

NOTE: I would like to note, that when the auction ended and she had "won" I immediatley apologied and gave her back her money, because I didnt know what I was doing, I didnt know about reserve prices, and was as nice as pie about the situation. She was just relentless. I'm retarded - there is no question about that. But i'm not a bad person, I just do stupid things.

Monday, August 06, 2007


That's right, I have Frishues right now.. FRINGE ISSUES people!

I really really hate hairdressers, it's like i'm speaking English and they're speaking Stupish from Planet Stupid. Why Why Why!! Is it so hard to walk into a hairdresser, tell them what you want, and leave with exactly that??

Why must I walk into a Toni & Guy and leave with the Fringe of Death?? The Fringe that nothing can fix?? The Fringe that is allergic to my hairdryer?? Why is this??

I think that it probably looked better before when it was in my eyes and I couldnt see anything, at least I looked cool even if I was blind.

Arghhh, what to do do?? I could cut it again and have it really really short and not leave the house for a month? or grow it out for a couple more months before getting it re-trimmed elsewhere...


Pffft "Global Warming" whatevs.. Think Globally, Act Locally, and right now My Fringe is a crime against nature.

Down with Toni & Guy
Up with using my own scissors, drunk, in the dark, in my left hand.. i'm sure it couldn't end up any worse than it is now.

Le Sigh.

Friday, August 03, 2007

WINDANG SUX - The True Story

Once upon a time, about 4 years ago, my good friend *now fiance* Mark and I decided to get away for the weekend, so we could take a shitload of drugs and not have to worry about our flatmates harrasing us. (disgusting I know..) We weren't dating at the time, but after the weekend we had, its no wonder we ended up together.

So, I booked this cabin called the "Oasis of Windang" under the pretense I guess of it becoming a romantic weekend, on a lake, cabins, drugs.. what more could you want?? We also decided that we would take up lots of electronics, but that comes later.

Anyway, we drive thru Port Kembla, and finally get to Windang and pull into 'The Oasis'... you know that sound in a movie when it's like "wha wha whaaaa" and you realised that you just got suckered in - well thats what happened.

We picked up our key to our cabin, and walked along the cabins on the lake and 'broke into' the totally wrong cabin, we were like "why isn't our key working?" and a lot of kicking on the door before we realised that we had the wrong one (and we hadnt even had any drugs at this stage). Once inside we decided it sucked ass, and we couldn't stay in a shitty cabin on a lake that smells like rancid garbage and the cabins were totally covered in Pelican Shit, which sparked the invention of my moniker - Dr Pelican (another story).

So we go to reception and the conversation goes like this:
Me: So, do you have any cabins that don't smell like Pelican shit?
Receptionist: No, every cabin here smells
Me: what about a room?
Receptionist: every room here is booked. You should go somewhere else.
Ok. She made it clear that she didnt want us staying there as we were clearly up to no good. We drove out of there leaving a dust-trail behind, Eat My Dirt Windang!!! and we never returned.
We drive into Wollongong City to find another hotel. A hotel that doesn't stink. Enter 'The Rydges'.. mmm comfort. We pay for the most luxurious room they have to get the stink of Pelican off us, and the night begins.
First we carry up to our room, the surround sound stereo system that we brought with us - purely for the reason to create a two-person disco in our bedroom. I can only imagine what the concierge must have thought seeing us go traipsing past with a sub-woofer, a super-nintendo, suitcases full of 'outfit changes'... idiots.
Once we had the whole system set up it was a debaucherous night of drugs, music, and Nintendo. Where the following ridiculous things happened and talked about incessantly to the annoyance of anyone who wasn't there for years to come:
* Scagnetti Land - a magical place where the Scagnetti Family lives, everyone is called Scagnetti, and Scagnetti breathes through his hands.
* Wanting to go to a Westfield with a goat that has rabies and charge people $1 for a pet
* Killer Rabbits
* Trachia - a disease you get from trying to crawl into the mouth of a Pelican, which causes really bad scratchy throat and can only be cured by rubbing vegemite on your face.
* Building a "sleigh" out of two couches and pretending we were trapped in a liferaft
* Opening a Laundry where you wear the clothes in a spa full of shampoo and wash them fully clothed, before stripping off and throwing them over the railing.
* My obsession with wet socks, wearing socks in a bath, wearing socks in a pool, wetting socks and putting them in the microwave to wear around.
So...... yeah.... this is why I dont take drugs anymore.. when we left the room, the TV was broken because we had tuned all the channels out so we could plug the Nintendo in. The bed hadn't been slept in, and there were wet socks everywhere *which we left behind as a present*. Afterwards we drove around Wollongong looking for a park to sleep in, and decided that it would probably be best if we didn't hang out together anymore for our health.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

My Dirty Addiction

Yes, Yes, I would like to proudly stand up and say 'I am a Lipgloss Addict'. Is there such thing as Lipgloss Anonymous?? there should be.

I first discovered The Gloss when I was about 14, LIPSMACKERS. Aka: The Devil

At first I just liked it cos they tasted nice, and I ONLY used to like Peach Flavour, so that would mean hours of sifting through giant containers of Lipsmackers looking for the one for me. Sign 1 of an addiction: Letting time go by as you sift through different varieties for your hit.

Then I noticed that I NEEDED to put it on. All the time. Otherwise my lips would dry out. It wasn't until many years later that I realised that there was probably something in the product that dries your lips out making you rely on the product to make the feeling go away. Sign 2. Product induced cravings.

Not only did I need to put it on all the time, I would wake up during the night and put it on. Before I went to bed: Water - Check, Eyemask - Check, Lipgloss - Check. Then I would wake up at intermittent intervals to either slather my lipgloss on, or freak out if my lipgloss had moved. Sign 3. Cravings when you're sleeping.

Eventually I grew out of my Lipsmackers phase, cos its just not cool for a 22 year old to carry that shit around. But that's not to say I got over my addiction entirely.

At any given time I have roughly 5 lipglosses in my vacinity, I have one on my desk, I have 2 in my purse, I have one in my bag, I have one in my jacket, I have one in my pockets. When i'm at home I have one or maybe two in every room. As well as a stockpile in the bathroom should one of my 'permanant room glosses' go missing - as often happens when you have a cat who likes to play with them and loses them under things.

What is really sad is that often when i'm moving furniture around to clean I will find these long-lost lipglosses and its like seeing an old friend, I smile, I jump up and down, then I USE IT!! how disgusting is that. I know i'm being disgusting, but I cant help it.

When I see a movie or need to go into a meeting, first thing I check - Lipgloss, where can I put my lipgloss so if I need it I can get to it without making too much of a fuss. It's not unheard of to see me enter a meeting with nothing more than just my lipgloss. And I will sit through a movie with the lipgloss in my lap like a small child.

That's not the worst of it. Which is what happens to me for whatever reason I end up in a situation with NO lipgloss. If I end up somehow at a dinner, or out for a walk without lipgloss I have a breakdown, my lips immediately dry out and I cant stop licking them, and I will get fidgety and try to leave so I can go to a 'safe place' and look for lipglosses, or if worse comes to worse I will find the nearest chemist and buy a new one. Unitl I have that gloss on my face all I can think about is "need gloss. must get gloss. your lips are drying out. gloss. gloss. gloss!!!!"

I think I have all the signs of a degenerate lipgloss junkie . I need help. I dont really know what they would do in the Lipgloss Anonymous group?? would we tie an empty lipgloss to our wrists?? 30 days and no gloss? I dont think I can handle it. I cant even handle thinking about it. I have to go now, and put on some gloss.

mmmmm glossy.