Thursday, August 31, 2006

Poxy the Bride

My Mum called up to tell me about some poxy wedding dresses you can buy from China... and they can be 'altered'... yay!

No Thanks! I don't want to get married in a $185 Satin-Spew Nightmare.

Maybe it's just me, but I think you need to respect the dress you get married in.

The first time she got married was in a borrowed dress (whose owner was murdered by her husband.)

Who was surprised that marriage ended in divorce? Not Me. It's not a good omen when the owner of the dress you borrowed, dies, specially at the hands of the one she married in the dress in the first place.

I dont know what she wore to her second wedding - but it was some 'native' Indonesian Fugmonster..again.. second divorce... we all saw that coming.

And now she's looking at Sweat-Shop-Chinese-Satin-Poxy-Nightmare Dresses.

I predict that the third wedding will also end in Divorce... Or at least it will if you wear a cheap dress.

Clav Action

I have been on the pill since I was 16, because I was a total slut and my mum thought i'd get pregnant and live in the garage with my kids and husband forever. Ok that's not true... But I have been on it for 10 years and I think it's time to give my body a break.

So I stopped taking the pill recently, and it wasn't to have babies, it was to lose weight. How funny would it be if I did get pregnant and gained 20kg... NOT.

I think (once again) that my boobs are getting smaller.
I am obsessed with my boobs, I cant help it. I love them.

Also being sick last week has thrown my Clav Action into overdrive, I am almost Mischa Barton, you can practically clip things on there.

Whilst being skinny and sick does have its perks, I dont like losing weight off the chest.

Should I go back on the pill? purely for boob-fat purposes?

Pffffft "adulthood"



YUMM!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Confession #339873

One time, I was up realllllly early - so early that I watched the sunrise. Ok - I had been at Home Nightclub and dropped a pill - then realised the club was closing so I went home and danced in my kitchen with my headphones on for 3 hours...

Anyway - I got sick of the kitchen so I danced up to the Newsagent to buy supplies, so I could do "pinging art"... the newsagent owner thought I was a freak, specially when I helped him move the newspapers into the store.

On the way home I saw a guy sleeping in his car, and it made me sad. So I went back to the newsagent and brought a christmas card, wrote "it'll get better - Merry Christmas Stranger" and put it under his windscreen wiper.

I hope it did get better for him.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Tax Return 2006

I did my own tax-return this year. Woo Hoo Go-Me! that is almost as exciting to learn how to blow balloons up or tie your own shoelaces (both of which I learnt to do at Pizza Hut - where have all the good family fun restaurants gone??)

I don't see what is so hard about doing a tax return? I claimed for all sorts of crazy shit.

If anyone from the ATO is reading this, I did NOT claim for any crazy shit.. I claimed for all purely legitimate stuff.

including:

$2800 - Travel Expenses
I had to go to New York to see Spamalot.

$1600 - Clothing Expenses
Work makes me dress up a lot.. I can't very well turn up to work on 'dress like a pirate-wench' day without a pirate wench outfit??

That goes doubly for 'dress up as an echidna day'.. took me ages to put together that pointy suit...either way.. I dont make the rules... if you need a written authorisation saying that it really was "converse and Mavi day" at work I can get something to you on my work's letterhead.. just dont call my boss... she doesn't like talking to strangers.

$17, 800 - Other Work Related Expenses
Hey if you're going to have heading as vague as "other" well expect me to claim for a bunch of random shit.
  • Gigantic rubber vibrator - to use as an 'erasor' at work - should i ever need a giant rubbery penis shaped erasor to rub out a giant penis shaped mistake.
  • Mooks Sunglasses - for wearing to the play that was outdoors
  • Gucci Boots - for wearing to the play that was indoors
  • Trip to LA to stalk Christian Bale - needed to know what the real Batman looked like for a reference for the KFC commerical I was casting for.

cant wait for my tax return cheque .. or jail.... either way.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Soooooooooooooooo Lazy

Saturday for some, would have been full of picnics, walks in the park, bbq's with friends, or hanging with ones head in the toilet.

Mine wasn't even that interesting.

Some days I like doing sweet F.A

I arose at 12.30, took my blanket to the couch where I routinely turned myself much like rotissery chicken into two different positions - watching the TV or facing away from the TV.

I watched about 20 Episodes of FRIENDS. I literally didn't move for about 5 hours.
Sooooooooooo Lazy.

I only realised how disgusting it was when Mark came home and was like "what is that smell!"

Apparently there was some stench permeating from the garbage - but I was so busy basting in my own stench that I didn't notice.

mmmmmmmm Lazy.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Out Generation's Hardship

Old people are always whinging about how hard they had it back in the day; with the 'depression'... 'world war II'..... the recession of the 80's..etc

well what about us??

does anyone care about the shit our generation has to deal with.

Let me tell you - in the years to come there wont be a dry eye in the house when we recount the great Banana Famine of 2006.

It's awful. On Sunday I ordered breakfast at the Angry Lesbian Cafe in Glebe, and to my horror!!! there were no banana smoothies.

stinks!

I'm all sick from lack of potassium, I fear for our children's children.

SIDE NOTE: WTF? why aren't they shipping in bananas from Coff's Harbour - land of the BIG BANANA?? or is that all a cover up for smuggling diamonds?

I SURVIVED THE BANANA FAMINE OF 2006!!!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Don't stand so close to me..

I stink.
I havent left the house in two days.
I have had one 'bath' the entire time.. and i didnt fully submerge myself either.
My pyjamas are melded to my body.
My hair is a helmet - I could ride a bike, fall off and not get brain damage.

But no matter how stinky, fugly, poopy, vomity, disgusting I am.
I am still better looking than Cameron Diaz on a good day.

Also, I dont know if its all the sickness or lack of electrolites in my body.. But I am finding Noah Taylor strangely attractive.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Girt??

"our home is girt by sea"

What the fuck is that?
Girt is such a NON-word.
When has one ever used the term "girt" in casual conversation.

Whoever wrote those shitty lyrics, their face will be girt by my fist. (if only I knew who they were.)

Girt? Get Fucked

Again - Ecky Tuesday Sucks.

Ecky Tuesday

I hate Ecky Tuesday.. its up there with Christmas, and Birthdays as being the stupidest day ever.

I am picking fights with everyone, and everything.

"Stupid Desk! way to be Brown!"
"Stupid Bile! tastes disgusting"
"Stupid Shoes! way to squeak when I walk"
"Stupid Seafood Salad! you stink"
"Stupid Telstra Tech-Support! bunch of fucking retards"

In a way - I am tad over the whole Exstacy thing - which was made apparent on my night out on Saturday when some pinging 18 year old came up to me and said:

*GRIND GRIND GRIND* "are you on it??" *GRIND GRIND GRIND*

Leave me alone Random, my days of meeting randoms at clubs and talking shit are over.

Stupid Tuesday.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

The Cost of a Night

$150 - 1/2 gram of coke - missing after it fell out of the trusty hiding spot.
(note: never put your eggs in another man's basket. Or if you're gonna hide the stash in your undies in between your nutsack and your willy - at least make sure it can't escape)

$180 - parking fine. Fuck Off.

Having a D&M in the skanky bathroom for 2 hours... Priceless.


We should do more sleepovers.
Sleepovers are soo under-rated.

Rebel Rebel.

On the evening of Saturday August 19th - a group of us went to Rebel Rebel.. this is the transcript from the evening as penned in my diary at 2.30am in the middle of the dancefloor.

The first band you see is the band that either makes you love music or want to shoot all musicians.

The first band that played tonight was a jihad on music.

Plus I think the singer was a rabbi.... weird.

Surely that sort of music is against everybody's religion.

The new dance of the night is the one where you wear your thongs on the dancefloor and they stick really badly and you look like an emu on heat.

I hate everybody at this club right now.. (except; Heather, Mark, Quentin, Aggi, Andy, George - even though she went home, and Duncan for getting us in with the VIP list. Even though there were no wristbands, at least we didnt have to pay or stand in the dumb line with the EMO teenyboopper losers)

What a bunch of supre-loving-pretentious-EMO-Losers.
Hello?? Do you pay taxes?? I think not.
You dont even have the right to use my roads or libraries.
No Libraries for EMO people!!

"do you mind moving to the other side of the club - we're taking a photo"

Bunch of posewhores. This isn't London. No matter how hard you try.

There is only one Pete Doherty and living seems to disagree with him.
I've never known a guy whose hobby is "staying alive" - but that to me sums up Pete Doherty.
What does Kate Moss see in Pete Doherty?? He's not a very good father figure to her daughter.

The fathers of our future generation are a fallicy.

God I wish I had earplugs.
Or anything to stick in my ears.
I would settle for re-growable appendages. I'd rip my thumbs off my hand right now and stuff it in my ears.

Does it have to be so loud???

Friday, August 18, 2006

Oops Indeed

Letter of Ceasefire:

We Surrender Flowers:


Nobody Tangles with The Rach and ends up unscathed.
You're best to run for the hills.
Or invest in pretty flowers and Thai Takeaway.
Vengeance Has Its Thorns.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Garnier can go fuck itself!! Twice!

so, I died my hair tonight....

Thought I'd picked up the same box as before.

HELLO! Firecrotch Head!!!

WTF??? Oh yay, now my regrowth is orange.

Sick.

Fuck Off and Die Garnier.
Die Die Die.

I have a party to go to on Saturday and I cant go looking like one of Lindsay Lohans pubes landed on my head and fused with all the others to form one giant flaming headcrotch.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Franchise Package Deals

The best Franchise to buy would be a package deal that combines:

  • Brazillian Waxing
  • Boost Juice
  • Sushi Train

The Tag could be: NOBODY WANTS HAIR ON THEIR SUSHI

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Stupid Parents

Just because you can create life doesn't give you the right to screw with your offsprings minds.

a "friend" of mine, when he was a child was told to always tuck his shirt into his undies so that it didn't become untucked.

One day I walked in on him mid-shirt-undie-tucking, I promptly yelled at him "why the fuck are you tucking your shirt into your undies nerdburger?"

To which he said that his dad had always told him to do so.

Yeah when you were like 7 years old!!! Its been 20 years since then! I think its ok to let gravity do its course.

Nerd.

There is a huge list of stupid things out there that parents tell their kids that are not true; about not drinking from hoses, not to stand behind a horse, its ok to wipe your bum with leaves if pissing in the woods.

Can't wait to have a kid and fuck it up.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Kelly Alice

Go Check Out Kelly Alice's Portfolio

If she's a model - then I am a mexican hat.

Dance around the Mexican Hat! Dance!

New Disease

I have discovered a new Disease!!
Which if you think about it.. isn't a good thing.

This is what I call: Tineafelinefootitus.

Basically what happens is, You have really bad tinea on your toes, and have a huge gaping wound in your foot - then you stand on a piece of kitty litter which in turn enters your blood stream and gets lodged in your brain.

You then begin to think and act like a cat..

I could really do with some raw fish and a scratching post right about now.

As far as I know there is no cure.. unless you sneeze and the kitter litter dislodges itself and flies out your nose.

The Biggest Westie

Yesterday, whilst sitting on the ferry, I was reading MX and came across a story that disgusted me to my bones.

Adro - the winner from last years Biggest Loser is writing a book, opening up a chain of weight loss centres, and making a documentary about the surgery he's getting to remove his excess skin.

Disgusting.

Adro is the biggest westie since Stormy and Chenise from 'Honey we're Killing the Kids'...

Can't wait to watch that doco... will it come with your own complimentary vomit bag?

Sunday, August 13, 2006

My First Driving Lesson

I had my first driving lesson on Sunday.
YES, I am 26 and NO I don't have a licence... so sue me! Does everyone have to drive?? There is so much licence prejudice out there.

"I see blue skies, Through the tears, In my eyes... And I realise.... I'm going home"

That would have been a much more poetic thing to say to the driving instructor rather than pulling over (without signalling) and saying "just take me the FUCK home!!"

I hate driving.

This fuckwit basically held onto the steering wheel the entire time of our lesson (10 mins) and was a total Irish Fugly Fat Old Man CUNT.

I was so traumatised that I came home and ate a bowl of popcorn, some salsa, a bag of Doritos and 3 Golden Roughs.... and had a cry-fest for about 2 hours...that's ok though, its nice to have a good cry sometimes.

Learning to Drive is negating all my good work at the gym, So therefore I refuse to ever drive again.

Hey guess what motherfucker "John" from ABC Drive School!
I figured out which finger to use for turning on the blinker (he actually yelled at me because I was using more than one finger to turn the indicator on)

The Life of Luxury

Last year Mark and I brought a $600 'Lovesac' for the spare room so we could veg out and watch DVD's in there.

At least someone is getting their money's worth.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Results!!

I have been going to the gym for a month now and I have had my first weigh in.

I have lost 3.1 kilos.. and the biggest surprise of the day is that I am actually taller (???)
I knew I was hunching last time - as I am 5'9 and proud.

ding ding ding!

I'm gonna go celebrate with pizza and chocolate mousse.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

PUSSY! PUSSY!

Today I was giving a casting to a cantakerous, deaf, old man.

One of the lines I had to tell him was 'Pussy'.

There is nothing worse than telling an old deaf guy his line is a derogatory term for vag.

ME: So then you say Pussy and storm off.
OLD GUY: say what?
ME: Pussy
OLD GUY: tutti???
ME: PUSSY
OLD GUY: Can you spell it??
ME: PUSSY! PUSSY! P-U-S-S-Y. PUSSY!

get a hearing aid old man!

I hate the gym

I officially HATE the gym.

Last night whilst Mark was copping a feel, he asked me if my boobs were getting smaller

!!!!!!!

Way to kill a mood.

I don't think they're getting smaller, but as they say - the first thing you lose weight off is your boobs... well this effing stinks!!! I want a flat stomach not a flat chest!

It's hard to judge... so I need an objective witness.

ARE THEY GETTING SMALLER??

WEEK 1:

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

New Word for Websters Dictionary

ZELEB

Zeleb - adj: 'Zeh-Leb'

A person who is a Z-Grade Celebrity.
Washed up reality TV star, famewhore, wannabe who would go to the opening of an envelope.

Continues to invade the mediasphere with their presence on crappy quiz shows and guess appearances in shopping centres.

Just fuck off and die.

Poop Story

This post is about poop and birds.. so don't read if you dont want to read about poop .. or birds eating poop for that matter.. and when I say poop - i mean MY poop.

.....................................

Turn back now if Poop Stories aren't your thing.

Ok... we're off.

I have been eating a lot of Soy-Linseed bread lately.. and today whilst pooping I noticed that there were un-digested seeds on the paper.

Theoretically - these seeds are still good to go.

I reckon I could pick off said seeds and feed em to the birds.

Granted it would take about two years of scrounging for seeds, but I feel it would be worth it to see the looks on the happy birds faces when I feed them their seeds.

I will also need to buy a large large bottle of Dettol Handwash.

Mmmmm Linseeds.

Publicity Machine

One of the Actors I work with has to fill out a zany form for Publicity for his show.

I'm jealous.

Why doesn't anyone want to do any publicity on meeeeeeee ??

Screw You! I'll do my own Publicity!

5 Things Publicity Whore Loves
1. Snuggling
2. Being cosy and having a stomach full of yummy food
3. Getting off my head and putting on wet socks, and putting said socks in the freezer, microwave for a new sock sensation on my feet.
4. Filling in forms - I did the census and had a ball!
5. Pretending i'm in a filmclip when I walk along with my headphones in.

5 Thing Publicity Whore Hates
1. Papercuts
2. Squatting and Scooping out turds in kitty litter at 3am
3. Blanket Stealers
4. Having a skinny ana bitch cut in front of me at the gym to steal my machine
5. Deli's that rip you off.

5 Celebs Publicity Whore has worked with, counts as a friend, hangs out with, has walked past in street.
1. Daniel Johns from silverchair.. I stalked him enough throughout highschool to consider him a friend.
2. Lenny Kravitz - walked past me in New York..
3. Jai from 'Queer Eye' - also walked past me in New York (we even had eye-contact)
4. Michael Bolton - my mums dickhead boyfriend was his uni-roommate, so we had dinner one night.. and got to ride in a limosine.
5. Patrick Swayze - I had a photo taken of me with a cardboard cut out.

Publicity Whores 5 favourite films
1. Pootie Tang - "Sepatown"
2. Napoleon Dynamite - "Way to stay home and eat all the freakin chips!"
3. The Dark Crystal - "trial by stone"
4. Poltergeist - "y'all mind hanging back? you're jammin my frequency"
5. Requiem for a Dream - "JUICE BY SARA. JUICE BY SARA. WOAH. SARA GOT JUICE."

Publicity Whores 5 favourite songs (sif! I need more than 5)
1. Tomorrow - silverchair
2. La La Land - Green Velvet
3. 6am - The Reason
4. Lets go to bed - The Cure
5. The Perfect Drug - NIN
6. Pennyroyal Tea - Nirvana
7. Welcome Home - Metallica
8. I just wanna have something to do - Ramones
9. We Belong - Pat Benetar
10. Fall Behind Me - The Donnas
11. We are gonna be friends - The White Stripes
12. Head over Feet - Alanis Morrisett
13. I Ran - Flock of Seagulls
14. Precious - Depeche Mode
15. Girl - Beck
16. Hilf Mir - Rammstein
17. mmmmm Skyscraper.. I love you - Underworld
18. Coma White - Marilyn Manson
19. Buffalo Solder - Bob Marley
20. Like A Prayer - Madonna
21. You've got to hide your love away - The Beatles
22. As Tears go by - The Rolling Stones
23. You Could Be Mine - Guns n Roses
24. Violet - Hole

Can someone print that up in NW or WHO or something now?
I would like a stalker and some muffins sent to my office.
Oh and a goodie bag with suck up gifts from designers.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I got the workin on tuesday blues....

De Ne Ne Ne
Got nothing to do
De Ne Ne Ne
Got to tie up my shoe
De Ne Ne Ne
I hate them laces
De Ne Ne Ne
I thought I was goin places.

Now I got the Tuesday, I need velcro on my shoes blues
Yeah I got to get some velcro on my shoes.
The only time I'm bending over.. is to get some hot ****up my *** blues.
I'm done with tying up laces.
I just want Velcro on my shoes.

Walter the Scabby Pigeon



Monday, August 07, 2006

The Stroggles support band...

I think this deserves a mention.. that The Stroggles support band - OVERPASS, who played at the Gaelic Theatre on Saturday, really need to do a make-over of the lead singer.

The lead singer thinks EVERYONE is trying to get into his pants.
I'm like: "Hey singer dude! remember me?" and he backs away like I'm about to thump him on the head, drag him under the stairs and shag him so hard that he is able to see through time.

Newsflash Lead Singer.. I don't fuck guys shorter than me.
And I also don't fuck guys who grow "puberty moustaches'.

You look like Zoidberg from Futurama.


Not Sexy.

Also maybe consider singing some songs that don't go for 15 minutes each with large vocal whining.

"AAiiiiiiiiooooooooooo heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaaa wwwwwwwaillllllllllllll"

Shut Up Zoidberg.

Restaurant Club IV - HOOTERS

I effing love Hooters.
Georgina and I have been super psyched all week about our Restaurant Club meeting at Hooters on Sunday.

So you can imagine the palpable excitement levels when we were finally in the car driving to said Hooters in its new digs at Parramatta.

Georgina even wore her Hooters top that I brought her from Hollywood.


Sufficed to say: We are huge Hooters fans.

Compliment of the Year goes to George, who upon sitting down at our booth was accosted by our waitress "Ashleigh" and asked if she wanted a job.

What about my hooters?? Sure they weren't on display, and I didn't have a Hooters top on, but trust me - they are pretty spectacular once you get them out in the open.

If you are a pretentious snob with no sense of humour - then Hooters is not for you.. If having a laugh and eating deep fried chicken is your thing then you should definitely go to Hooters.

The waitresses danced their choreographed routines to: YMCA, the soft-drinks are unlimited refills.


It's just so fucking good I can't begin to describe it.

To summarise: Hooters ROCKS! They need to open one up a little bit closer than westyland though...

The Stroggles

I saw The Stroggles play a live gig on Saturday night at the Gaelic Club.

They were fucking fantastic!

They did this great set, which was pretty much an elaborate "epic" called: CHECK

Check Check
Check 1, 2
2... 2.. Check Check

Then the bass drum would kick in.

DOOF... DOOF....... DOOF
Check Check

And the lead guitarist would play some high notes

PLINKA PLINKA PLINKA
Check 1, 2.. Check Check

And the Bass would come in.
DOOGA DOOGA DOOGA
Check.. Check

2.... 2... Check.

Best live set I have ever seen to be honest.

STROGGLES!!!!!! STROGGLES!!!!!! STROGGLES!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 04, 2006

The Black Dahlia

I am so effing excited about the film The Black Dahlia.

It's spooky to think that a girl who knew she was destined for fame, would be famous for having her body sawn in two, her face cut ear to ear, and dumped in a clearing with morning dew settling underneath her severed corpse.

There are some things I would like to be famous for.. and being a famous murder victim isn't one of them.

Although you would be forever remembered.

I am betting that people will show up at my funeral just to make sure I am dead.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Ode to Jamie Lee Curtis...

She's a rumoured hermaphradite.
She could be both if that's what you like.

She's a rumoured hermaphradite.
It doesn't matter if you turn off the light.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Shut the fuck up Katie..

Katie from Big Brother sounds like a whipper snipper

WHANNNNNNNNNG ANNNNNG ANNNG

Hope she got jizzed to the roof when she and Jamie finally "did it"



Die Bitch

Foot Cream does NOT go on The Vag

INT: CHEMIST : DAY

Rach: Where is your Canestan Cream?
Chem Lady: HEY!! Where's our Canestan Cream??
Rach: looks around with horror at all the shouting of 'Canestan Cream'

Chem Lady drags Rach over the to the Canestan Area
Chem Lady hands Rach a tube of Foot Cream

Rach: uhhh I dont have tinea
Chem Lady: What??
Rach: I dont need foot cream.....
Chem Lady: They're all the same
Rach: yes, but I dont want to be putting foot cream on my vagina.
Chem Lady: It's all the same stuff.
.....................................................................

WHATEVS!! Can you just give me the vag cream so I can pay and leave!!
GOD!!
I dont care if its all "fungus" to you - having a picture of a foot on the box doesn't instill me with confidence!
I don't have any toes down there! I dont have a chernobyl vagina!
Stupid Foot Cream! I dont think I can bring myself to use it..........

Custard

Custard is soooooooo under-rated.

If anyone was to do a campaign to spread the word about how rad custard is all they need say is: CUSTARD.... Better than Yogurt.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Shit Poem "Sometimes On Tuesdays"

Sometimes, it's weird when you eat take-away at someone elses house.
Whilst picking up money for drugs.

Sometimes, you think your poop smells better than your cats.
So you do a turd in the kitter litter to test the difference.

Hey Cat!
Stay the hell away from my tofu.
Stay the hell away from my brocolli too.
Nobody likes Brocolli.

Jizz


There is a new drink out at the moment called "MIXT".. they are marketting this as "Half Juice - Half Fizz" - in the ad, a pineapple falls down a cliff and sprays a guy in the face when he opens it.


Now if you think about this logically - half juice and half fizz - makes JIZZ.

Get a clue marketting morons.