Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Christmas Fury

It's not often that I will lie awake absolutely infuriated about Christmas. But this eve I did so. The saying goes "tis better to give than to recieve".. I don't think the person who said that gave a beautifully framed personalised drawing of your child (read: thoughtful and expensive) and in return recieved some Body Shop shit, that the mother gets for free at her job.

I'm not a materialistic slapper. I would rather get nothing than a bunch of crap that tomorrow we are seriously going to hock, and buy a hockeystick so we can smash all the crap that we can't hock...

I think the two 'Hip Hop Pets' that are suitable for a 5 year old, will smash nicely when they go sailing off Georgina's balcony. (Did mark and I each need one?? or were you just in a hurry as you were running thru K-Mart buying DVD players and iPods for people who matter (read: pregnant) and grabbed the first plastic piece of shit that caught your eyeline for us??)

The "Candy Grabbing Machine" that we received will hopefully smash really nice when we beat the shit out of it with our new hockey stick, OR we can throw it in front of a semi-trailer on Military Rd. WTF kind of present is that?? Do people think that Mark and I are really 8 years old? Do they not realise that we rent an apartment and pay bills, and have no fucking need for a Candy Grabbing Machine!!

We even went so far as to try and make a Christmas Miracle occur. Buy wishing really hard that the Fondue Set was actually a Ninetendo Wii... hopefully when we get up in the morning, a Wii has appeared in the box, rather than a Fondue set I will never use. I should really stop saying that I like things in polite conversation, because clearly I will pay the price 10 months later. Fuck Fondue.

Anything that we can't beat the shit out of with the Hockey Stick, or Smash by throwing it into traffic and off Balconys, we are taking to the beach to burn. This includes all the Kmart Pyjamas, the Book that sucks balls, and the Duty Free perfume that makes my eyes water.

Thanks for NOTHING people.

Next year you're all getting 'A Donation Has Been Made In Your Name' Cards. Please return the favor by ignoring us, and getting us nothing. There aren't enough landfills in the world for the crap that you buy us, and the environment hates you for it.


Steph said...

And THAT is why i heart you so!
I say re-gift that shit to the people who gave them to you.

redcap said...

Good idea, Steph. Make sure you keep a list of who gave you what piece of crap and then give it back to the same person next year. If they say anything, say, "But I figured YOU must have liked it..."

Adam said...

eBay freakin' everything.

If you hockey stick up your gift giverers then that saves the environment so much betterer.

Mars said...

a friend of mine recently got engaged and received three (THREE!) fondue sets.

what the fuck's the go with the fondue?!