Thursday, September 28, 2006

Disgusting Mythbusters

Everyone knows the show 'mythbusters' - well I want to see them cracking myths that matter. Disgusting shit. What do I care if you can burn a boat with a mirror?? I want the following tested out:

PERIOD LEAKAGE - the myth they tell us girls, is that you only seep out a couple of teaspoons worth.. pffffffft.. yeah right, clearly a man came up with that theory, it feels like a litre. I think this should be tested by a chick with her rags sitting on a bucket for a week and measuring the amount exactly.

JIZZED TO THE ROOF - I have heard the phrase "jizzed to the roof" many times, is it possible though? I reckon if you had about 200 guys jizz on you, and layed really still you might stick to the ground? wheather or not you would stick there when upside down is another story... a myth that defintiely needs rectifying.

PROTEIN FACIAL - they say, that sperm is really good for the face because it is full of protein and living entities. Men just say that so they can feel like pornstars when they come all over your tits. This theory needs proof, 4 girls, all different ages, getting jizzed on everynight for a week. If this works, bye bye Olay Regenerist, I've got my own sack of nightcreme with a lifetime supply sleeping in the bed next to me.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Mail Fraud

What I am about to divulge, could possibly land me in Jail. But I'll just assume that no cops read this - afterall, the URL isn't www.donuts.com.

It's in regards to where the Romper came from that my cat is daringly modelling in the post below.

Well - the truth is......... I kinda stole it.

You see, the people who lived in my unit before me (Michaella and Phillip) didn't redirect their mail when they moved, so for the past two years I have been receiving bills, magazines, bank statements. Usually we just leave them at the mailbox with "not at this address" for the postman to collect when he returns the next day.

But not always.

For instance - if it looks like a card or a present, i'm keeping it! During Christmas I get lots of cards for them......I hang them up.

People come over and are like "nice card!"... and i'm all "thanks, but it's not for me".

I also get postcards from their friends when they go overseas. I keep em. Stick em on the fridge. Just becuase I don't know the people on the holiday doesn't mean I can't appreciate their Holiday sentiments.

So when a box arrived postage stamped LONDON on my doorstep, and felt very "presenty" I had to open it. Curiosity will get the best of me. I was kinda disappointed it was just a baby-jumpsuit, but hey! i'll just keep it for my un-born child one day.

Thanks anonymous strangers from London! I'm sure 'Claudia' will enjoy wearing it (in 10 years time). But in the meantime, Lenny is getting his money's worth.

The Number #1 Reason

The number one reason why you shouldn't send me baby clothes (besides the fact that I don't have children and am not pregnant)



Despite the behest of society, I remain un-fertilised.
Is it wrong that Lenny was purring like a mo-fo for the duration of the humiliating dress-up game ??

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Mysteries of Magic Vag

Some women have Magic Vag, and you never know when it's going to hit. I know I used to, one minute you're sitting at home watching Dawson's Creek (yes this was many years ago) and the next, you've just shagged 2 guys in the space of 2 hours.

Hot to Trot.

Its a mystical thing - when Magic Vag strikes.

A good friend of mine had Super-Magic-Phantom-Vag the other week. Many Lovers, Good Times... All thanks to Magic Vag.

Some women have continuous Magic-Vag, how else can you explain a sexy guy wanting to go out with a fugmonster from hell for over 2 years??

I wish they made mini-SUPER-capes that I could strut around in, so the world would know when Magic-Vag was on the prowl.

Da Da Da Da Da Da Da
Ma-a-gic Vag, Vag, Vag, Vag.
Ma-a-gic Vag.
MAGIC VAG!!!

I think it also helps having a brazillian.

The ultimate Magic-Vag story revolves around a girl who must have the gates to fucking heaven up there - as her 'lover' brought her a very fancy Tiffany's Diamond Ring...for no reason! Magic-Vag-to-the-Max

Word Up Sister.

Chicks dig Pookie



Cheep Cheep (whore)

Sunday, September 24, 2006

The Stroggles Album

The Stroggles have very exciting news, they have been working hard this weekend to produce the first four songs that will appear on the forthcoming album - MINUTE MUSIC.

Songs for your enjoyment are showcasing on their myspace page The Stroggles

Song List:

Cat Scratch Melody
Metronome
I got no E
Check 1, 2

This comes at a very exciting time, as The Stroggles recently killed it, at their gig in the Gaelic Club, and support supporting support, to the White Stripes.

Have a listen and let The Stroggles rock your world.

STROGGLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Die Spiders!

Summer is upon us, I know this because Spider Season has begun.

The first Spider of the season, is the Bathroom Spider.


Who scared me pantsless when I was in the shower, I called out to mark; "poookies!!! come in here please" and he came in and was all manly and killingly, whilst I stood naked and freezing.



Don't they realise by now, that their spidery presence will not be tolerated?!

Die Spiders Die.


NOTE: to all the 'right to life' jerks out there - I fully support a Spiders right to life, just not when I am naked and vunerable, I only kill them when they invade my personal space, It's not like I go hunting them down in their own environment.

Gym Outfit

I am a staunch believer that the more ridiculous you look, the more calories you burn.

I should be a stick insect in no time then.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

The Pinger Daily

Reports are in that the NSW Police have seized a drug haul of cocaine with a street value of over $30 Million and an exstacy load worth $1.5 Million.

When we take these numbers into account, we can expect the cost of buying pingers to rise. This comes at a particularly bad time - when the summer party season is upon us.

It's a sad state when junkies don't have the spirit to get up in the morning and shake their crackblankets off. In a season that is supposed to be fraught with muggings and break-ins, many junkies do not see the point - as the cost of the ping is just too high.

With New Years Eve just around the corner, tensions are high on the street, Junky McCrackwhore goes on location to suss out how the Nation will deal with the Pinger Inflation Crisis.

Miss Dumbarse Snootypants says; "Crackheads have even stopped pestering me to buy shutters "come on man *scratch scratch* i got 10 kids to feed. Come on! Buy some shutters" Even the fact that I don't need shutters isn't enough to break a junkies spirit anymore"

So whilst we look forward to a summer of intese brain-frying heat, we will unfortunately have no mind enhancing drugs to drain the time away.

Now, Not only can I not afford to buy bananas, I cant afford to fill my car up with petrol, and I cant buy drugs.

Boo You Police.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

See ya in Two Years

I am getting Foxtel *cha cha cha*
Don't bother trying to reach me.
I am unavailable for the next two years.

I need time to work on my ass-groove in the couch, and catch up on all the great episodes of; The Wonder Years, Roseanne, Melrose Place, 90210.

So friggin excited!

If I was a guy, I'd have a boner.

Friday, September 15, 2006

No Phone

Basquiat didn't have a phone, instead, people had to send telegrams if they wanted to get in touch with him. That is so great. Plus then people would really think about what they wanted to say to you.

I would love to live in a world without "umms, ahhhs, and sooooo's"

My ODE to Basquiat.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Escape Plan #725

I worry a lot.. I worry about what I would do if say the earth was under attack from; Terrorists, Aliens, or Zombies.

These are my plans for staying alive should the inevitable occur in my lifetime.

TERRORISTS
Run, Run, Run, and Run some more... the general public are morons, so whilst they are standing around staring at burning buildings and being too scared to move, I will run my ass off and hide at home till they are gone. Lucky I have a Sex and the City boxset and a FRIENDS boxset to keep me occupied.

ALIENS
*when* aliens land and start analing probing us and harvesting our blood to fertilise the land, I will be safe in Alice Springs.. I don't think there is a better place to hide really.. Why would the Aliens go to Alice Springs?? plus if they did go there - you could cover yourself in dirt and lie really still and they would probably just think you were a rock.

ZOMBIES
I would steal a boat and hide out. I don't think its necessary to actually sail the boat out to sea, as Zombies would be afraid of the water, so I will keep it moored and do stealth trips back onto land to get food.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The "I Aint Got No Kid" song

More people I know are having kids.. childbirth scares the hell out of me... and this inspires me to sing a song.

I aint got no kid
Cos my uterus is running down my leg.

I aint got no kid
Cos I got blood seeping out of my vag.

I aint got no kid
My uterus lining just wants to be free.

I aint got no kid
I got my rags, that makes me happy.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Birds - The Reckoning

And on we go with the Cultural Landscape that so marks our great city, and defines us as a nation (if we were to compare ourselves to birds)

The Cunting Magpie

Total Cunt... Loud, obnoxious, got a ego on it the size of china.. is what I colloquially refer to as "the lebanese of the sky".

The Weirdo Pelican

Freak, Loner, Enjoys having a ridiculously huge beak and carrying fish around in it - what some might refer to as a hoarder of useless junk, has nits and smells, unaware of imposing size and freakish demeanor. Is trying to be a swan with its long neck, but ultimately is too weird to take seriously.

Pinging Owls

Know it all who stares at you in an un-nerving manner. Comes up to you at a club and says "hey I dont want to have sex with you because i'm gay".. and you're like "wtf?".. Random. It's not often you see an Owl, but when you do - its memorable.

Dickhead Miner Birds

Conformists. Dickhead "group" mentality. Gang up on someone then run away and cry when you put the hose on them. "short man syndrome" - trying to be Magpies, but failing. Would probably gang rape a chick just to impress their losery friends.

Someone think of the Children.

So, its not ok for a cartoon cat to smoke a cigar, but its ok for a robot in Futurama to call another robot a "slut" at 7pm.

That's great! as long as our kids aren't smoking, its ok for them to have the foulest mouths in the land.

What about other un-PC cartoon themes?

Pepe Le Pew (aka - Rapist) teaching our kids that its ok to stalk a woman, and corner her in an alley and force yourself upon her.. Nice One.

And my personal favourite - the ultimate stoner - SLOWPOKE RODRIGUEZ .

What a cool guy - perpetually whacked out of his brain, stares danger in the face and couldn't care less. Lives in a whorehouse with a rat who is constantly speeding out of his mind.

Monday, September 11, 2006

We are all made of Birds

Sydney needs a new icon, something that we can proudly get behind and use as our mascot.

Sydney is a city full of life, and all different walks of people, from varying socio-economic backgrounds, many diverse ethnicities, and a tonne of freaks.

I think that Icon, should be The Pigeon.



The Pigeon is the representation of a society of scabbers, sitting in puddles, dealing with day to day shit, everyone thinking you have fleas and avoiding you in the street, yet still finding the time do a jig in the rain, even though they may be homeless and eat donuts they find in the bin, at least they are content with their lowly position in the world.

Other Cultural-Icons you will find in Sydney are:

The Smelly Ibis

Smelly Scavengers with no idea, who invade your personal space, and steal things from you - not unlike a Taxi Driver who charges you $56 for a trip from the Airport to Mosman (jerk) or a Hooker who accosts you while you're parking your car and goes "yeeeeh you wanna get some".... and you thusly have to drive thru a carwash to get herpes off your door-handle.

The Bitchly Cockatoos

SCEGGS sluts who are in a clique and laugh at you behind your back. They have been friends forever and probably hate each other, but are too involved in out-doing each other to move on.

The Kookaburra Wannabe

Looks good, but has more fleas than anyone else.. Pretty much the Lindsay Lohan of the bird world.

The Drunken Seagull

Is not aversed to eating food off the floor, or hanging out with a bunch of losers. Enjoys getting drunk, swigging dregs in leftovers found at the bar, eating stale nuts. A good pal to have around, cept you can't actually admit to being friends with them.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Hens Hell

I had my sister 'squared' (that means sister in-law, in-law)'s Hens Night today.

Point One. RAIN + WIND does not equal fun.
Point Two. RAIN + WIND + Randwick Racecourse, does not mean you will see me in a dress despite the prejudice sighted against me.

Upon getting to the racecourse in my Jeans, Boots, Jumper, Jacket, Scarf I walked up and down, and up and down, and up and down some more looking for the friggen entrance... did I mention the rain + wind?? (Anger Levels = 2)

So, eventually I get jack of the walking, and decide to ask a security guard with no teeth where the "plebs" get in because all I see are wanky member entrances.. he points me in the right direction.

I walk past what I can only describe as a Preppy-Sceggs-Slut... who has her b/f holding the umbrella over her head cos she has a bandaged knee, and crutches,...she then has the gall to say to me "pfffffft nice outfit".. (Anger Levels = 3)

I should have called out after her "nice crutches!!"

I get into the racecourse and some guy calls out to me "nice hat!" .. and I yell at him "yeah well at least i'm not in a stupid dress freezing my arse off!"... he crestfallenly replies "I think you look nice".. I stopped yelling at him long enough to say "thanks", and most likely turned him off giving compliments to random screeching harpie bitches for the rest of his life.

Nothing says Family Fun Time like drinkin champagne at 11.30 am (specially with another sister squared who has a penchant for alcoholism, as the last time we hung out she tried to get onto me then threw a glass at my head).. we had to stand outside in the rain because Mother-In-Law-To-Be insisted on bringing an esky and a picnic basket with her and we weren't allowed in the grandstand.

Also, nothing says classy like 'Chicken in a Biscuit', whistles shaped like penis', and a flashing neon badge saying "BRIDE TO BE"

Call me a snob, but I could not get out of there fast enough.

Friday, September 08, 2006

On a Night Like This

You know when you go out with with a guy, then you beg him to put on your Kylie Minogue Souvenier undies, so he does...

Then you beg him to allow you to take a photo as long as you never show another living soul.

Then he tries to destroy the evidence, and you tell him that you got rid of the photos ages ago in a cleaning spree...

But you lied.

I am a liar.

Help

Dear Doctor Love,

I have a rather unusual question.

A "friend" of mine revealed to me that when she her and boyfriend are getting amorous, he gets really sweaty shins....really sweaty.

Is this normal?

It doesn't seem normal, granted I dont have a penis so I'm unsure if there are sweat glands that are magically connected to the scrote.

My shins don't sweat up if i'm orgasming.... Why would his??

Love,
Sweaty Towel Girl

xx

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Freak


Yes, I walk my cat... on a leash.. in graveyards.



And don't bag out my "park pants" I got them specifically for walking the cat in the graveyard.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Idol Hate Mail

Another 14 year old who hates me: (regarding my bashing of Australian Idol)

idolobcessed: smart asses like you should just *** off.and 1 more thing if you were hot u would have a display pic

like this?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Aus Idol

My favourite thing about Australian Idol season, is the forums. I can kick anyone's ass in a battle of wit (as long as they are under 14 years old)

My First Official Bashing:

imnotmyidol:
1. That "Bobby" has that disease that Eric Stoltz so perfectly enacted in the movie MASK with Cher. His name was "ROCKY", so henceforth Bobby shall be referred to as Rocky.. I hope he sings "turn back time" as a homage to the great singer.
This man just proves that it's dangerous to drink alcohol whilst pregnant.
2. Siblings?? I can't believe people gave those rejects the pity-vote, are you forgetting how terrible Courtney Murphy was?? And that Emily came 2nd!! only losers come 2nd!
Summarise: Less Freaks and Pity-Siblings. More Hot Guys
.

BRING IT ON 14 year olds...

The Battle continues here... I must warn you, there are peanuts being thrown around - mostly at me, but also at Rocky.

Brats

Dear Neighbour,

Thank you for letting your screaming child play outside my window this morning at 6am.

Why you felt the need to lock your child outside though is beyond me?? Maybe your child is a bastard and you realised just as I did, that you didnt want them anywhere near you.

PS. My Ovaries hate you.
PPS. My Uterus does too.

Monday, September 04, 2006

RIP Crocodile Man


RIP Steve.

Deadness Update: Most Likely Dead.
Villain Update: Death to all Stingrays... never trust a Ray.

LATER .........

Update Update: Definitey Dead.
Sadness Factor: Pretty Sad (poor Bindi!)

At least he died doing what he loves, and to be honest, he was living on borrowed time - anyone who frollicks with Crocs / Dangerous Creatures for a living knows the risks....

Khaki Pants are a definite necessity for a RESPECT vigil.

What Weekend??

Weekend FLEW by?? where did it go??

The Gym - my personal opinion, is the more ridiculous you look, the more calories you burn... hence my pink legwarmers, tiny green shorts, and WINDANG SUX t-shirt was a hit! (although Mark wouldn't walk near me and pretended he didn't know me - and said I looked like an escapee from the set of the Footloose Filmclip)

The Porn Shop - Brought new porn on Saturday, from the EMO guy who works there.. he was very educational actually.. "Jenna Jameson is out, this new slut is in"... we were torn between one with Bella Donna doing a wee and sucking a dick through a hole in the wall - OR - Anal Island..

The Oaks - $16 for a salad?? I think Not..I'll smuggle in my Turkish Pide from across the road... how is it midnight already? I swear I was only there half an hour.

2nd Porn Shop - Ok.. the porn shop is open at 1.30 on a Sunday afternoon, but not open at midnight on a saturday "the sexing hour" ??? wtf!

Fathers Day - For once I ordered the right thing! I am always jealous when people order something better than me, and for once I ordered the coolest thing on the menu. Seafood Risotto - came with half a crab and a bowl for my juicy fingers... mmm messy.

Genocide & Porn - It's not right to watch 'Anal Island' after watching a doco about the genocide in Rwanda...

Perve-Ball - Its not right when Lenny is watching Mark and I do unspeakable things to each other.. damn pervy cat!

Rapping - The Stroggles have a new song coming out - its a RAP song.. called PCK (Punch, Coathanger, Kick).. basically its the final resort you go to when you're pregnant and you don't want to be: Punch em in the stomach, coathanger the foetus, and kick em down the stairs.

Gonna PCK you straight to the head, If you are pregnant, your baby is gonna be Dead... WORD

Friday, September 01, 2006

She-Porn

I joined the library last week, and have rented out some She-Porn.. So far.. a little disappointed... they have made out once, and done a little boob groping.

Where is all the 'throbbing man member' stuff?? or 'he entered her lonliness'.. etc ??

Granted I did get slightly horny reading it - but i was in public on the ferry and thought if anyone saw me reading she-porn they would know EXACTLY what i was up to... So I hid it, and pretended that I wasnt horny anymore.

Just have sex already!! I rented it purely on the basis of the cover and there havent been any field romps yet.

Ripped Off.

Too Cute

I don't really agree with petstores, it's always sad to see the dogs with thier hopeful eyes looking at you when you leave the store with nothing.

But these dogs looked to be having a pretty ok time.



Which is more than I can say for the dead mexican fighting fish.