Friday, July 28, 2006

"The Steph Show"

Channel 10 are airing a program that grates on me like cheese on tacos.

They are promoting Stephanie McIntosh from 'Neighbours' - whose character is woefully called Skye Mangel (yeah Mangel as in - " I went to the zoo and tried to pet a tiger but got mauled, hence why my face is mangled this morning" )

She has a single coming out and a reallly shithouse filmclip to go along with it - The show is about her fledgling music career and the filming of said - shithouse filmclip.

See for yourself how shit it is Stephs Shit Clip.

What is most irksome, is that they are replacing the SIMPSONS with this drivel.. granted I am still making my way home at 6'pm weeknights, and won't even get to see any of this show, but you can't replace the SIMPSONS with anything.

Someone should do a seminar when actresses land roles on Neighbours - that under no circumstances are they to EVER pick up a microphone and sing.

The ONLY "Stephs Show" I want to be watching is Steph from Much Ado about Sumthin'.

It would be a lot funnier than Skye Mangel showing us her lack of talent, at least Much Ado about Sumthin' Steph has real talent, ie: writing talent, hotness talent, slipping over talent, dogshit on shoes talent, splinter in vagina talent, dancing her ass clean off talent.

You are NOT The Talking Heads

My building is a NUTHOUSE.

It happens to be called "Beresford House" - which at first I thought was quaint, as it reminded me of Berenstain Bears.

Now I know that "Beresford House" translated means - LOONEY BIN

My next door neighbour was doing his own rendition of 'Psycho Killer' by the Talking Heads, now I love this song - as I used to sing it as a child - cept the words were:

"Pyscho Chicken.. Kiss Kiss Say.. Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok"

What my neighbour doesn't realise is that no-one except the Talking Heads are fit to sing that crazy song at any time.

"Gonna.. Run Run Run Run, Run Run Run Awayyyyyyyyyyyy
Ohhh Ohhh Ohhhh Ohhhhhh

To Summarise: Shut the fuck up Unit 9... Your guitar playing is subpar and you sound like a walrus throwing up.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Door to Door Rapist

Last night at about 8.30 I had a door salesman come and try to sell me electricity.

Nice One Fuckface - do I look like i'm sitting around in the dark killing chickens and sacrificing virgins??

Pffft "Electricty"... may as well strapped a sign on himself that says RAPIST.. or JEWEL THIEF.. I've seen 'Home Alone'.. I know how these things work.

My plan to get rid of the robber scoping out my place is act like a smack-addict when he answers the door.

"yeah hi - are you needing electricty today?"
"not so much, you wouldnt happen to have any money would you, i'm all out of drugs and I really need to buy some"

Now by doing this - he will think that he's better off robbing my neighbours because i a) have no money .. and b) have no drugs.

Scrote - by Chanel

I like testicle skin..its so soft and versatile... I think it would make a nice purse, or if you had about 1000 of them, a pair of pants.

If I was to do my own version of Buffalo Bill - i'd capture men, keep em in my dungeon, then cut their balls off, and sew fashionable purses together and sell them at Paddington Markets.

Obviously I wouldnt be able to tell people where the 'mysterious skin' came from - so I will tell them that it comes from a very dangerous lizard from Africa - called the Scrotus Manus Bagus... so dangerous that just talking about it could get you killed.

I reckon they would be a hit, and I could sell my scrotey designs to Chanel.

Imagine that campaign - with Nicole Kidman with a testicle sack on her face.

"Scrote..................... by Chanel"

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Desk Art # 2

This is a culmination of the afternoon munchies, my own procrastination, and a bag of M&M's

I call it: Mediocre Chocolate Effigy

Desk Art

I call this: Insider Environment Nature Almagmation Art

Combining the Elements of Catfood and Roses.

Pizza X 10 - Will we ever Eat again?

Your arrival was a suprise, Your signs burnt my eyes...
Our favourite was Chicken Delight
Of which we indulged on Big Brother night
With your Neon sign off, No Pizzas for our Occasions.
We sincerely hope that you’re closed for Renovations.

Tears of Rain, run down my Window Pane

You don't need to live in the innercity to be annoyed by junky-scum.
I have my own junky-scum who lives in my building.

Colloquially referred to as "psycho"

He has been standing outside in the rain these past two nights going;
"Salmon for Sale"

??? what ??? Is he a freakin De Costi Seafood?
Is there a Doyle's operating out front my building and I just didn't know about it.

I hate psycho - he infiltrates my subconscious.
I was dreaming the other night and in it I was only able to say "Tiger" - because Psycho was downstairs ranting about Tigers.

Why can't he rant about "Matthew McCaugnahey getting naked, smoking dope and playing bongos"... that would be a great dream.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Only Five Months till Christmas

I hate when people come up and say;
"there's only five months till christmas"


There's only 7 days till next tuesday.
There's only a year till my birthday.
There's only 2 years till I get married.
There's only 8 years till I have a baby.

There's only 5 months till christmas... wow! you can count!
I hope you don't spend all your time adding up how much time there is till christmas..."5 months, 5 and half months, 4 months, 4 months and one day"

hey think fast!!! there's only 5 seconds before my hand smacks you in the face.

Counting is for Losers.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Accidental Death

I always expect that today will be my last - and that I might die in a freak accident and that'll be the end of me.

The following are things I stress about on a daily basis
  • Getting Kidnapped on the way to ferry and stored in a sexual chamber for months before being shot in the head.
  • Ferry capsizing and drowning
  • Falling off the plank getting off the ferry and getting sucked into the engine
  • Getting whacked with a stick walking home up the dark alley and having my body thrown into the bushes
  • Falling off the crazy-walker at the gym and cracking my head open
  • Slipping over in the shower and crashing through the glass door
  • Choking on a hairball - seen as how my cat sleeps on my head

It's hard being me

Miss Universe = Crap

Anyone could be Miss Universe - you just need perky boobs, a tan and long legs.

What bothers me is their "Miss Universe Crusade" - stop world hunger, cure aids.... yeah if a team of scientists couldn't do that I highly doubt your C cups have a chance..

If I was Miss Universe I would be a little more realistic.
  • make the 'El Maco' part of the regular menu at Maccas
  • cure the divide between the city and make the bridgetoll 50c
  • protest that Pizza x 10 is closing on Military Road
  • make union reforms so that a working week is Mon - Thurs 10am - 4pm
  • change our sporting colours from Green and Gold to Pink and Black
  • make public transport luxurious

now all I need to do is work on my tan.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Hello! Christmas!!

Went NUTZO this weekend shopping.
Seems the Consumerism Gods were at play.

Finally found a shitty black jacket.

As well as:

Red Converse
"Gym" Pants
"Leisure" Pants
Sports Bra
Gym Sweat-Towel
Peter Alexander Robe
L'Occitane soaps n hand creme
Kermit the Frog Green Porno Jumpsuit
Broken Halterneck
Hot Yellow Top
Brokeback Mountain DVD
Labyrinth DVD

I now officially have everything i'll ever need.

Specially now I have a Kermit the Frog Green Porno Jumpsuit.. I don't know how I survived without it before.....

Just watched Brokeback Mountain again - damn sad gay movie.
"Jack.. I swear"............ CRY-A-THON

Friday, July 21, 2006

Mudwrestling Rules!!!

If I was in a porno wrestling match, I would definitely choose Mudwrestling over Jellywresting.

Looks Hot.
Good for Exfoliating.

Dirt in Vagina (can always hose off afterwards)

I mean what are the perks of Jellywresting - sticky and wet afterwards? and you can't even eat the jelly! Believe me i've tried ....tastes like crunchy plastic.

Unspoken Facism

There is a huge divide in Sydney - caused by the Harbour Bridge.

I work in the East and live in the North, so I am affronted with it daily.

Noone is willing to step out of their comfort zone, the city is "scary" to some, the north shore is "boring" to others.

A guide to the divide:

North Shore Sluts
Never venture over the bridge, prefer to stay in their local burb and get raped by the spoilt assholes who live at home with their parents in mansions.
Dickhead Rating - 8/10

Westy Bogans
Are completely enthralled by their own existence, and think the world revolves around their street.
Never venture into the city because "well why would we when there's a chinese restaurant in the woolies carpark??"
Never travel overseas, Only shop at Discount Outlets, Move out of home when they are 35 and buy a house in the same suburb they have lived in their whole life.
Living in a Bubble rating 10/10

Inner City Snobs
Trendy Trendy Trendy.
Have travelled the world and will pay $200 for a haircut.
Want to emulate what its like 'living in New York', pay out the ass for their lifestyle and are generally very social...
Won't drive over the Bridge for any reason.... Ever.
Wannabe Trend Rating 9/10

(Sub-Category) Northern Beaches
Basically westy boganville but near a beach.
They won't even venture over the Spit Bridge.

I have lived everywhere; Perth, Newcastle, Byron Bay, Coolangatta, Elizabeth Bay, Potts Point, Kings Cross, Petersham, Stanmore, Lilyfield, Harbord, Manly, Cremorne, Crows Nest and Neutral Bay.

But the ONE place i will never go is Westy Boganville.
I dont want 10 kids before i'm 30, and living in a housing estate with my mother-in-law 10 mins away doing tupperware parties and getting shitfaced at bbq's every weekend.

I like living where there are Trees! and Owls! I bet you don't see Owls in Darlinghurst! I like being able to walk home in the dark and not get accosted by a drunken aboriginie who wants a cassette tape for his walkman.

I like the city, I like swimming at Neilson Park and lying on the grass so I don't get copius amounts of sand in my vag, I like the grit of the innercity, there is vomit on your front step, but who cares??
Redfern is cool.

I am an Innercity-North-Shore-Snob-Ho... and Proud.
(with just a little bit of country in me, i like peeing in bushes.. so help me)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

mmmmmmmmmm Lunch

Lunch "Al Desko"....
Looks like Alien Poo.

Clueless Tourists

Tourists are both misinformed and optimistic.

As I have said before, I always get accosted on the street for directions, the time, timetables, recommendations, fashion advice ???? I have no idea why, maybe I seem very approachable and knowledgable??

Today was no exception - and I was approached by some Austrian tourists who wanted to "walk" from Double Bay to Paddington.

???? Yeah right Buddy.

Do you have a spare couple of hours??

After I pointed and basically said "you're pretty screwed - you cant walk there from here unless I draw you a map" they then asked for recommendations on a Sushi Restaurant.

"to be honest - Double Bay is kind of shit - i don't know why a tourist would come here - you are roughly 25 years too late, its passed its heyday for sure, but i think there is a crap sushi place down that alley"

??????? Good Luck to em.

Man in the Hat - Moves to New Digs

Coronary in a Bowl

Restaurant Club 'The Reckoning' was in full flux last night - at CJ's French Fondue.

Meet the Fondue Beanie:

"Je Sui Desolee - La Fromage e Du Fatty a La Hips un Stomacho"

Step One.
NEVER eat off the hot prong - that is a definite Fondon't.

Step Two.
Never say "Carbs" in a Fondue Restaurant - we realise that we just ate about 10,000 calories - we don't need to talk about it.

Step Three.
There can never be enough Marshmallows in a chocolate Fondue.

Fondue is quite a sexual meal, all that dripping cheese and chocolate
"who touched my stick ?"
"where's my meat"
"mmmmmmmmm sooooooo goood!!!!!"
"I think i'll take my pants off - this is too much"
"who dropped this??"

If you are ever in the mindset for a hot cheese injection to the heart - I recommend it highly.

CJ's French Fondue - 99 Military Road - Neutral Bay.

What's the GO????

I miss my old blog.......

So many memories..............

But it remains as an archive of my past writing which can always be revisited.

I just hate that now I dont have that history in my archive.. I'm no newbie.

I feel a song coming on:

"Lying in my bed, I hear the cat do a shit and think of you.
Caught up in circles - confusion is nothing new.

Flashbacks, Good Posts, almost left behind.
A blog full of memories........ Time After Time"

RIP - What's the GO.
You've been a dear friend and i'm sorry to let you go, but that's life honey.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

First and Foremost

This is my NEW blog.

Even though my old blog rocked.
Friendster is a shithouse host.

So fuck Friendster.

Fuck it in the Ear