Wednesday, November 29, 2006
I personally, don't really care. Work Shmirk. If the power is out that means I can stare out the window and drool.
But the fogies, can not just sit and let any wasted time go by. Who ya gonna call? They called The Premiers office.
What does the Premier care that a bunch of old fogies can't get their computer to turn on?? seriously, I think he has bigger problems.
Reorganising the Infrastructure of the Transit System.. Or helping some old people with their fuse box?
While they were on the phone I should have asked them to pass the phone to me so I could complain about the lack of good libraries in my suburb.
I miss rollerskating.
I miss the good ol days of having innocent fun.
When doing the limbo was considered 'risky'
There are no rollerskating rinks in Sydney anymore. Such a shame. I even have a pair of skates under my bed waiting in vain for the day when a rich entrepreneur opens one up again.
Why did they die off? Public Liability? How sad to think our children won't ever get to spend their school holidays in a rink.
Bring Back Skating! Bring Back Skating!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I effing hate tattoos. Especially on women, but I will extend that hatred to big fugly men tattoos should the occasion arise.
Are you in Metallica? If not, then I don't think that giant snake on your arm is really fitting, unless you are a snake-hander, in which case, do you really need to be reminded of snakes all the time?
How meaningful - A 'rose' or a 'dove'.. peace is still trendy right?
You know what looks hot? Tattoo's on old ladies. Especially arm tattoos, I like them when they go saggy and fade.
Immortalising my love of the mediocre in my flesh for eternity doesn't rate as something i'll ever do. Maybe i'm old fashioned in that sense.
I could get the atypical butterfly on my lower back? No, that seems to mainstream. Perhaps I'll just get TOIDI written on my forehead so I don't forget everytime I look in the mirror.
Monday, November 27, 2006
I do however 'round up' the total, and leave whatever change remains.
I don't live in America, so therefore why should I tip? It's not like workers in the Australian food industry are having to give hand-jobs behind dumpsters in their spare time to pay the bills. As a country, we pay our wait staff well. Not great. But they certainly aren't as fucked over, as they are in other countries.
I don't tip and I never will. Call me a Grinch, Cheapskate, Tightarse, whatever. I just don't tip.
Leaving tips will not make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
Forcing other people to tip will not endear you to their friendship.
You do a job you get paid. Noone comes into my office tipping me because I remembered to answer the phone.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
Sometimes I must come across as the most retarded person anyone has even met, before I get a chance to do any on-line news checking. When September 11 happened, I strolled into work and everyone was crowded around the TV, all sombre and panic stricken.. I literally said "Why are we watching Die Hard??"
I didnt have a clue. When people told me that some terrorists were flying planes into buildings I said "ha ha, very funny.. who wants a Milo??"
I'm just not a morning person. I can't handle any outside interference into my brain receptacle until I can process what is happening, which isn't till about 11am.
So here's hoping that any major newsflashes happen during the hours in which I pay attention to the world around me (11am - 5pm - Weekdays).
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Technically they don't have any competition, unlike various other spreads, like Peanut Butter (which is even horning in on Nutella's turf I have noticed). And the product is so ingrained in Australian culture, we all have a jar in the cupboard at.all.times.
I still remember the song:
We're happy little Vegemites, as bright as bright can be.
We all enjoy our Vegemite for breakfast, lunch, and tea.
Our parents say we're growing stronger every single week.
Because we love our Vegemite, we all adore our Vegemite.
It puts the rose in every cheek.
It's quite an achivement that a spread that most un-Australians find utterly disgusting, and considered banning from coming into their country, doesn't fill the waste on television with its banal advertising. Unlike Coke or McDonalds who have a new ad out every week.
Go Vegemite! Note to the un-Australians, the key to using Vegemite is "subtlety".
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
The water restriction police... are going to get you.
The water restriction police.... you'll have to bathe in the sea,
The water restriction police..... you'll have to drink your own pee.
The water restriction police... you can't even water your plants,
The water restriction police... you can't wash your pants.
The water restriction police ... are here to ruin your day,
The water restriction police ... are here to stay.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
I can't describe the feelings of joy of when I look inside my takeaway bag and see an extra bag of money bags or spring rolls. It's like Christmas!! 3 Times Thai could bring about World Peace. I am the zen centre of the universe after eating there.
This makes me Angry: Wanky Prices at Deli's.. I understand that Deli's think that they have their own rules of business that instill in them the power to charge whatever they like, and that fee can change daily. Today I was at a Deli in Wank-Bay and saw this sign "Prices Depend on Customers Attitude"
So if I blow you with a smile on my face does that mean I get my quiche for free ??
Monday, November 20, 2006
Enemies of Note: Sleep City (St Leonards) fuckwits. Most girls I went to High-School with. Any Previous Employers. Whoever stole my iPod. People who insist on giving me guilt-trips about not having any babies. Vodafone.
Now I have a new one.... Exciting!!!
The Jack of Crap - I was driving behind this tradesman's ute, when I noticed that his dog was chained up on top of a box, and sliding all over the place, and had the driver taken a corner too quickly, that dog would have been roadkill.
Any type of poor animal treatment offends me greatly, even if this guy was a seasoned pro at driving around with his dog in the back, it still seems unsafe to me (this is sydney, with traffic and fuckwits, not a farm in magical happy land).
Being a tradey, he had his phone number on the back of his ute, so I took it down and sent him a text saying that he's a dickhead for driving around like that, and also made some emasculating comments for good measure.
I don't go out of my way to make friends, but I do go out of my way to make enemies.
And today he called me (apparently barring Caller ID doesn't work) and left a message "you're a fuckwit"
If you're going to ring me up to hurl abuse at least think of something Original. I've been called a fuckwit by the Pro's.
Friday, November 17, 2006
She approached me on the stairs last night and introduced herself, shook my hand, and invited me over for drinks! I don't know what was scarier.. feeling like an actual grown-up, or having a stranger be nice to me.
I have always wanted friendly neighbours, someone to borrow things off, someone to look after the cat, someone to keep an eye on things should I be away for a small period of time.
And in my deepest desires, someone to come over and partake in watching crap TV (Big Brother/Aus Idol Finales) and share cooking tips and bitch about the husbands. I was definitely born with a domesticity gene in overdrive.
I should let her know what she's getting into.
Unit 2 - Freak Central. I am not kidding. This is where the crazy guy lives who goes out into the street at 3am and starts arguments with trees, bins, shoes, anything that can't argue back.. "Get off My shoes! Tiger Tiger! Wrong Answer" Mental. AND his flatmate is this old geriatric psychopath who stalks around the building in a nightgown and lipstick looking through peoples mail.
Unit 4 - Home to 'Ruth the Grouch'. Also is a clear case of RSPCA animal abuse with her cat sitting outside in the cold all the time. Heartless Bitch.
Unit 6 - He's cool. He let us use his phone when we got locked out. Now we even wave to each other in Woolworths or other local neighbourhood sightings. I don't know his name though.. He is just known as 'Unit Six'
Unit 8 - Quite possibly dead and rotting in his apartment, he has a pile of mail outside his door that people bring upstairs when his mailbox is full. Until I can smell death in the halls, I'm not calling the cops.
Unit 9 - Random Neighbours who get the guitar out and have frequent parties. I am never invited. Therefore, they suck.
Unit 10 - That's Me. I rock.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
It is un-necessary and annoying to sing all your lines. Seriously, time would go much quicker if you just said "we need to get these bags on the ship", as opposed to "bags we must get, on the ship, on the ship, to sail away on a dream and shinnnnnnning staaaaaaaaaaaaaaar"
When everyone dies in the second act, maybe you should do less singing and jiving, and tone it down. In 'Fiddler on the Roof', in the second act, everyone gets shipped to the East and dies in the Concentration Camps of WWII. In 'Titanic' they all drown, and it just seems inappropriate to be singing: "we're all gonna die! we're all gonna die! yippedee doo we're all gonna die"
Aimlessly Walking Around the Stage. I can handle one dance routine where you all walk around in circles, but not twice, and definitely not thrice.
I do like Musicals though, I like how every little thing warrants a song.
"My iPod was stolen"
"Your iPod was stolen......................"
CUE: Lights and Dancing Girls with Nipple Tassles
The iPod was stolen, right in front of your face, nobody saw it, what a disgrace.
It's time to move on, and get something brand new. Here is what I think you should doooooo
Get over it. Yeah!
Get over it. Yeah Yeah!!
Get over it. Yeah!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Bad things I have done.
- Refer to my sponsorchild as a 'pitynigger'
- I had an actress ring up yesterday in tears, and I couldnt do anything to help her predicament
- cramming two lettuces into one bag at woolworths and only paying for one
- thought bad thoughts about my neighbours (ie - blowing up their apartment, or shooting them in the head for being loud at 6am on weekends)
- locking my cat in the 'naughty room' when he does my head in
- palm off charity beggers in the street
- swear like a sailor
- dress like a whore
- merely 'pausing' at Stop signs
- think really bad thoughts about Dean Geyer - like what it would be like to rape a man, trapping him with a bible and storing him in a sexual chamber for my pleasure.
Sometimes the world does crazy things - like the time a bag of cocaine disappeared in Quentins undies. Strange.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Nice one assholes.
I really hope Karma comes back and bites you in the arse, you theiving whoremongering, pus-eating, scab-munching, pussyfart, motherfucker.
I was on the stepper, got off, went to the bike, and in the space of less than 10 mins.. Gone. STOLEN.
It was my bad for being distracted by the Simpsons, and I left it behind on the stepper, but come on people! Are you really that scumsucking that you couldn't hand it into reception!! When I think of all the good deeds I have done in my life, like return wallets, phones, cameras. you would think the universe would give me a little credit and give what was mine back to me.
It also just goes to show that the staff at Fitness First Mosman couldnt give a flying fuck about looking after their members.
"I just lost my iPod, has anyone handed it in?"
"yeah.... dunno.. maybe the other receptionist put it somewhere - can you call back tomorrow"
Thanks a lot that's really helpful!
I hope whoever stole it really enjoys it. Nothing says good times, like reading thru my stolen manuscripts, perving at my topless holiday photo's, and listening to my crappy music.
I hope you like Rammstein asshole. I really do.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
My Colonic was performed my new best-friend, Angela. I say she is my best-friend because anyone who has seen you (ALL) of you, really deserves to be at the top of my Christmas Card list.
First of all I had to fill out a form about why I was taking a Colonic.. "Curiosity".. Why Lie?? I dont have anything wrong with me, I just want to see what all the fuss it about.
Then you de-robe and lay down and the pipe goes in, that will flush water in and flush waste out. Ange told me that many people feel that having a colonic is a very spiritual experience, as the intestines are right where your solar plexus is - (if you have seen Donnie Darko - you would relate this area to where the worms come out of your gut and guide you on your pre-dertmined path in life) Any bad feelings and emotional pain is stored in your solar plexus, and if you are a Cancerian (like me!) then you find yourself dwelling on the past, and the injustices you have suffered throughout your life.. I was looking forward to finally being free of that baggage.
Pipe goes in, Water goes in.. it's not as pleasant as they make it out to be - it actually kind of hurts when the water goes in, then when you feel like you are about to explode, she turns the water off and the waste starts coming out.. Ange massaged me on my stomach to aid in the removal of any toxins from the intestinal lining - which was very calming.
She does this about 7 times, and when you remove a blockage it really is quite a nice feeling. The whole process takes about 45 mins, then you get off the table and make with the friendly chit chat, like she didnt just see you do about 15 poo's or see your bumhole up close.
Turns out Princess Diana was a big supporter of Colonics, and afterwards, I cant say I felt a great spiritual ephiphany, but I did feel emotionally closer to Princess Diana than usual.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Since I live in Sydney which boasts the "best fireworks display in the world" I feel its my duty as a Sydneysider and a Taxpayer, to make the most of it.
The New Years Fireworks is always brought to a crux with the big explosion of the Bridge, and the anticipation of what they will put on the Bridge - which is somehow meant to define how we feel as a nation and what the New Year should sybolise for us.
1998/1999 - Year of the Lame Smile
Year of the Smiley Face.. In a word: uninspired. I think might have been one of the first times they dared to put something on the Bridge. It's like someone first encounted Smileys on MSN. Nice touch with the fringe, but overall, not the greatest Bridge Display. Baby Steps, Its like Basquiats first Fingerpainting.
1999/2000 - Year of Graffiti
This isn't Eternity the Perfume - no no. that would be too classy. This is Eternity the scribble that was placed all around Sydney by a preacher guy called Arthur Stace. I guess it was year of the "turn a blind eye to graffiti".. (I bet none of the kids caught tagging up stuff got off) Poignant, but don't ram your Christianity down my throat.. no doubt The Jews were offended.
2000/2001 - Year of Snakes n Stars
We couldnt tell the stolen generations of Aboriginals that we are SORRY, so instead we put a lizard on the Bridge. yeah.... I really don't think that makes up for anything. 'The Rainbow Serpent' is a good book for primary schoolers, but I dont think the rest of the world understood where we were coming from.
2001/2002 - Year of Poo
This is what we have to represent to the world? and the many international visitors that grace our shores every summer?? a large poo? I really dont want foreiners thinking "wow those aussies really love their rocks".. we don't all love rocks! Clearly some Geologist got hold of the fireworks display that year. Don't let him near it again.
2002/2003 - Year of Peace
One of the better ones. What with the world being fraught with fear over the War in Iraq, and the aftermath of September 11. But what is with the Pirate Ships? will we ever be able to break free of our sordid history of a nation of convicts?? clearly not.
2003/2004 - Year of just blow it the Fuck Up
I guess we ran out of themes that year.. and just decided to load the bridge up with as many fireworks as possible and blew the shit out of it. Good Taxpayer Money there! Who needs Roads and Libraries! More Fireworks!!!!!!
2004/2005 - Year of the Stupid Ball that does nothing
What a letdown... All over Kirribilli you could hear people "is that it?" "what does it do?" "is it supposed to do something?" In a word. No. It did nothing. Cept look really crap. Worst Bridge Ever. Fact. Are we at a rave in 1991? I dont think so.
2005/2006 - Year of spreading the Love
Meh. I was so pinging off my head thought it was pretty great. But overall. Too commercial, too mainstream... too meaningless. Everyone living in sydney knows that we all hate each other and rudeness is a part of daily life. I thought the heart was forced and fake (but i was loving it for a few hours there)
So what is there for the 2006/2007 New Year Bridge Explosion?? Rumours are that it will be: 'A Diamond Night in Emerald City' - what the fuck does that mean? that doesn't signify anything that our city has been through recently.
I think it should be a Big Glittery Banana. Everyone would know what that means. It would signify the loss due to Cylone Larry (not just our nana's, but many peoples homes) it would show that we haven't forgotten about our fellow countrymen.
It would be cry out that we know that inflation is a bitch. That we are dealing with it. And what a sad state we live in when even the upper-middle-class can't afford a freakin banana for their kid's lunch boxes (let alone my own).
A Banana or a Petrol Pump. Those are my suggestions. (Plus it would make the people living in Coffs Harbour feel special)
Someone stole our bin at work last week, so I have been sitting with a pile of festering garbage next to me all week. This can't be healthy.
It's getting bigger.. I literally have no more room for garbage.. where should I start putting it?? should I start building a fort around my desk?
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Its a 'brunch' so I guess that means you don't have to wear sticky name tags or find a really expensive dress to impress people with.
To be honest I don't know why I am going. Anyone that I wanted to be friends with since high-school, I still am friends with. And those people I can count on one hand. Because girls are bitches.
The high-school reunion is for the school I went to from year 7 - 10, an All-Girls Catholic school at that. I have two friends from my days there, and given the chance, wouldn't hesitate to push anyone else from that time in my life into an open quarry.
I guess I am only going so I can see who is fat with kids, who has a monobrow, who wears high-waisted jeans, who works packing shelves at woolworths, who got anally raped on their wedding night and who is worth my two seconds of time talking to them. (Bitches)
You'd think after 10 years my rage might have abated, but thing about me is that I will carry a grudge to the grave, or carry a fork to your eye.
I might get a shirt made that says: If you can read this, that means you passed english and you're probably still a stupid bitch.
Monday, November 06, 2006
I never get told I am good at anything, I get told to 'pull my finger out', 'stop dicking around', 'grow up', and 'that sort of behaviour will not be tolerated here young lady'
I was so happy. If only he gave me a gold star, that would have made my millenium.
In more disturbing news - I discovered that I calm myself by singing "Girls on the Avenue" by Richard Clapton.. I didnt even know I knew this song? Subconscious's are freaky.
Wow. I'm a 'good' driver, (he is probably comparing me to the twits who can only turn left and drive around the block for their first driving lessons) but nonetheless, it felt satisfying.
Too bad nothing sank in about reverse parking "blah blah left, blah hard right, blah blah mirrors"
whatever. I'm "good" i'm sure i'll figure it out.
In the order that I loved them:
Simon Le Bon
I loved Duran Duran back in the day. Lucky for me, I was too naive to understand the sexual overtones of their music. But for awhile there "Wild Boys" was my favourite song of all time.
Home Alone came out when I was in year 6. I honestly don't know what I ever saw in him. He is such a dweeb, and grew up to be an even bigger dweeb. I think I was following the crowd, who would seriously like a guy like this?
Other random crushes during this period were; New Kids on the Block - Especially Jordan Knight. He was the hottest. Johnny Depp Cry-Baby was the ultimate for Johnny perviness. He was even hot in Edward Scissorhands, and if I can crush on a guy with scissors for hands, that shows commitment.
My Biggest Crush evah!! I had about 30 posters on my wall and I watched 'Terminator 2' every afternoon when I got home from school. Bop & Bopper magazine must have made a fortune off me. I would buy any magazine that had the tiniest picture of him in it. Then I read that he was a Leo and I'm a Cancerian, and we aren't a good match.. then I kinda soured on him. (And he stunk it up in Pet Semetary 2)
I probably had an even bigger crush on Daniel Johns than I did Edward Furlong. My friends and I even caught a train to newcastle to stalk him. We stalked him at his house. Years later when it came out that he went insane and got an eating disorder from all the fame, I wondered if our stalking him might have pushed him over the edge. Oops.
In the wilderness years in between 1995 - 2006 there wasn't a lot to choose from, also I had a 'real' boyfriend, so the need to obsess over a stranger seemed like less of a priority.
Hubba Hubba. Whether he's standing on a beach holding a fishing pole, sitting in a chair, or just relaxing against a rock, Dean is effing Hot. I hope he wins Idol just so there are lots of TV Hits posters of him floating around for another year. Drooooooooool. I don't care if he's South African and racist. It's not like I would be talking to him.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
First banana since that fucking cyclone.
But wait for it..
For ONE banana.
I had to whore myself out on the street for this shit.
Cheapest Handjobs this side of the bridge.
But it was so worth it.
Nothing like a nice firm banana sliding in-between your teeth.
Friday, November 03, 2006
He posesses more self loathing than I do!
Ice was saying how fame completely fucked up his life, and has spent years in therapy getting over his icey image. He HATES old pics of himself, and I can see why:
Nice Metallic America Suit. How did he get his hair so flat?? It's pretty impressive either way. Looking back, I can see how this would be embarrasing for a man. Almost as embarrasing as the orange jumpsuit I insisted on wearing everywhere when I was nine because I thought hari-krishna's were cool.
It saddens me to see a grown man so full of anger and hate at his previous rapper image. I think Vanilla Ice is cool. And if I could meet him, I would tell him that back in year 6, I thought he was The Shiz.
Considering he wrote "ice ice baby" when he was 16, I have to give him snaps for his waxing lyrical prowess:
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.
Hella! I so know what he's talking about.
This is Ice as he looks today.
Only don't call him Ice. His name is Rob Van Winkle.
And don't forget he's: killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom Deadly when I play a dope melody Anything less than the best is a felony.
Word Up Rob. I luvs ya.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I yearn for all the fun I could be having if today was Friday.
Friday is Overrated.
You still have to work and yet it’s considered the weekend.
Saturday is for Extreme Sleeping
Wake up at noon. Have a nap at 3. Go to bed at 10
Sunday is Guilt-Ridden.
I didn’t spend my weekend doing anything funtastic, instead I watched E! Channels 101 even bigger celebrity Oops. (surely this knowledge will come in handy one day)
Monday is for Vagueness
What happened? Who called? I’ll deal with all that shit on Tuesday
Tuesday is Suicide Tuesday
Kill Me Now. Tuesday is the worst
Wednesday is a Tease.
Its halfway through the week. Should I be happy? Or depressed that I am still only halfway through the week?
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
It just goes to show that complaining works.
Now we know that sending copious amounts of faxes and emails to companies works - I want the following brought back ASAP.
Invisible Cola. "Bart Simpson Cola" to be exact. Loved It! Came out around early 1990, and tasted weird. But it was "invisible cola" so it could be forgiven. I want them to bring this back. How good would it be to order a "Rum and Invisible Cola please".
Chocolate Ciggies. I loved being a gangsta at school with my chocolate ciggies. I think they were even called 'Fags'. How great is that! Bring these back too. I don't smoke, But I would like to partake in the working world's 'ciggie break' and stand outside and waste time. Cept I dont want lung-cancer. Bring Back Fags! Bring Back Fags!
Carob Coated Sunflower Seeds. Noone will agree with me. Carob sucks mostly. Except when it's combined with Sunflower Seeds. It must be the inner-hippy in me.
That's all for now.
Dear So & So,
Whinge Whinge Whine Whinge.
Bring back: invisible cola, fags and carob coated sunflower seeds.