Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Kindness of Strangers

As you may well know, I have been stealing my neighbours mail. Lately I have been inundated with cards for the birth of my new baby. (and when I say stealing, I don't mean "stealing" stealing, they lived in my apartment over two years ago, and the fucksticks still haven't told anyone they no longer live there)

These are the latest cards to arrive:


Dear Phil and Michaela, Many congratulations on the birth of Claudia, what wonderful news. We are delighted for you. I hope mum and baby are doing well - both look georgous in the photos, and Michaela, I was very impressed at how calm you were looking, at birth plus one minute.

Well the only reason I can imagine the happy mother looking so calm is because she and "Phil" have become illegal refugee's and havent told anyone they have fled the country. Although it does seem strange for a couple who dont have the brains to tell their friends that they have moved, yet they still send out photos of mum covered in placenta and sweat with an alien hanging out of her. FREAKS.


To you both, Many congratulations on the arrival of Claudia Grace, Great Name, hope it all went well.

No offence Phil and Michaela, but if the way you raise your baby is anything like the way you update your friends on your new address, then that kid is going to be taken away by social services.

Also Claudia Grace is a kinda snooty name if you ask me, she seems like the kind of girl who would go to school with a note from her parents saying that unless she is allowed to have a bottle of Evian water on her desk at all times she will dehydrate you'll sue the school for negligence.

7 comments:

surfercam said...

It's a shame that people don't give cash as a present when babies are born.
Maybe in a few years, you'll open some of Claudia's birthday cards and there'll be cash in there...

Rach said...

fingers crossed for the upcoming christmas season.

Surely grandma could afford to put some wads of cash in there for her granddaughter ??

Cazzie!!! said...

That is rooted that they don't go putting their new address on their sent mail to their friends! I have been getting mail, not birth cards though, for people who lived here 10yrs ago. I ended up calling the eye clinic that keeps sending shit here and saying the people are dead! The mail stopped...

Scorpy said...

I hate the name Claudia!! almost as much as I hate previous tennants not forwarding their mail :)

Jobe said...

Card 1: Why are those butterflies holding open a baby girls legs ready to be fucked?

Card 2: A baby alone and unattended in the bath? That is really not fucking safe.

I AM REALLY WORKED UP NOW

surfercam said...

I think you should reply to the people who sent you the cards, pretending to be Phil or Michaela, and say something like "Thanks for the card, but we actually had a boy, and his name is Wayne, not Claudia".
Just something to fuck with their heads.

Darryn said...

Wow, that's so illegal.