Monday, October 30, 2006

Things I've Learnt Recently.

Epiphany 1. Never get in a car with someone who drives recklessly. They might have a disregard for their own life, but don't fuck with mine. Bad Drivers are the worst. Driving fast and like a rally driver isn't impressive.

Epiphany 2. You can never throw out junkfood if its still edible. It's hard to be healthy with a packet of Mint Slices in the fridge calling out to you. So then you throw them in the bin. But there are still 6 left, and that would be wasteful, so you dig them out of the bin and eat all 6 then throw the package out. (and buy more next time at the shops and the cycle repeats itself)

Ephiphany 3. Its never ok to get relaxed about washing your whites and colours. I put a top in with a red bit in with my whites. Now everything is Pink. After 2 days of soaking and bleaching everything is still slightly Pink. Fucking Red Shirt.

Ephiphany 4. Never go all out with impressive Christmas presents. It is only better to give than to receive, if you are still receiving something worthwhile. A pair of baggy undies that probably cost $3 is not a fair match for the Tsubi top I brought you. Fuck you and your Undies.

I have epiphed enough for one morning.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Gayest Album Evah


This is the Gayest thing in the world. A Bunch of pasty 30 year olds. Singing Motown. Give me a friggen break?? Who is buying this shit? Do they have ears? Do they have eyes?

"Sugar Pie Honey Bunch" Shut up Assholes.

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Things I Do To Amuse Myself

One of my favourite things in the world to do - is send moronic faxes to large companies - either to complain about something stupid, or just freak them out.


I really hope I get a sponsorship deal. I don't mind being a corporate sellout.

Skank

I have never met this chick - yet I effing hate her guts.

Tiffani Wood.

Damn right Tiffani Wood. Tiffani Wood suck a dick. Tiffani Wood eat a kittens head. Tiffani Wood get fake implants. Tiffani Wood look like a slapper.

My hatred of Tiffani stems from her lucky-bitch fall into the public eye. She was REJECTED from the show Popstars (first season rocked) and hence - not asked to join Bardot. Yet, because one of the original girls chosen, happened to be a kelptomaniac and was forced to leave the group (or so the rumour goes) Tiffani was then given the sloppy seconds chance at being in the group again.

Sloppy Seconds? as the infamous Rizzo would say:

"Sloppy Seconds Aint My Style"

Scram Tiffani. She would go to the Opening of an Envelope.
Skanky Whore Flap Herpes Plastic Tranny Faced Smug Bitch.

Water Shmater

Last night something happened that will forevermore change the way I think about "hydration".

I have always scoffed at the suggestion of drinking 8 glasses of water a day - puh-lease.. water is soo friggin boring i'd rather lick an Indian's Asshole than drink 8 glasses of boring-ass bland H2O.

Do I look like a camel to you? why all the pressure to hydrate yourself so much? and with water of all things? what about milk? what about juice? what about Milo? what about Vodka? do these things not rate on the hydration scale?? apparently not.

THEN at the gym last night I stumbled across my hydration savior:

Mizone is The Shizzle. I should get offered a sponsorship deal by Mizone, that is how awesome it is. No more bland metallicy water for me! I am going to be sooo hydrated that you'll think a vaporising cloud entered the room when I enter it. I will be the master of atmospheric changes.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

If Rachel sees two spiders, and Mark sees three spiders, how many spiders have Mark and Rachel seen ??

the answer would be THREE spiders. (not five, as one might think)

(I missed out on one of the spiders - that coincidentally was trying to crawl into my shoes)

Spiders to Date:
Shower Spider - discovered by Me
Shoe Spider - discovered by Mark
Kitchen Spider - discovered by Mark

and just then we discovered another Spider, in the Loungeroom.

Can I just say how effing sick I am of finding Spiders?? and they aren't small Spiders - they are huge huntsmans that would eat you alive if given the chance.

Screw You Trees
Screw You Spiders
Screw You Mop (useless spider killing tool)
Screw You Anyone who thinks its cruel to kill spiders - go sleep in a tree if you love em so much.

Death to Spiders.

*is it just me or is the word "Spider" starting to look and sound really strange??

The KFC Chainsaw Massacre

PLOT: Basically I go into a KFC with a chainsaw and demand all their chicken skin. Then I go home and sew a suit out of it and wear it around.

mmmmmm greasey

That would be so awesome being able to nibble on myself whilst doing boring things like waiting for the bus, walking home, sleeping.

Then maybe I could dig a hole in my communal laundry and get some KFC chickens and hold them hostage whilst pouring seasoning on them "it puts the seasoning on its skin or else it gets the hose again"

Vegetarianism is for losers.

M-M-M-M-My Colonic

(to the tune of My Sharona - The Knack)

Dooo doo de de doo de dooo dee dooo dooo dee dee dooo deee dooo dee
MY COLONIC

When you gonna ring me back? Ring me back? I really need to book in MY COLONIC

Oohh I need my colonic done. I need it done. When you gonna be back to book in MY COLONIC

Never gonna stop, give it up. Such a dirty Ass. Always get it up for the touch of the anal lube. My my my i yi woo.

M M M My Colonic

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

A Tumbleweed Blows Past

:( I am sooo depressed right now I cant even muster the energy to type. My bestie is away for TWO WEEKS and that means I have noone to banter with on MSN all day.

We Banter the Best.. We can talk about nothing for 8 straight hours! Often I am laughing so much I have to answer the phone and pretend to have emphysema so noone catches onto the fact that i'm not working, but instead talking nothing with George. Plus when I am typing like a maniac, that makes me look busy and important.

Now I have noone to talk about nothing with. And the following nothing stories need to be aired:
  • I ate sooo much last night that I think I damaged my colon. Either that or Piles have snuck up on me during the night - I guess all those stories people told us about not sitting on concrete were true.
  • I booked in a Colonic Irrigation, with the option to watch the waste removal thru a screen - HELL YES! I wonder if they can tape it and give me a DVD at the end of the cleansing process
  • I ate a bag of seeds this morning and my bus was 30 mins late.

I cant believe I have two weeks of nothing to tell noone..

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Horseys

I went to Randwick Races on Saturday with Le Nads, and El. FUN FUN FUN.

POINT 1. Never ever go into the public arena with the plebs. Plebs are smelly and gross. It's membership area only for me from now on... for reals... I can't go back to stinkin PUBLIC grandstand. I may as well go and hang out with Whitey on the staircase and get fleas. They practically hand out samples of 'Revolution', so you dont sue the grandstand for all the fleas you'll catch. To Summarise: Members Area Rulz

POINT 2. Next time bring the following:
  • Horsey trinkets (brooches, necklaces) for looking hot and honing in good luck.
  • Post-its - for sticking KICK ME notes on the back of old people.
  • Fake $100 bills for leaving on the ground so we can steal their chairs when people get up.
  • Dead Bird Carcus - for hanging in my hair and looking gross but fashionable.
  • Only put money on the horses that have freakishly bad odds - Favourite Shmavorite. Only boring people put money on the favourite.
POINT 3. Never go to the races unless you want to see some hardcore 'jetclub' pashing action. This is the new sleaze bar, everyone was completely trashey, the girls were paraletic and the guys were sleazy in their suits and inflated egos from winning $900 in the last race of the day... I saw more tongueing in there than I did in my tongue exam at the dentist last month

POINT 4. Never trust the rich dude in the suit who says he has a 'bus' waiting outside.. he is lying. What he means is he really wants to shag someone, and apparently having a 'bus' is some sort of aphrodisiac to some chicks... whatever.. i'd rather catch a cab home and eat cheap chinese than get rohypnoled by sleazy rich guys.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Year 9 flashback

One of the actors on the books at my job - was my drama teacher when I was in High School. Today he brought in some photos for me to reminisce over.



I had a realllllly bad haircut and the mole who cut my hair gave a horrific fringe, that has since made me terrified of going to the hairdresser, and of fringes.

Aghhh Sooooooo glad that I dont have to wear an ill fitting sack to work, School Uniforms are so unsexual... it was an all-girls school, so I guess there is no point to making them sexy anyway.

Where for Art Thou Belinda?

My dreams really effect the way I live my life, I am a very 'vivid' dreamer - I can remember the tiniest details and most of my dreams are really whack. Specially when I've been eating cheese before I go to bed.

For instance - until i've had a dream about you - I probably wouldnt even notice that you exist or are part of my life - once you infiltrate my subconscious - then I know you're someone who I should be spending quality time with.

The other night I had a dream that I am still disturbed by.

I was at a year 6 reunion and my bestie from back then (Belinda) was there (who in real life was in a tragic accident), and when I woke up I was really sad. Sad because I missed her, and I wonder what she is doing with her life.

We were so naughty in school that they had to seperate us. So she is truly a kindred spirit - as my fav thing in the world to do - to this day, is be naughty.

Anyway - BELINDA BLANCO from Paddington Public School - Graduating Year 6 in 1991. I AM LOOKING FOR YOU.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Wanted: Job as an ELF

Normal is boring. I am so over my humdrum existence as a '9-5 person'.. I wanna be an Elf.

Being an Elf would be sooooo much cooler than just being me, I would be helping people and looking cute all day long.

The Pro's are far and wide: for instance;
  • Get to be Mischievous
  • Help People
  • Find Gold
  • Do Good Deeds
  • Wear Cute Outfits
  • Be friends with Frogs, Mice, & Princesses
  • Have massive Elf Parties and drink Cider
  • Be One-On-One terms with Santa
  • Ride Flying Reindeers
  • Wear adorable Elf shoes with curly toes and bells on them and jingle around all day

I really can't go on any longer just being me. I need to Elfify myself, luckily with christmas around the corner, I can get away with wearing elf hats and bells on my shoes.. any other time of year, and i'd probably get a few filthy looks from people who don't understand the magic of the Elf Lifestyle.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Usurped by my Cat

I knew this would happen one day.. All the time I am complaining to people how my cat only does a shit when i 'm in the shower, and steals my socks, and sleeps on my head so much that i literally coughed up a hairball..

Who would have thought that he would get a voice of his own and set the record straight? No wonder he asked for a "laptop" and "unlimited wireless internet" for christmas, instead of just a chicken carcus.

Check him out: http://lennythecat.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Tupac Junior

I received an update on my Mozambiquey, Worldvision Sponsor Child in the post last night. From the looks of it he is doing well, not that I suppose they would send out pics of your pitynigger lying in garbage with a bloated gut and flies hanging around his head - that is just bad business.

This is Tupac Junior ( or One-Pac, as I call him)


He is pretty friggen awesome, he is in grade 1, and has problems with learning Portuguese - if I could meet him, I'd say "listen one-pac, noone needs to know that shit anyway, all you need to know how to say in Portuguese, is 'Half a Chicken and Chips please' (from Nandos)"

His favourite animal is the Goat, nice choice. Cute, Useful and Delicious. It's not like there would be any wild 'burmese' cats roaming around mozambique anyway, so i'll forgive One-Pac for not nominating Lenny.

He also drew me this:

From the looks of it - that is a house, a football and a UFO. I think he is trying to tell me something - its cryptic as hell. Word Up little One-Pac.. I'll figure it out and we'll record a rap album together.

Jiggy.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Stench the Monster Out!!

Remember in Alice in Wonderland, how Bill the Lizard is told to "burn the housedown" and they'll "smoke the monster out", well I have a top, that I think could be used for the war-effort in smoking out Bin Laden.



The "cherry top" is made from some soft polyester material, that unbeknownst to me when I purchased it, is a BO magnet. Seriously, I was stenching it up badly at my desk at 10am, and I DO wear deoderant.

If we could somehow harness the power of The Stinky Top, and send them to the enemy hiding in the spider holes in the desert, we could surely stench them out.

The Stinky Top would work wonders in the deserts of Iraq, all that hiding undergound, and being smelly, noone would be able to resist coming to the surface for some clean air.

Smelly Fuckers.

Scavengers

Who left the rug outside of my place?
You better get this rug right out of my face.
I said, Who left the rug outside of my place.
You better get this rug right out of my face.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

DANGLE MAGAZINE

My Latest Venture..
I'm going to be a Brazillionaire. Sign up now for a transparent friendship with a rich fucker.

Anyone who wants their dick in my "home-dicks" section, feel free to have your girlfriends take some raunchy photos and send them on.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Sizzling Sydney Ferries

Is it just me or is this handle on the Sydney Ferries gang-plank kinda arousing??



Walk the plank eyyyyy matey... DAMN RIGHT. Wonder if that plank has any plans for the weekend?

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Petty Pen Shit

If there is one thing I am precious about, its Pens. Pens are crucial to my job, and life in general. So I HATE it when people either steal my pen, or break my pen.

This week I have had two fuckers come in and press too hard using my felt tip pen and now its all squished and doesn't write properly.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Yes, I am a loser. But fucking hell. Until Pens grow on trees, people need to learn to stay the fuck away from mine.

Lies

Exclusive Report. Berocca and Endorphins are complete bullshit.

Point One. I had a packet of Berocca expiring in my drawer so I decided to test the theory that 'a berocca keeps you going' by having one each morning. The only thing to happen was that my piss was fluro yellow, seriously, that stuff could have been seen from the moon. I did not feel any peppier or energetic.

Point Two. "Endorphins"... what a crock of shit. Apparently exercising releases endorphins that make you feel good, I clearly lack that gland. I have never "felt the rush". I have however "felt like i was gonna die", or "been unable to feel my legs". Don't try to trick people into exercising by telling them it makes them feel good, tell em the truth that fat people are disgusting and noone wants to see that shit jiggling down the street.

No-One loves a Fatty.

Word.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Kindness of Strangers

As you may well know, I have been stealing my neighbours mail. Lately I have been inundated with cards for the birth of my new baby. (and when I say stealing, I don't mean "stealing" stealing, they lived in my apartment over two years ago, and the fucksticks still haven't told anyone they no longer live there)

These are the latest cards to arrive:


Dear Phil and Michaela, Many congratulations on the birth of Claudia, what wonderful news. We are delighted for you. I hope mum and baby are doing well - both look georgous in the photos, and Michaela, I was very impressed at how calm you were looking, at birth plus one minute.

Well the only reason I can imagine the happy mother looking so calm is because she and "Phil" have become illegal refugee's and havent told anyone they have fled the country. Although it does seem strange for a couple who dont have the brains to tell their friends that they have moved, yet they still send out photos of mum covered in placenta and sweat with an alien hanging out of her. FREAKS.


To you both, Many congratulations on the arrival of Claudia Grace, Great Name, hope it all went well.

No offence Phil and Michaela, but if the way you raise your baby is anything like the way you update your friends on your new address, then that kid is going to be taken away by social services.

Also Claudia Grace is a kinda snooty name if you ask me, she seems like the kind of girl who would go to school with a note from her parents saying that unless she is allowed to have a bottle of Evian water on her desk at all times she will dehydrate you'll sue the school for negligence.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Be Sexy

Mark's Brothers Wedding filled the following Fun Criteria:


1. The Cliche of Love.
The Happy Couple Matt & Romina, may they have an eternity of wedded bliss ahead of them.
Although I hope that they don't take what the priest said about the wife having to 'submit' to her husband's authority for the rest of her life too seriously.. that seems kinda old school, and the sort of relationship that condones beating the shit out of your wife and turning a blind eye to domestic violence.

2. Fake Date One
My "Date" for the Ceremony. What better way to confuse the family when I show up for the wedding with a man who is not my boyfriend.


3. Cheap Parking
During the 4 hour wait in-between Ceremony and Reception, I took my date out for some fun in Downtown Cabramatta. Cabramatta rules!! $17 for Yum Cha (that is 6 dishes for two people) and even though we didn't try and get sold any smack, we still felt the experience was an achievment.


4. Fake Date Number #2
My Second Date for the Evening, what better way to confuse the family again by showing up with a girl with a shaved head, they clearly thought we were a lesbian couple, so much so, that mark's family showed concern that we weren't dancing together (he was in the bridal party, I wasn't - hence all the dates on my behalf)


5. Posing
Finally we did hook up for some couple-together-time, this is right before I got really D-R-U-N-K, and went in my Paris Hilton persona, and went around telling everyone to be sexy.


6. Traditional Ethnic Dancing
Who knew that the circle dance could be so fun, Heather and I caught onto the moves quickly, clearly my dance class skills are coming to fruition, although after 45 mins of the circle dance I was kinda over it.


7. I Dream of Jeannie
I took quickly to the customs of the Bride, thoroughly enjoying being able to hide behind a veil, and be sexy.


8. The Rules of Sexiness - That's Hot.
WOOOT! Drunky Drunk Drunk... I don't really remember too much of the evening, but apparently everyone thinks I am hilarious, too bad they didnt know my routine was totally stolen from The Simple Life, people really do enjoy being told they are sexy.

Friday, October 06, 2006

My Idea - by Rachel

I have an idea for some avante garde theatre.

TITLE: Why does the wheat grow long in Winter - A Monologue
VENUE: Outdoors - The Rocks
ACTOR: Mark Constable

Basically the show is Mark Constable (naked) on a tractor saying the Monologue whilst the engine is on idle.

"why does the wheat grow long in winter??" (de de de de de de TRACTOR ENGINE NOISES)

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Roy Idol

Roy from Sigfreud and Roy does Australian Idol:

(the maimed one is on the right)

In the Jungle, the quiet jungle the lion sleeps tonight *GROWL SWIPE*
In the Jungle the quiet jungle, the lion sleeps tongiht *GNAW*
Weeeeee oooooo wwwwweeeee oooooo weeeee ooo wimbahwayyyy *CLAW, MAIM, GOURGE*

KYLE: Way to go Mong.

It's actually hard to tell which freak was maimed by the Lion, they are both ugly as fuck, but one has the 'maimed by a lion' excuse, what does the other guy have? maimed by a solarium bed.

My One Weakness

I know that normal things for women to swoon over are shoes and handbags, I have my fair share of bags, but for me - my feet need to be comfortable at all times, so I shun the pressure of having glitzy feet.

Comfort truly is my one vice. I say this because I have an alarming amount of Blankets and Quilts.. and it's not like you can hide 10 blankets in a small drawer, No No, they are draped all over my aparment.

Just like women have shoes for different occasions, I have blankets for all types of temperature readings.

1. Super Heavy Quilt - good for winter and subzero temperatures
2. Medium Quilt - gets use in between May - August
3. Skanky Blanky - lightweight quilt that is practically a family heirloom, no thread count, just some fluff and ratty ends.. good for the lead up into summer
4. Emergency Double Quilt - used in guest sleepover situations, a blanket from my high-school days, lives in the loungeroom.
5. Red Super Blanky - velour luxury blanket, too good to use, lives on top of wardrobe, Lenny Sleeps on it.
6. Velour Lounge Room Blanky - not as classy as the red one, but good for snuggling on the couch with.
7. Tiny Useless Blanky - tiny and useless, "impulse" buy blanket.
8. Summer Cotton Weave Blanket - I need a blanket in summer, even though its 40 degrees, I cant sleep under just a sheet.

I salivate when I walk past 'Bed Bath & Table', Ikea catalogues are my Porn. The Bathroom Showroom in Cremorne is like a Manpower Show in my eyes.

I am probably the most domestic person you will ever meet. Nightclubs? PAH! give me my Peter Alexander Pyjamas and an arrary of Blankets to choose from. Some balsamic vinegar flavoured nuts and ginger beer. Unless Robbie Williams is headlining a club, I aint leaving the house.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Seconds from Disaster

Some days, when you walk up the hill to return your library books - nothing exciting happens. Other days - you narrowly avoid Death.



Had I been 30 seconds further up the hill, I would be smooshed underneath this car in the bushes, and the last place I would want to die is in a park on New South Head Rd.

Praise Jesus. He clearly has better plans for me. My time is not up. I will rejoice every moment likes it's my last. Now where is my Kit Kat??

Monday, October 02, 2006

Boogerlicious

The Booger

Direct from the New York Museum of Metropolitan Art. Who would buy this? It's clearly a booger.

Me and Nadz on The Booger

Nothin sexier than struttin' it on the booger.

Not My Cat

This is not my cat. But its a damned good lookin cat. Who could refuse a quick snorgle in the bedroom in between posing with the booger and chasing around the robot vaccum.

Elongated Weekend Accomplishments

Friday.
Worked on ass-groove in couch, watched Foxtel for hours and hours. Needed to use eyedrops as natural lubrication dried up around 3am.

Saturday.
Awoke early for Dance class at Fitness First, chose super-hot outfit to highlight tanned legs and thighs, hopefully outfit will distract people so they don't realise how shit I am at dancing. Notice a girl in matching shorts. Give out deathstares, and vow to trip her up. George and I try to learn routine.. I conquer the "elbow elbow slice" move, George perfects "the octopus"... Suck ass at the rest of the routine, do freestyle filmclip moves at the back of the class. Bump into the dance instructor in the locker room, thankfully, had pants on. She gives us cred for our stylish dance moves. Score.

Later, After afternoon nap and beautifying routine, meet George at Neutral Bay for Cheap Chinese and Bacardi Breezers at the bustop. Break into the Menzies Hotel, pretend to know a guest, use swishy bathroom. More beautifying in Hotel Lobby. Arrive in Redfern, keep an eye out for killers and rapists.

Enter Rockstar Apartment for Nadz' 35th Birthday, she is stunning and doesn't look a day over 25. I hope I am as hot as her when I am her age. Tour of Rockstar apartment. No Doors, Jacuzzi, Ragdoll Cat, Robot Vaccum Cleaner, Booger from the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art. Who the heck owns this apartment, Why does he want to go to the moon, He must be rich, does he have a brother ??

Feast on delish food, and pose with 'the booger'.

Bye Nadz, Get chaperroned down to the street, keep an eye out for pimps, ho's and drunken louts. Taxi Time. Go Home. Watch Foxtel for another 6 hours.

Sunday and Monday
Blur of achievments, 600 calories at the gym, clean bathroom within an inch of its life, clean the house, cook great food, act like Super-Wife. Foxtel Marathon. Make love to the Foxtel Box. Find curling wand, make hair look great for Tuesday.